Collective nouns are cool. They add colour and flavour to the otherwise boring job of naming things. Plus, once you get past the regular stuff like a herd of cattle, a flock of sheep, a pack of dogs etc., they get uber-creative. I wanna meet the person who thought up “a parliament of owls.” What kind of a mind can do that? Or a cauldron of bats? A prickle of porcupines? And everybody’s favourite – a murder of crows? I look at lemurs and think “cute little furry buggers” but somebody else thought “a conspiracy” and, yeah, they were right. A group of lemurs huddled together look like they’re plotting something. So, with that in mind, I thought I’d try my hand at creating collective nouns. Some are more creative than others.
A treachery of politicians – This illustrates the lie/deny cycle of political life.
A scold of environmentalists – A fine label for the holier-than-thou attitude most of these people take.
A robbery of insurance companies – This one speaks for itself.
A congratulation of celebrities – No other group on this planet spends as much time telling each other just how “awesome” they are.
A labyrinth of lawyers – If you can’t get there from here, there’s always a lawyer hiding around the corner somewhere.
A necessity of police officers – Let’s face it! Without the cops, the streets of most major cities would be a war zone.
A vocalization of vegans – Do you have any idea what these people don’t eat? Oh, never mind: they’ve already told you – twice!
An annoyance of evangelists – Nothing is quite as big a pain in the ass as somebody interrupting your day to tell you that their God can beat up your God.
A tremble of university students – Here’s a group so fragile they need “safe spaces” and “trigger warnings” just to make it through the day.
A lethargy of government workers – One government worker is no problem — but in a group … glaciers move faster.
A swindle of salesmen – Unfortunately, it’s always men who give this profession a bad name.
A tantrum of Twitter users – Once again, this speaks for itself.
A pharmacy of athletes – Professional athletes take a lot of “supplements” – a lot!
A trudge of tourists – What else would you call crowds of sober-faced 40-somethings, plodding through the streets, looking for art galleries, museums and monuments — day after day?
A disgrace of journalists – Once an honourable profession, as a group, these people haven’t done their job properly since Edward R. Murrow roamed the Earth.
A prance of parents – This group is particularly pleased with themselves — even though the vast majority of them are only parents because they let a Ryan Gosling movie get out of hand.
And finally:
A misery of millennials – These perpetual malcontents are constantly complaining about something. And when they run out of ordinary stuff to whine about, they trot out their student loan. God, people! Give it a rest! Nobody can be that unhappy.
Did I miss any?
WD Fyfe 