Valentine’s Day — Fiction

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On the first night, they blew out the candles and whispered in the suspicious darkness like spies unravelling their secrets.  The tip-wary waiters kept their distance.  And only a lipstick line on a brandy glass betrayed that they were ever there.  Eventually, there was a cloud-careful moon and a long walk through the hotel-crowded streets smooth with the forgotten footsteps of long ago lovers.

On the second night, they found the river, simmering black with dancing silver ridges — so they hid on the balcony and wondered if anyone would find them.  No one did.  And then, when they had nothing left to say, their shadows leaned forward and undressed them, caressed them and covered them so completely with the night that only their breathing remained.

On the third day, they slept deep into the sun, and folded into the bedsheets and their newspapers, they drank coffee and had breakfast and spilled the orange juice.  They walked past the museums and found a few tales of conflicting folklore from the market merchants who had stories to tell.  Then, as the afternoon slipped into evening, they wandered and wined their way back to the hotel for late night shrimp and avocados.

On the fourth morning, they picked up their telephones from the hotel safe, and when the taxi driver asked them about their luggage, they just shrugged.  At the airport, they phoned the kids to come get them because — after 20 years of Valentine’s Day weekends — Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were not foolish enough to pay for airport parking.

Happy Chinese New Year

happy-new-yearHappy Chinese New Year!  With that in mind, here is a reissue of WD Fyfe’s Fractured 12 Years of the Chinese Calendar.  Enjoy!

Rat -1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You are a cunning and devious little bastard who’s constantly plotting against your friends.  Most people don’t like you, and even people who don’t know you think you’re an asshole.

Ox – 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You are incredibly stupid and everybody takes advantage of you.  You’re going to end up with a shit job and no social life because you’re so boring nobody wants to be around you.

Tiger -1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
What a bully!  You think you’re tough, but all you really are is sneaky.  Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size, ya loser?

Rabbit -1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
You are promiscuous to a fault, without the smarts to be a whore.  You think you’re cute, but you’re just a pumped up little weasel who’ll screw anything with a pulse.

Dragon -1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
You’re a total egomania, but most people don’t even know you exist.  The ones who do think you’re a blowhard and avoid you whenever possible.  You’ll probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Snake -1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
You’re a smarmy, two-faced liar who would sell your own grandmother if you thought there was any profit in it.  People throw stones at you and chase you with sticks.

Horse -1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
You’re a petty little masochist who loves having your ass whipped.  You’re always getting scammed into doing all the work and letting others take the credit for it.  You think this is noble, but it’s just pathetic.

Sheep -1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
You’re such a complete pussy even little kids push you around.  You have no ambition in life and spend all your time hanging out with other people just as useless as you are.  Your idea of a good time is a haircut.

Monkey – 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016
You are a yappy waste of space who’s fascinated by your own feces.  You think people like you, but they’re actually laughing at you behind your back.  You look ridiculous half the time.

Rooster – 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017
You’re an arrogant know-it-all, strutting around, giving everybody the benefit of your opinion.  Actually, you’ve never said anything of value and just keep repeating yourself — over and over and over.  Even your friends want to choke the life out of you.

Dog -1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018
You are the world’s biggest suck.  It’s truly embarrassing to watch just how much ass-kissing you’re capable of.

Pig – 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019
You’re forever reminding people how smart you are to cover up your disgusting behaviour and atrocious table manners.  Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) wants to sleep with you — ever.  For God sake, you smell like a sewer!

Gong Hey Fat Choy

 

Just A Few More New Year’s Resolutions

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We’re less than a week into the New Year, and the salad eaters are already getting a little crabby, the non-smokers are downright belligerent and if Rashema, from accounting, tells you one more time why she’s not eating chocolate, you’re going to shove a Mars Bar™ up her nose.  But not to worry!  This happens every January when the “I’m-going-to-get-better” resolutions are still fresh.  In a couple of weeks, things will settle down and get back to normal.  Thank God!

However, in the interests of social progress, maybe it’s time our world made a few collective “I’m-going-to-get-better” resolutions.  Just a couple of minor changes that would enhance our society and make the journey from the cradle to the grave a little better for all of us.  Naturally, I have suggestions.

#1 — It’s time to limit the size of baby strollers.  Yes, parents have to move their kids around somehow, but they don’t need a vehicle the size of a Smart Car.  Some of those Infant Transportation Devices (ITDs) are big enough to have their own WiFi, for God’s sake!

#2 – And while we’re on the subject: let’s give some reasonable thought to carry-on luggage.  It isn’t necessary to haul that much crap onto an airplane that’s only going to be in the air a couple of hours.  And honestly, how much stuff do you actually need for a weekend in Vegas?

#3 — Let’s quit “checking our privilege” every five seconds.  Folks!  It’s still there.

#4 – And could we kindly remember that the collective wisdom of 50,000 years of science, mathematics, art and history isn’t merely a matter of opinion?

#5 – Perhaps we could overcome the burning need to constantly call each other with minute-by-minute updates on our global location.  “I’m on the bus.”  I’m around the corner.”  “I’ll be there in 10.”  If your friends are that worried you’re going to wander off like an absent-minded puppy, give the people around you a break and text them.

#6 – This is the year we should finally stop using the term “speaking out.”  First of all, it’s redundant and secondly, there’s an implication that, at some point, the speaker was silenced.  I can assure you: in our 24/7 Social Media universe, nobody is silent — unless they want to be.

#7 – Let’s not forget there’s a reason we have right and wrong.  Again, it’s not merely a matter of opinion.

#8 – At some point, we need to realize that a 140-character tweet is not a well-thought-out discussion of anything – ever.  Tweets don’t deserve that kind of respect.

#9 – The world would be a quieter, gentler place if everybody who has one would just shut up about their student loan.

#10 – We need to stop thinking people get extra points for being “authentic.”  They don’t!  It’s what people are supposed to be.

But the thing we all have to remember in 2019 – seriously — is:

#11 – It’s not about you!