Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

Harrison Ford, You Ignorant Slut!

I like Harrison Ford. He might not be the best actor on the planet but when you’ve been Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan and Rick Deckard, all in one lifetime, do you really need to play Hamlet? I don’t think so! The problem is, lately, Harrison Ford has been missing a few rungs on the credibility ladder and he’s about to pull a Peter Pan and freefall into jackass territory.

I was willing to forgive Ford one last hurrah in Indiana Jones VS The Crystal Aliens — or whatever. Okay, the movie was bad — all the way from Shia LaBeouf to flying CGI monkeys . There were too many gophers, not enough plot, character or development and, no, you can’t escape nuclear annihilation by hiding in your refrigerator. But, it was still Indiana Jones, with, I might add, Cate Blanchett as the villain, and OMG that’s Marion Ravenwood! So, I ate my popcorn and shut my mouth.

Fast forward to George Lucas selling out Star Wars (where have we heard that before?) and the new owner, Disney, cashing in on the biggest cash cow since the mouse himself with yet another Star Wars movie. Big problem!

The original Star Wars was released nearly forty years ago — it’s twice as old as half the people on earth — and, ladies and gentlemen, so are the cast and crew. Yet word around the campfire is Han Solo and company are coming out of the Seniors’ Facility on Naboo to help propel a new generation of Star Warriors into battle. Has Disney gone nuts? These people were grandparents a generation ago. Luke and Leia are using The Force for regularity, and Chewbacca has a walker, if he can move at all. But let’s take a reality check. Last year, Harrison Ford (aka Han) stumbled over a movie set and broke his leg and just recently he crashed his plane into a golf course in Santa Monica. Are we expected to believe this guy can still pilot the Millennium Falcon? At my house, we don’t even let Grampy play with the remote control. Still, I’m an optimist, so, despite the problems, I’m taking a wait and see attitude.

Now here’s where the bike helmet hits the highway. They’re making a sequel to Blade Runner. Blade Runner? Just a damn minute! Ridley Scott, if you want to poop on the legacy of an entire generation, go someplace else and do it. You’re getting as bad as George Lucas, for God’s sake. But that isn’t the worst of it. They’re resurrecting Harrison Ford to play Rick Deckard and Ford has agreed to do it. In the 21st century, integrity isn’t even a word anymore.

I’m done. Ford, look at yourself. Aren’t you the least bit embarrassed by what you’re becoming? What next? American Graffiti: The Retirement Years

Stupid Stuff

One of the reasons our society is so relentlessly “slouching towards Bethlehem” is that we are surrounded by stupid stuff. I’m not talking about Slinky stupid or Jason (Justin?) Bieber useless; I’m talking about real WTF stuff that makes you shake your head like a paint mixer. Here are just a few examples:

1 – Camping
We have had ten millennia of invention, innovation and engineering whose sole purpose was (and still is) to put a wall between us and Mother Nature, who has a nasty tendency to beat up her children with rain, wind, heat, snow, tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes etc. etc. etc. So, why is camping considered fun-time recreation? The truth is: camping is just a very, very expensive way to pretend you’re homeless.

2 – Crotchless Panties
These are neither fish nor fowl. They’re not underwear — obviously — and lingerie is supposed to entice, nor reveal. So, what have you actually got? Funny looking! I don’t know anybody (male or female) who feels remotely sexy around crotchless panties. Besides, although I have no personal experience, they can’t be comfortable.

3 – YouTube Advertisements
Is there anybody on this planet who doesn’t click “Skip Ad” the nanosecond it shows up?

4 – Camouflage clothing
Unless you’re military personnel, and thus forced to wear it, camo clothing is not a fashion option. Here’s the deal: you’re sitting at a Starbucks on 49th Avenue. We can see you — clearly.

5 – Golf
I literally have nothing to say.

6 – Decaffeinated Coffee
Like low-fat ice cream and non-alcoholic beer, decaf coffee kinda defeats the purpose. We drink coffee for the caffeine: that’s why we drink it. If you want to avoid caffeine, maybe you shouldn’t drink this hot beverage in the first place. Honestly, drinking decaf coffee is like going to a whore for a hug.

7 – Bottled Water
We live in a society where, with one flick of the wrist, we have enough free water to take out that Pharaoh who was chasing Moses. (That’s hot and cold, 24/7 BTW.) Entire apartment complexes get flooded because some moron forgets (FORGETS!) to turn off the bath water. We have so much water available to us gratis, we pee in it. Why, under any circumstances, would anybody buy it?

8 – Miniature Doberman Pinschers
Doberman Pinschers are a noble animal. They are friendly, brave, fierce when provoked and loyal to a fault. They make great pets. However, shrink them down to the size of a chicken, and all you’ve got are evil mice.

9 – Mimes
Outside France, nobody likes mimes. These guys are the Ebola of the entertainment world. No bar, tavern, nightclub or cantina has ever promoted Mime Monday, for example. That would just be a good way to empty the joint. Mimes are just a little bit icky, and that whole leotard thing is close enough to obscene to warrant the name.