Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

A Lesson in Logic

A week or so ago, a man disguised himself, for no apparent reason, got on an Air Canada flight in Hong Kong (apparently without a passport) and came to Canada.  Within minutes of his feet hitting the ground, he claimed refugee status and got a lawyer — although not necessarily in that order.  He is now a refugee or something like that.  It really doesn’t matter because he’s here now, and he’s going to stay here for the foreseeable future.  That’s Canadian law.  By the way, there’s nothing unusual about this.  Over the past few years, we’ve literally had boatloads of refugees showing up on our shores.  The thing that I don’t understand is why is this Canadian law?  What bunch of blithering idiots decided that an individual can’t become a refugee to Canada unless he’s already in Canada?  That’s just completely ass-backwards.

First of all, have these people, whoever they are, ever actually seen Canada and where we’re situated on the planet?  Just FYI, we’re the big pink bit at the north end of North America.  We have this long border with our only neighbour, the United States, and the rest is surrounded by water – ice and water, actually.  We are thousands and thousands of kilometres away from everybody except Detroit, Greenland and Siberia.  This would suggest that it’s stupid to process refugees only after they’ve already gotten here.

Secondly, have these people, whoever they are, ever actually seen a refugee?  Again, just FYI, refugees are what’s left over when Hell comes calling.  Severely beaten mentally, physically or both, about the only thing they have left is hope.  In general, refugees can be found fleeing for their lives, scared out of their wits, or in disgusting refugee camps that look like poverty was having a 2 for 1 sale.  Once again, this information would suggest it’s stupid to expect these poor buggers to get here first before we decide to help them.

So, just to clarify, no matter how desperate your circumstances, how many times you’ve been shot at or raped, whether you’re an orphan or just watching your family starve to death, as an individual, you can’t even apply for Refugee Status in Canada – unless you’re already in Canada.  There is a magic lottery where you could get picked or get sponsored, but you’re probably just as far ahead to wait for Madonna or Brangelina to wander by.  There’s only one other option – go look at a map.

There are only three ways to arrive in Canada – by boat, by plane or through the USA.  I’m sure some enterprising young people could kayak, swim or skate across the polar ice cap, but it’s not going to happen that often.  Coming from the USA is a bit problematic because, unless your name is Randy Quaid, there’s really no reason to travel through the Land of Milk and Money just to get here.  In other words, it’s highly unlikely your average Guatemalan refugees would risk their lives in the Sonoran Desert and bypass places like Phoenix, Los Angeles and Chicago just to get to Revelstoke or Timmins.  There’s got to be something else going on.  Your next choice is an airplane.  It’s quick but extremely difficult.  First of all, you have to get to an airport, presumably an international airport.  Then you have to buy a ticket, and finally you need a passport – although the passport thing seems to be optional when your destination is Canada.  In other words, you need money, transportation and some official status in your country of origin.  Your last alternative is a boat, and since very few cruise lines offer all-inclusive excursions to stinking, pestilent holes, your choice isn’t going to be Holland-America.  Once again, you need to get to a port, find a ship, pay for passage and have a passport or some documentation – money, transportation, and status.  Of course you can bypass all this if you choose Door #4: find a human smuggler.

There has been a lot of debate recently about refugees and human smugglers.  After you cut through the rhetoric (too many smugglers; too few refugees; too much money; too little compassion) it’s generally agreed that people who traffic in human beings are bad, and the refugee system in Canada is broken.  In fact, the Minister of Dumb-ass Solutions has even changed a few laws lately, but am I the only person who sees the fundamental problem?

We’re here; the refugees are way the hell over there.  We have a huge infrastructure worth millions and millions of dollars to provide aid, comfort and legal advice to refugees — here.  Whereas, to be blunt, refugees got dick – over there.  Wouldn’t it make sense to bundle up this whole system — lock, stock, barrister and solicitor — and move it from here to over there?  It would simplify the process no end.  It would be incredibly easy for refugees to get at the Canadian system, and it would make applications, hearings, and judgements quicker and more flexible.  The backlog would shrink and most importantly, it would virtually destroy the traffic in human beings.  I don’t see a downside, but it’s almost like Canadians are clinging to the status quo as if their lifestyle depended on it.  It strikes me that keeping our advocacy groups, NGOs, activists, social workers and lawyers bottled up in West Vancouver, Mount Royal and Rosedale, while the most destitute human beings on the planet are selling their souls just to get here, is really souring the milk of human kindness.  Canadians are passionate about our refugee problems – for and against – but there is universal compassion for human suffering.  We need to fix our refugee system and stop this insidious trade in human misery.  Personally, I think if Canadians knew who the bloodsucking profiteers were, they’d put a stop to them — immediately.

