Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

How Edward the mouse found Christmas

It was one night from Christmas, and Edward the mouse

Was dreaming mouse dreams in his tiny mouse house.

He dreamt of his presents tucked under the tree:

A skateboard, an iPad and a Playstation 3

Some new Uggs, Adidas and Old Navy jeans,

Just like all of the ads that he’d seen on TV

Little mouse trains and hi-def PVRs

Posters and iPods and little mouse cars.

He snuggled in bed as on his dream went,

For his e-mail to Santa had been promptly sent.

And to help Santa’s weight, he left five carrots sticks

And sugar-free soda to wash them down with.

Now Edward the mouse wasn’t greedy, you see,

Edward by Lady C

But he’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be)

He’d done everything right and taken great care.

Now Christmas was here and he wanted his share.

Then the digital clock that sat by his head

Shone midnight, and Edward awoke in his bed.

The oddest of sounds, thought Edward, and then

He listened quite hard and he heard it again.

It sounded like someone was out by the tree,

So Edward got out of his bed just to see.

He tiptoed around and he took just one peek

And what he saw there would make any mouse squeak:

Santa Claus! – was holding one carrot stick out

To one of his reindeer who chomped it right down

“Oh my Gosh!” said Edward the mouse right out loud

When Santa heard that – well, he turned right around

Edward by Lady C

And said, “What have we here?  A mouse has slipped in.”

And the reindeer walked over and casually sniffed him.

Now Edward was frightened – he felt rather sick,

But Santa said, “Thank you for these carrot sticks.

My reindeer quite like them, as you probably know.

Myself, I like milk and fudge Oreos.

Now Edward mouse, you should be in your bed,

Not sneaking around here and squeaking instead.

But since you’re awake, come here and you’ll see

What present I’ll leave for you under the tree.”

Then Santa reached over and pulled from his sack

Gourmet Cheese in the Holiday Pack!

It had Muenster and Gouda and Natural Swiss

And one small salami (for flavour, I guess)

Edam and cheddar and something called Brie,

And little wheat crackers to go with the cheese.

It was wonderfully made and wrapped ever so nice,

Especially packaged for yuppies — and mice.

But Edward the mouse just stood there in shock.

This was nothing his little mouse mind ever thought:

No iPod?  No skateboard?  No Playstation 3

So where was his Smart Phone? Oh, what could this mean?

He’d been a good mouse (or at least, tried to be.)

This was supposed to be Christmas all magic and dreams,

And Edward the mouse didn’t know what to say.

But Santa Claus smiled in his own special way.

He looked down at Edward and patted his head,

Twinkled his eyes, and quietly said,

“I know that you’ve seen all those ads on TV,

But what would a mouse do with Old Navy jeans?

The legs are too long and the pockets too deep.

Now I have to go, and you have to sleep

And on Christmas morning, Edward the mouse,

Got out of his bed in his tiny mouse house.

He ran for the tree and looked at his cheese

And never could ever a mouse be so pleased:

‘There’s more than enough cheese for me,” Edward said

Edward by Lady C

“I’ll take it all out and share with my friends!

I’ll give them the Gouda, and Edam is nice.

Oh, they’ll be so pleased; they’ll be such happy mice!”

So he grabbed all the cheese and he left — just like that

(Of course, he remembered his coat and his hat)

But as he rushed out with the cheese he would share,

He’d forgotten the stocking he’d hung with such care.

So happy to give, our mouse didn’t know

There was one mouse-sized skateboard tucked into the toe.

 Merry Christmas

WikiLeaks Targets Santa

WikiLeaks has struck again!  Somebody has hacked into Santa’s computer, and WD Fyfe has been given exclusive rights to publish some of the e-mails Santa Claus has received this year.  Here is a small sample.

Dear Santa — My name is Sarah, and I can see your house from my window.  I’ve been a good girl all year, not like that busybody, Michelle.  I don’t really want anything for Christmas this year, but in 2012, I’d like a new house in November — preferably in Washington. – Sarah — Sorry about the shooting: I didn’t know it was Blitzen.

