Category: Humor

Differences!

differencesEverybody knows that the death of one person is a terrible tragedy but the death of a million people is simply a statistic.  Like it or don’t, that’s just the way our minds work.  We perceive some things to be different even when logic and reason tell us they are the same.  This is an intuitive response our species developed back in prehistory when an instant judgement call decided whether we would have dinner or be dinner.  Here in the 21st century, we don’t think about it much and can’t really explain it when we do, but it remains — stuck in our psychic DNA.  Here are a few ordinary examples that demonstrate why we instinctively know some things are different even though they might appear to be the same.  Feel free to add to the list.

The difference between weird and eccentric is a British accent.

The difference between homeless and camping is the trees.

The difference between loser and lover is three shots of tequila.

The difference between Taylor Swift and trailer trash is minimal.

The difference between forgive and forget is forgiving someone who screwed you is a nice gesture; forgetting they did it is stupid.

The difference between an honest person and a dishonest person is who’s watching.

The difference between other people’s movies and Adam Sandler movies is sometimes other people’s movies are funny.

The difference between love and lust is something we don’t learn until we’re about 25.

The difference between skinny jeans and mom jeans is a broken heart, a pail of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and a Ryan Gosling movie marathon.

The difference between bald and sexy is a red Lamborghini.

The difference between a foreign accent and no accent at all is the person speaking with a foreign accent knows one more language than you do.

The difference between rich and poor is rich people can tell poor people what to do.

The difference between rich and wealthy is wealthy people hire rich people to tell poor people what to do.

And one of my favourites:

The difference between erotic and pornographic is the price of the lingerie.

Wicked Stepmothers – A Media Myth

step mother.jpgWe live in a time when anybody with the slightest complaint about our society (or life in general) plays the discrimination card.  The fact is there are so many groups claiming they’re oppressed these days that there’s hardly anyone left to do the oppressing.  The problem is, of course, in an ocean of phantom injury, the true tears of injustice frequently go unnoticed.  Which brings us to the one group who have endured and battled prejudice for centuries — stepmothers.

Over the years, the media has portrayed stepmothers as evil, wicked and, at times, even demonic.  Since the days of the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, stepmothers have been seen as second class citizens.  The struggles they face trying to hold blended families together are demeaned and the emotional price they pay ignored.  No one weeps when Snow White’s stepmother, The Queen, discovers she is no longer “the fairest of them all” — an emotional time for any woman.

And even though our society has made massive strides in tolerance and equality in other areas, the stepmother remains a cruel cliché.  Disney Studios alone makes millions exploiting the stereotype that stepmothers are wicked creatures, capable of anything.  What child doesn’t still cringe at the sight of The Wicked Queen in Snow White?  And Cinderella’s Madame Tremaine remains an icon of evil.  It wasn’t until 1969 that a brave Sherwood Schwartz brought The Brady Bunch to American television.  Finally, a fictional stepmother, Carol Brady, who was not emotionally stilted, steeped in cruelty, hurt and harm!  In fact, the entire program practically dripped with kindness.   Alas, it was not enough.

Since Carol and the rest of the Bradys were cancelled in 1974, the media’s assault on the stepmother has been relentless.  It is a litany of shame: Frieda in Happily N’ever After, Rodmilla de Ghent in Ever After, Clementianna in Mirror Mirror, Queen Narissa in Enchanted, Queen Ravenna in Snow White and the Huntsman and, of course, Evil Queen Regina in Once Upon A Time.   And now that Disney is cranking out live action remakes, there’s no end in sight.

It’s time to end the nightmare.

Truth

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Despite what philosophers and college sophomores try to tell you, Truth is not an elusive beast.  It’s not some shy chimera, hiding in a morally ambiguous forest, feeding on tender buds of nuance and leafy shoots of supposition.  It’s not semantically ambivalent.  It’s not coloured in a million shades of grey.  It’s not a matter of opinion.  Nope! None of the above!  Truth is real.  It’s big.  It’s bold.  It’s etched in stone.  And I can prove it.  Here are some hardcore facts — no ifs, buts, or maybes.  This is Truth, and it’s happening all around us.

The square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

There are three kinds of people in the world — those who understand math and those who don’t.

Your family always knows which buttons to push because they installed them.

Rock Bottom has a basement.

Paris is always a good idea.

The distance between loser and lover is sometimes measured in tequila.

Pregnant women are smug.

If you keep your clothes long enough, they might eventually come back into style — but by the time they do, they won’t fit.

A low-cut neckline beats a bad hair day every time.

The probability of red wine getting spilled on white carpet is directly related to the cost of the carpet, not the cost of the wine.

The only birthdays that actually matter are 18, 21, 40, 50 and 60.

And my favourite:

Everybody wants a sensitive man until the sonofabitch actually shows up.