Category: Entertainment

Women VS Girls

jessicaI like women.  The problem is, they seem to have disappeared.  The nom de guerre of 21st Century female might be “badass bitch” but the poster child is — unfortunately — a girl.  Look around!  The media’s obsession with youth has produced this strange caricature of women that, at best, defies reality and, at worst, is just laughable.  These days, the feminine ideal has been distilled down to an uneven blend of  Bella Swan and Sailor Moon.  After that, it’s a megaleap to Meryl Streep and Maggie Smith.  There’s nothing in between.

Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst and Kristen Bell are all well into their 30s, but they remain “girls” in the movies they make.  Elizabeth Taylor played Cat on a Hot Tin Roof when she was 26.  These “older women” are just too candy-cane sweet to even attempt that.  The only one of the current thirtysomethings bunch who might do justice to Maggie is Scarlett Johansson, but she’s too busy being a skin-tight Black Widow in the Marvel™ universe.

Lauren Bacall was 20 when she played Slim in To Have and Have Not, and she didn’t look the least bit out of place next to Humphrey Bogart.  Audrey Hepburn was 25 when she played Sabrina.  Vivien Leigh was in her 20s when she was Scarlett O’Hara, and Ava Gardner was 24 as Kitty Collins in The Killers.  All of these characters were women, not girls.

In contrast, for example, nobody thinks it’s the least bit odd that Amy Adams was in her 30s when she harnessed on the ball gown to play a looking-for-love Disney Princess in Enchanted.  BTW, I’m not ragging on Amy Adams — she pulled it off.  My point is, why are grown women always expected to act like girls, these days?  And they are: even when their characters are long past the age of consent.

I understand times have changed in 60 years.  People are different.  We see gender roles differently and extended adolescence is an integral part of our society.  However, I think it’s pretty strange that we don’t let female actresses act their age until they’re old enough to be somebody’s grandma.

Say what you like about sexism in Hollywood back in the day; at least women were allowed to be grownups!

elizabeth taylor

The British Are Comi … They’re Here!

flagIn North America, just like fishnet stockings and a push-up bra, a tuxedo and a British accent is so close to being soft core porn it should have a warning label.  This is why we’re up to our entertainment elbows in expat Brits.  They’re all over the place, from John Oliver’s weekly dose of escalating indignation to this new guy, James Corden, whose nightly impression of Ricky Gervais isn’t actually all that bad.  But that’s the secret.  The British accent is so sexy on this side of the Atlantic, Brits don’t have to do much except show up.  You could give Bobo the dancing bear a bowtie and a few long vowels and even PETA would tune in.  There’s nothing wrong with this, BTW, I just find it fascinating.

Check it out.  Need a Lincoln?  Look in London.  Batman?  Same again, please.  Superman?  One more time.  Even Spiderman is a Brit, if not by birth.  How about a villain who will literally steal the show?  If Alan Rickman’s busy, try calling Tom Hiddleston.  David Tennant could read the Ipswich telephone book and get an Emmy, and Benedict Cumberbatch has so many Cumberbitches is tow he wouldn’t even have to read it.  Mark Strong, Kit Harington, Henry Cavill — the list goes on, and I haven’t even cracked open the Who’s Who of the Harry Potter franchise yet.  There are so many Brits kicking around the American media these day that Jude Law, Hugh Laurie and Damien Lewis don’t even count anymore.  It’s a wonder Clooney and the boys aren’t reduced to marrying rich lawyers or doing Chanel™ commercials just to make ends meet.

So what’s the deal?

Some people say our Anglophilia comes from watching too much PBS as children.  After all, Masterpiece Theatre has been American highbrow for over forty years, from Upstairs, Downstairs (the first time) to Downton Abbey, with any number of Emmas thrown in the middle.  Plus, for decades, Public TV has been so successfully murdering Brits every week that they’ve worn out one Sherlock Holmes and possibly three Miss Marples!  That’s a lot of cultural tea and crumpets for impressionable young minds to digest.