Seeing is Believing

Sometime in the late 1970s, a clandestine team of top scientists developed a super-secret formula.  This formula was so secret and so dangerous that each of the scientists who worked on the project was immediately killed in what looked like a series of unrelated freak accidents.  This formula was then introduced to a small segment of the population.  It was a formula for invisibility.

This isn’t just another idiot conspiracy theory like Roswell, Area 51 or Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Alone.  This is backed up by hard evidence.  So before you pooh-pooh it and lump it in with the Illuminati and WMDs in Iraq, let’s look at the facts.

In 1970, Toni Cade Bambara wrote in The Black Woman, “…a man cannot be politically correct and a chauvinist too.”  This was the birth of Politically Correct, an ethos of inclusion that was welcomed by a society too long dominated by old, bald, Euro-American men.  For a few years, people followed its tenets with some very good results — firemen became firefighters, mailmen became letter carriers, and so on.  This worked out quite well for a while: unfortunately, like all movements embraced by the middle class, Politically Correct went nuts.  Eager to prove their sensitivity and superiority the Middle class jumped on the PC bandwagon like it was heading to Oprah Winfrey’s house.  They decided that our entire society should be regulated by their vision of politically correct, and, as per usual, would not take no for an answer.  Soon PC thugs were roaming cocktail parties, being indignant and shouting at people.  They crashed political gatherings to be offended and call people names.  Ordinary folks — who had never been racists, sexists, bigots or anything else — were intimidated in the face of this naked aggression and usually just shut up and went home.  All during the 70s, the population cowered in fear as Yves St Laurent jackboots prowled the pavement, kicking people into line.  It wasn’t until the Culture Wars of the 1980s that a brave resistance fought back and proved — beyond any doubt — that Politically Correct was totally stupid and anybody who expounded its virtues was an idiot.  Yet the movement didn’t die.  Why?

Around the same time, it suddenly became trendy for fashionable people to drink incredibly overpriced bottled water.  They sucked away on this stuff like starving piglets at every inappropriate opportunity and generally left a mess wherever they went.  It was everywhere, from the gymnasium to the boardroom.  Then, just as suddenly, it stopped.  The water is still being sold, and the empty plastic bottles are still choking the life out of our landfills, but you never see anybody drinking the stuff anymore.  Why?

There is only one conclusion.  The Politically Correct have become invisible.  It sounds far-fetched, but when you stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense.  Just ask yourself a few simple questions.  Who drank that overpriced bottled water?  Those pain-in-the ass, holier-than-thou middle class muffins.  Do rednecks ever drink Perrier or Pellegrino?  No, they’ve never even heard of them.  How come people still lower their voices and glance around whenever they talk about “inappropriate” things – even in their own homes?  And how come we have to go through the same old “Happy Holidays”/“Merry Christmas” crap every year?  You’re starting to come around, aren’t you?  Now here’s the kicker, and this really puts the croutons in the Caesar salad, believe me.  Do you actually know anybody who admits they’re Politically Correct?  You probably don’t.  In fact, most people go out of their way to declare that they’re Politically Incorrect.  So where did they go?  Think about it.

Here’s what happened.  The Politically Correct knew they were fighting a losing battle, but rather than surrender, they just took a page out of their Nazi forefathers’ playbook and went into hiding.  With all the money they collected from civil rights lawsuits, they bought and perverted modern science to give them an opportunity to stay close and lie in wait.  This is why we’re all still scared stupid about which term to use when and about who we may be offending.  They’re still among us — listening.  So the next time you feel that tingle on the back of your neck, or a cool breeze on your ankles be afraid – be very afraid, because they’re still out there – watching — waiting for their opportunity.