Tag: Ireland

The Irish Don’t Drink — Much

beer

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, the one day a year when everybody wants to be Irish!  Which is interesting — given that Irish history is a litany of famine, conquest, rebellion, exploitation, betrayal, some more famine, mass emigration, civil war, bombings, assassination, another famine, whiskey, guns, God, and a particularly vigorous branch of the Catholic Church.  (But that’s a story for another time.)  Personally, I think most people celebrate St. Paddy’s Day because they’ve have been sucked in by the myth that the Irish drink a lot, and they just want to get in on some of the action.  I have no idea where the world got the impression that Ireland is basically 5 million alcoholics, clinging to a rock in the north Atlantic — I’m looking at you, Hollywood — but it just isn’t true.  And today’s as good a day as any to shoot that fairy tale in the head and bury it in the back garden.

Disclaimer: I’ve been known to throw back an adult beverage or two in my time, so I cast no aspirations on any country, region, ethnic or religious group — and if they’re eagerly offended, it’s their own damn fault!

No, the Irish are not the biggest drinkers in the world.  (They aren’t even in the top ten.)  According to no less an authority that the British media outlet The Telegraph, the biggest boozers on Earth are the good citizens of Belarus.  I’ve never been to Belarus, but I’ve seen bits of it on TV and quite frankly — I’d drink, too.  After that, the top ten have all the usual suspects — Lithuania (#3), Russia (#4), Romania (#5), Ukraine (#6) — and a couple of surprises, Moldova (#2) and Andorra (#7.)  I have no idea where Moldova is, but I assume it’s a scrubby little country east of the Balkans, and Andorra is basically a handful of mountains stuck between France and Spain.  Quite frankly, if I was sitting on a mountain, looking at the politics of those two, I’d be tempted to pull a cork or three — and that’s exactly what goes on in that part of the Pyrenees.  It turns out, that, per capita, the folks in Andorra drink more wine than anyone else on the planet.  However, they’re not that far ahead of #2, Vatican City, which, coincidently, also has more priests per square centimetre than anywhere else in the world — which probably makes “morning after” confession a piece of cake.  The other weird one in the top ten list of wine drinkers is the Falkland Islands — although it’s not surprising.  After all, what do you do in the Falklands?  Watch the wind blow and hope to hell it isn’t full of Argentineans — again?

Actually, the only place Ireland even figures into the top ten of drinking anything is beer.  However, they’re only #7 — substantially behind the Czech Republic (#1) and another couple of rowdies, the Seychelles (#2) and Namibia (#5.) The Seychelles are about 100 strips of sand, half- submerged in the Indian Ocean, so I imagine there are a ton of drunken tourists upping their numbers — but Namibia?  Good, bad or indifferent, Namibia normally never comes up on the panel.  About the only thing I can say, with any confidence, about Namibia is they drink beer — a lot more than the Irish.

So tomorrow, if you feel the need, have a Green Beer or a Guinness or whatever your pleasure, but if you want to sop hops with the big boys, wait a couple of days until March 21st.  That’s Namibia’s Independence Day, and the truth is those folks know how to drink!

Vacation News From Europe

europeFor most North Americans Europe is a gigantic theme park off the coast of Great Britain.  It has wine, cheese, art and architecture, and even though it’s full of arrogant foreigners, we love to go there.  Of course, nobody west of Cape Cod actually cares what happens in Europe unless it happened in World War II.  However, every once in a while, European events do break through the MSNBC/FOX stranglehold on news — especially if they affect North American vacation plans.  That’s what happened last week.

Ireland Legalizes Same Sex Marriage.

What a blatant cash grab!  The Irish are the biggest tourism whores ever.  Not content with marketing shamrocks, shillelaghs, leprechauns, Bono and the colour green, now they’re after the international DINK (double income/no kids) community.  Make no mistake: those DINKs have money and the Irish want to get their hands on it.  To hell with the dying Celtic Tiger.  The Irish are going to create a wedding bells/honeymoon destination without any heterosexual limitations ’cause there’s a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.  If you thought the line for The Blarney Stone was long before … this summer, DINKs will be everywhere — on tour buses, hanging out in the pubs, peeking out the windows of the Bed & Breakfasts.  Personally, I think it’s brilliant, and when Irish TV starts broadcasting Gay Divorce Court, I’m totally watching.

French Government Makes It Illegal For Supermarkets To Destroy Edible Food.  They Must Donate It To Charity.

This is one of the meanest moves in French history.  In a nation of culinary snobs, forcing the poor to eat leftovers has got to be the ultimate slap in the face.  Whatever happened to LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ?  Basically, it’s, “Here’s the deal, mon frère: we’re all equal, but your Coq au vin is cold!”  It’s like a modern Marie Antoinette saying, “Let them eat day-old cake.”  And we all know what happened when the original Marie stuck her nose into French cuisine — heads did roll.  I don’t expect the Parisian mob to be shouting “Aux barricades!” any time soon, but there will be repercussions.  Rumour has it that Le Metro workers might go on strike this summer, and French waiters aren’t going to be quite so jovial as they have been in the past.

And that’s the news from Europe, North America — see you next year.

St. Patrick’s Day Trivia — II

pub-483944_1280It takes more than a green t-shirt and a belly full of beer to make you Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.  Well, no.  Actually, it doesn’t.  However, if you want to appear to be more than just a Liam-come-lately to the party, you need to know a little bit about the Emerald Isle.  Here are a few quick and dirties to help you out:

“I’ll Take You Home Again, Kathleen,” that great Irish ballad, was written in Indiana by Thomas Westendorf, a German-American (whose wife’s name, BTW, was Jennie.)

The O’Connell Bridge across the River Liffey is the only bridge in Europe that’s wider than it is long.

The windmills in Ireland turn clockwise, which is exactly the opposite of the way they turn everyplace else on the planet.

What’s the difference between Bono and God?  God doesn’t walk around acting as if he’s Bono.

There are two official languages in Ireland: English and Irish.  Most stuff is bilingual and everybody speaks English, but if you act like a jackass, especially in the West Country, you might find yourself facing a solid wall of no comprendo Gaelic.  Just sayin’.

The Guinness Book of World Records holds the Guinness World Record for books most often stolen from public libraries.

In Dublin, between 6 pm Friday and 3 am Monday, approximately 10,000 pints of beer are consumed — every hour.

The remains of St Valentine (who isn’t a saint, anymore)are in Ireland.  You can visit the shrine at Whitefriar Street Church in Dublin.

And speaking of saints, Saint Patrick isn’t one.  There is no evidence that St. Patrick was ever canonized.

And, hold on to your shillelagh: Saint Patrick wasn’t even Irish!  In fact, chances are good, he was — OMG — English.

A word to the wise though: don’t go spouting those last two nuggets of knowledge promiscuously around the pub.  It just might put the ire in your Irish friends — permanently.  As my great uncle used to say, “You never want to give a Celt an opportunity to hate you.”  Sound advice.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.