Dear Santa — My name is Brian, and I’ll give you all my draft picks for the next 10 years if you give me somebody who can put the damn puck in the net.  I’ve tried to be good all year.  You can’t hold that stupid Kessel trade against me because that was last year. — Brian

Dear Santa — My name is Justin, and I don’t want anything for my birthday, thank you.  I’m perfect. – Justin Trudeau, Dauphin of Canada and MP (Papineau, Quebec)

Dear Santa — My name is Joe.  Please don’t forget me again this year.  I’m the vice-president of the United States.  I’ve been good all year — except for the swearing part but that wasn’t my fault.  I’d like some of the foreigners who come to visit us to remember my name.  It would mean a lot to me. — Joe Biden (b-i-d-e-n) Biden

Dear Santa — My name is Julian.  I’ve been a nasty little boy all year, but I don’t care because if you don’t give me what I want for Christmas, I’m going to leak all those e-mails you sent to the rehab clinic about Rudolph. — I’m watching you! Julian

Dear Santa — My name is Gregor, and I’ve been a sensitive, caring man all year.  I’d like Peace on Earth for people who ride bicycles, and the rest of those “hacks” can go to hell.  Oops, I apologize for my error in judgement: I didn’t know my pen still had ink in it. — Still not Premier of BC, Gregor Robertson

Dear Santa — If you want the World Cup at the North Pole, just put the money in an envelope and leave it under the tree.  We’ll understand. — FIFA

Out of the way, Fat boy!  I’m taking over.  Christmas is mine.  I deserve it.  I work harder than you do –all year – not just during the holidays.  And I get way more mail than you do.  I give people better presents than you do too.   And more people know who I am.  So clear off, or I’ll buy all the toys in the world and put you out of business. — The Mega-Evil-Corporation (formerly known as Oprah)

Dear Santa — My name is Al, and I’ve been a good boy my entire life.  I invented Christmas and the Internet.  And, since I’ve already got an Academy Award and a Nobel Peace Prize, I really don’t need that much for Christmas.  However, if you could make a certain massage therapist take the money and shut up, I’d really appreciate it. – Thanks! Al

Signore Claus — The girls and I are getting together over the holidays for a party, and we think it would be way cool to have some elves join in.  If you could send a dozen or so, that would be meravigliosa.  Never mind the price: we’ll just pay them when they get here. — Silvio Berlusconi

Santa — My name is Barack, but you can call me Obama; everybody else does.  I know the whole Hope and Change thing didn’t work out, but I was a good boy just for trying it.  So don’t listen to those guys at Fox News.  I’ve got a long list of things to do this year, but my #1 Christmas present priority is Sarah Palin.  Could you let her win the Republican Nomination in 2012?   Maybe then I’ll have enough time to get some of this stuff done. — Obama

Dear Santa — This is to inform you that 13 of your elves don’t like the way you’re running Christmas.  If you don’t step down immediately, they’re going to quit and make their own Christmas, and it’s going to be way better than yours. — Jenny Kwan — PS: When is Libby going to retire?

Dear Mr. Claus — My name is Justin, and I think I’m 12 years old.  I’ve been a good boy all year and made a lot of little girls happy.  I don’t really need anything for Christmas, but if you can do it, like my new friend Pinocchio, I’d like to be a real boy.  Thank you very much. — Your friend, Justin Bieber

Fat Capitalist — Do not come near my sovereign airspace.  I will retaliate and shoot you down.  Be very afraid of me I have nuclear weapons. — Glorious Leader, Kim Jung-il

And the rest from a government computer in Ottawa:

Salutations — I’m not really sure what I want for Christmas.  Conceptually, I suppose I’d like something to do with Peace on Earth, maybe.  Theoretically, one could argue that Good Will to Men would be a good thing, as long as it included women.  Of course, Happy Holidays is part of our common tradition, dating back to the 4th century and the inception of Christianity.  Actually, between you and me, I just want outta here.  The people here are so stupid.  I don’t know what ever possessed me to leave Harvard. – Sincerely, Michael Ignatieff

Patriarchal Holiday Being — We don’t believe in you.  Stop oppressing ordinary working Canadians.  We demand a Government Inquiry into the working conditions of the elves.  We oppose your American-style gift giving and your illegal occupation of the North Pole. — National NDP Caucus (Jack Layton, Acting Chair)

Pere Noel — Last year my presents were not bilingual and that made me very angry, but I kept them anyway.  This year, you have to give me twice as many presents or I won’t celebrate Christmas with you anymore. — Gilles Duceppe

And one weird Podcast:

Santa, baby! slip a majority of seats, to me

I’ve been an awful good boy

And hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa, honey! A senate that will do what I say, my way

I’ll wait up for you here, Santa baby.

