People are wonderful creatures. They come in infinite varieties, and just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they come up with something completely different and surprise you. It’s no wonder so many psychiatrists need therapy. I’ve studied people (informally) most of my life, and I’ve arrived at a few interesting conclusions.
Some people are not supposed to swear. I’m not talking about nuns or like that; I’m talking about the folks who don’t get it right. The ones who are trying way too hard to sound badass, and it just comes out weird. It’s as if they saw the words in a book and looked up the pronunciation. (Adding the final “g” is always a dead giveaway.)
Some people stink. No, not poor personal hygiene — that’s different. These are the folks who apply fragrance like it’s a contest. The ones who leave that tinny taste in your mouth when they walk past you.
Some people can’t tell a good story. They start off alright, but then they wander all over the place, trying to explain every detail. So, what begins as a quick-and-dirty about getting caught in the cat-door fades away — finally — ten minutes later, somewhere in Michigan, riding in Uncle Benny’s green ’82 Pontiac.
Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink. Sad people, angry people, touchy/feely people, people who cry a lot, but mostly those people who have one glass of wine and act like they’re auditioning for a Seth Rogen movie.
Some people shouldn’t be parents. We all know who those people are.
Some people work for the government. These are the people who know all the rules, what documents you need and what forms you have to fill out, but they take a perverse pleasure in keeping all that information secret for as long as possible.
Some people don’t own a mirror. There’s no other logical explanation. Why would anybody (who can see themselves) go out in public wearing an electric-pink angora sweater, matching hat, Daisy Duke short shorts and lumberjack work boots?
But my favourite is:
Some people aren’t all that smart. This isn’t a problem; it’s just a fact. The problem is the rest of us are too scared to mention it because of — uh — Stupid Shaming? — or some other such nonsense. The result is the world is full of stupid people, running around doing stupid stuff, and we all have to act like we don’t notice.
We finally made it. Summer is officially over. Once again, humanity has survived Mother Nature’s cunning plan to kill us all with soul- searing heat, mind-poaching humidity and the choking smoke of a billion barbeques. Pat yourself on the back, folks. But don’t get complacent ’cause it ain’t over yet. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who love summer and lament its passing. Yes, I know: it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Unfortunately, these folks just don’t know how to act once the temperature drops below broil. Personally, I tolerate these misguided creatures, but many people don’t. So, as the sun slowly fades south, if you’re still wearing flip-flops, here are a few helpful hints so that we can all live together in harmony this autumn.
WD Fyfe 