Category: Culture

America 1 – FIFA 0

FIFALast week, FIFA learned there’s really only one rule in the 21st century: don’t piss off the Americans.  The world’s #1 bully is about to meet The Expendables, and as the man said, “There will be blood.”  At this point the situation is beyond complicated, so here’s the Twitter version.

It’s common knowledge that FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) is one of the most corrupt organizations on the planet, rivalled only by the IOC and the Communist Party of China.  And they’re arrogant about it.  Their attitude has always been: “We’re FIFA.  If you don’t like the way we do business, too bad.  Go play badminton.”  It’s a simple choice, so for decades the world has played futbol by FIFA’s rules, handed over those hefty brown envelopes and shut up about it.  Even the Macho Man himself, Vladimir Putin, had to do some serious sucking up when Sepp Blatter and his boys came calling.  In a nutshell, FIFA is to sports what Al Capone was to liquor distribution.

Enter the Americans, who decided in 2010 they’d like to host The World Cup again in 2022.  Their main rival was Qatar.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, America is a place with enough sports facilities and infrastructure to host an Interplanetary Quidditch Tournament next Wednesday, if they so desired.  Qatar, on the other hand, is a roasted bit of desert.  Fortunately for the Qataris though, their country is oil-rich as Croesus and located  in an area of the world where baksheesh, a polite word for the hidden cost of doing business (bribery) is as common as sand castles.  FIFA fell in love; Qatar won the bid.  America called “Bullshit!”  It didn’t matter, though, because — why? — FIFA, that’s why.  So America picked up its balls, went home and quietly unleashed the FBI.

Five years later, the American legal system is kicking down FIFA doors, seizing FIFA records and papering FIFA walls with arrests and indictments.  What goes around, comes around, Herr Blatter.

The incredible irony is America doesn’t give a rat’s ass for futbol.  They think it’s a game played in the suburbs by soccer moms in minivans.  Football — real football — is played by gigantic men in armour and doesn’t involve that much contact between the foot and the ball.  Which brings us to the real reason America is about to slap the crap out of FIFA — somebody’s got to do it and no other country has the cojones.

Here’s the deal: everybody on this planet knows FIFA is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.  However, FIFA also controlsFIFA1 billions in advertising and merchandising revenue.  No country in their right mind is going to put that kind of coin in jeopardy over a few measly millions in bribe money.  D’uh!  However, if the Americans want to get all Rambo about it — it’s easy to look the other way.  Besides, if FIFA gets taken down a peg or two, so much the better.  It’s a classic case of “Let’s you and him fight.”

And this fight is going to be biblical.  FIFA’s been pushing people around for so long they’re really, really good at it.  Meanwhile, America, like The Expendables, is showing its years.  However, at the end of the day, Stallone, Stratham and the bros can still put the smackdown on anybody who gets in the way.  So, FIFA is going to clean up its act because — why? — America, that’s why!

The Weird Shall Inherit The Earth

daliJust when you thought our contemporary world couldn’t get any WTF weirder, the planet looks you straight in the eye and says, “Challenge accepted!”  Sometimes I think the 21st Century is a Salvador Dali painting inhabited by the cast and crew of Monty Python.  If our society was a George R.R. Martin novel, nobody would believe it.  But the problem is this stuff is true.

Last week, on a live radio broadcast, a couple of Danish DJs bashed a baby bunny over the head with a bicycle pump.  (Where’s PETA when you need them?)  They explained they did it to stimulate debate about our hypocritical attitude towards animals.  They succeeded beyond their wildest expectations.  Apparently, bludgeoning bunnies to death — even on radio — drives social media nuts, and the term “heartless bastards” was used more than once.  My question is are these Danish DJs absolutely certain that there isn’t some nutbar out there planning to stimulate the debate about our hypocritical attitude towards DJs?

A televangelist in Turkey warned men not to masturbate because their hand will become pregnant in the afterlife.  Whoa!  Actually, I have no problem with people speculating about what happens to us after the dirt nap — we all wonder — but I’ve got some serious questions before I take this one on faith.  Asexual reproduction alone would keep the conversation going for years, and I don’t even know where to start speculating about how this is even anatomically possible.  However, my question is, given this scenario, what happens when women masturbate?

In their furor to protest Ireland’s acceptance of same sex marriage, the Westboro Church (a hate organization masquerading as a house of God) waved the Irish flag upside down to symbolize Ireland as a nation in distress.  Coincidentally, this turned  the Irish flag into the flag of the Ivory Coast.  Suddenly, Westboro’s chants and placards were condemning the wrong country!  My question is does Ivory Coast have some legal recourse under international law to force the Westboro Church to quit calling them names, and can they seek compensation for the damage already done?  Perhaps Westboro is making an honest mistake — I don’t think many of them have actually even heard of Côte d’Ivoire — but if you’re going to hate something, shouldn’t you be legally obligated to get it right?

And it never ends.  As Super Junior once said — à la Sonny and Cher — “The Beat Goes On.”

Vacation News From Europe

europeFor most North Americans Europe is a gigantic theme park off the coast of Great Britain.  It has wine, cheese, art and architecture, and even though it’s full of arrogant foreigners, we love to go there.  Of course, nobody west of Cape Cod actually cares what happens in Europe unless it happened in World War II.  However, every once in a while, European events do break through the MSNBC/FOX stranglehold on news — especially if they affect North American vacation plans.  That’s what happened last week.

Ireland Legalizes Same Sex Marriage.

What a blatant cash grab!  The Irish are the biggest tourism whores ever.  Not content with marketing shamrocks, shillelaghs, leprechauns, Bono and the colour green, now they’re after the international DINK (double income/no kids) community.  Make no mistake: those DINKs have money and the Irish want to get their hands on it.  To hell with the dying Celtic Tiger.  The Irish are going to create a wedding bells/honeymoon destination without any heterosexual limitations ’cause there’s a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.  If you thought the line for The Blarney Stone was long before … this summer, DINKs will be everywhere — on tour buses, hanging out in the pubs, peeking out the windows of the Bed & Breakfasts.  Personally, I think it’s brilliant, and when Irish TV starts broadcasting Gay Divorce Court, I’m totally watching.

French Government Makes It Illegal For Supermarkets To Destroy Edible Food.  They Must Donate It To Charity.

This is one of the meanest moves in French history.  In a nation of culinary snobs, forcing the poor to eat leftovers has got to be the ultimate slap in the face.  Whatever happened to LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ?  Basically, it’s, “Here’s the deal, mon frère: we’re all equal, but your Coq au vin is cold!”  It’s like a modern Marie Antoinette saying, “Let them eat day-old cake.”  And we all know what happened when the original Marie stuck her nose into French cuisine — heads did roll.  I don’t expect the Parisian mob to be shouting “Aux barricades!” any time soon, but there will be repercussions.  Rumour has it that Le Metro workers might go on strike this summer, and French waiters aren’t going to be quite so jovial as they have been in the past.

And that’s the news from Europe, North America — see you next year.