So hurry down the chimney tonight.

[And it just went on and on]

Christmas and Commercialism

Personally I think “Christmas is getting way too commercialized!” is just a phrase everybody yips about at Christmas.  In truth, Christmas is pretty much the same as it always has been.  However, there have been some profound changes that not everyone is aware of.   For example, in the 21st century our buying habits have…..

 We interrupt this blog to bring an important breaking story

In a surprise marketing move, at least 3 gigantic electronics companies have introduced the same new consumer product — just in time for Christmas.  The Incredibly Useless Thing was introduced simultaneously at retail outlets around the world today.  The product sold out within hours.  Immediately dubbed the iThing by every unimaginative journalist in the universe, the device has sent computer geeks everywhere scurrying back to their mothers’ basements to try it out.  According to industry spokesperson, Nebraska Peterson, the iThing comes with twice as many mega-pixels and enough speed and memory to launch the Mars Rover from your kitchen.

“We’re calling it a whole new approach to connectivity,” Peterson said. “The iThing will connect with every other electronic piece of junk you own.  It’s wireless and interactive.  There are different coloured lights that come on randomly and various unusual sounds.  We’ve also added a remote, so you can access the iThing from any corner of the planet.  The remote is as big as a barn, with 17 buttons that don’t do anything, 6 buttons that do something (but nobody knows what) and 3 buttons that you’d better not touch because they’ll bugger up everything in your house — including the toaster.”

The iThing uses the new Inutile Operating System, which is no different from any other system except it kinda works but not really with all the stuff you’ve already got.  It’s unnecessarily complicated and the Interactive Help Menu is no help whatsoever.  Installation and set-up are so confusing no ordinary person can possibly understand what half the crap does, and if you click the wrong button in the dialog box, you’re screwed forever.  All three gigantic electronic companies are offering 24/7 tech support in a language that sounds remarkably like gibberish.  So say your prayers, ’cause the coyote’s got a better chance of catching the road runner than you have of ever figuring this thing out.

In a candid interview, one techno-drone said they’ve changed the names and placement of every function on the menu just to screw with everybody.  He went on to say that software developers do this all the time because all the cool kids in high school made fun of them, and they still haven’t got laid.  He concluded by shouting, “Who’s laughing now, Braaadley?”

Initially, the iThing will be offered in two models: the cheap one you see advertised (which is under powered and worthless) and the outrageously expensive one (which the pirates who made the device know you are going to have to buy eventually, anyway.)  However, Canadian media giants Rogers and Bell — who between them, own everything but the Crown Jewels — are taking a bold new direction as retailers.  “We don’t care about the iThing itself,” they say. “It’s free.  You can have the damn thing for nothing, as long as you sign a 5 year contract of penal servitude so we can charge you for every nanosecond it operates from the minute you turn it on.”

There have already been protests about the predator pricing of the iThing.  A fake YouTube commercial, showing the iThing exploding has already been e-mailed to everyone on the planet, and a Facebook group called “iThing Sucks” has attracted several million members.  Retailers have responded to the criticism by saying, “Big deal! A bunch of kids and old people have clicked a button on Facebook.  So what?  We’re sold out already, anyway.”

Nebraska Peterson, spokesperson for the three gigantic electronic companies, also responded by saying, “There has been some criticism, but the retail numbers speak for themselves.  This is not a manufactured shortage.  Our customers are saying they want the iThing.  Look at the unholy prices people are getting, reselling it on eBay!  But we’re a family-oriented company and we want parents and grandparents to have something for their loved ones during the Holidays, so we’re offering an opportunity to pre-purchase the next shipment of iThings.  Your purchase comes with a numbered gift card which you can use to track your iThing through the entire distribution process.  We plan to ship fairly quickly, so pre-purchasers should have their iThing within 3 months.”  Peterson admitted, however, that pre-sales had far extended the company’s ability to print the gift cards, and most people are just using their credit card receipts as presents.  She also hinted that there was already a new and improved model, the iThing 2.0 — with tons more memory, better resolution, and a cheaper price tag — which should be in retail outlets on April 1st, 2011.

We now return you to your regular blog.

Therefore, in light of this profound and insightful argument, we can conclude that commercialism hasn’t changed the face of Christmas but merely modified the holiday spirit.