Personally, though, I disagree.  I believe our insatiable love affair with the Brits started here (see video) and is now irrevocably twisted into our DNA.  (And kids, if you don’t know who this is, ask your grandmother — she’ll remember.)

Celebrities: Gone and Forgotten

musician-664432_1280Have you ever wondered what happens to flash-in-the pan celebs?  You know the ones.  They’re all over the media for what seems like forever, and then, one morning you wake up and they’re either dragging their ass through some second-rate reality TV program or they’ve pulled a total Houdini and are off the radar entirely.  Where do they go?

The poster boy for this phenom is, of course, Macaulay Culkin.  In the early 90s, you simply couldn’t get away from the little brat.  Then suddenly, mid-decade, he disappeared.  Personally, I think puberty caught up with him and, since faux precocious was his only talent, he was out of a job.  In 2005, he resurfaced to explain a series of close encounters with Michael Jackson; in 2006 he wrote a book nobody’s bought, read or heard of; and in 2013, he ate a pizza.  That’s pretty much it.

I’ll bet if I said Nayda Suleman you’d have no idea who I was talking about.  Surprise!  It’s Octomom, that baby-making machine of 2009.  Since pumping out more than half a basketball team, six years ago, Suleman the Magnificent has gone on to do all the usual mom stuff: bitch about the kids, declare bankruptcy, go on Welfare, deny it, admit it, go on Oprah (twice) make a porno movie, deny it, admit it and check herself into Rehab.  Makes most new moms look downright lazy, don’t it?  Frankly, Octomom didn’t disappear so much as wear out her welcome.  But the weird thing is, in this entire media storm, nobody ever mentioned Octodad.

I don’t know where Crocs have gone, and, honestly, I don’t care.

Like Cinderella, Monica Lewinsky parlayed a simple party dress into an entire career.  Although the jury’s still out on whether Ms Lewinsky is enjoying her happily-ever-after, or not.  Ever since she and President Bill were inappropriate together, Monica has played an elaborate game of hide-and-seek with the media, popping up at odd times to remind people how terrible it is to be a pop culture celeb.  America’s Favorite Kiss-and-Tell has also made a ton of money.  (One million dollars from Barbara Walters, alone!)  These days, she’s involved in TED Talks…. (TED Talks?  Man, have those people gone downhill!)

Back in 2010/2011, Julian Assange was the bad boy of the week, WikiLeaks was the cause de jour and governments were getting in line to prosecute the guy.  Pretty good for an Australian whose only talent is sneaky.  They even made a movie about him: The Fifth Estate (which, BTW, was so godawful even The Cumberbatch couldn’t save.)  But what a difference a year makes!  Rather than face the music, when the lawyers started circling, Assange (just like that smarmy tattletale from high school) ran for cover behind the legal gates of the Ecuadorian Embassy.  Wait a minute!  The champion of free speech is hiding WHERE?  Anyway, despite the irony, he’s been there ever since.

Unless you’ve been living on Neptune, you’ve heard of Psy.  In 2012, he came storming out of South Korea and Gangnam Style became Asia’s most contagious export since the Black Plague.  It was the first video to exceed a billion hits on YouTube, and Psy generated so much media power he was able to bring MC Hammer back from the dead.  What’s he doing now?  No idea, but chances are good he’s spending a lot of time chillin with Right Said Fred, Bobby McFerrin and the Starlight Vocal Band at the One-Hit-Wonder Retirement Centre.

Nothing prepared the world for Paris Hilton.  She wasn’t the first celeb to become famous for being famous, but she certainly was the skankiest.  In 2003, when she “accidently” released a sex tape on the Internet to promote her TV show The Simple Life the media practically wet its pants.  From then on, the paparazzi have followed Paris like French pigs hunting truffles.  Not bad for a woman who has one expression — vapid.  Finally outnumbered by the Kardashians, she was kicked to the curb in 2007 and has remained there ever since, although she was recently spotted in Vegas faking orgasms for a dollar a toss at Thunder From Down Under.

How the mighty have fallen!