Category: Humor

Halloween: Play By The Rules!

halloween2Okay, I’ve had enough!  Hallowe’en is one of the coolest holidays on the calendar, but lately it’s been disintegrating into a dress-up party for icky people.  Maybe it’s just the sugar shock but I don’t care.  Folks, there are rules to these things!  For God’s sake, take a minute and think about what you’re doing before you go out and make a jackass of yourself this October 31st.  So, once again here are some guidelines.

First and foremost:

Halloween is scary, not gory.  If your costume features internal organs, four pints of fake blood or a severed limb, you’re not doing it right.  Mutilation is not frightening; it’s gross.  It amazes me that the very parents who call in the grief counsellors when their child discovers the goldfish is dead will stick a fake chainsaw through their abdomen and congratulate themselves on their imagination.  People, your kid can see you!

Secondly, sex:

Ladies, a one-piece, French-cut bathing suit is not a costume.  Nor do furry ears and fishnet stockings turn you into a cat, dog, bunny, wolverine or dingo.  And that goes double for those little red rayon devil horns.

Likewise Couples!  The Nut ‘n’ Bolt or Plug ‘n’ Socket costumes are totally overdone — unless you’re gay. Then you’re just providing way too much information.

And Gentlemen, exaggerated genitals are just nasty.

In short, remember there’s a noticeable difference between sexy and smut.  If the button-down woman from Accounting comes to the party as Scheherazade – that might be stereotypical, but it’s sexy.  If Roger from sales shows up as the Genie with a magic lamp glued to his crotch, that’s just smut.

And speaking of sexy, Little Bo Peep, Little Red Riding Hood and Little Miss Muffet are not sluts – they’re storybook halloweencharacters.  The operative word here is “little.”  There’s nothing wrong with risque on Hallowe’en, but there are plenty of grown up women to choose from, like Pocahontas, Maid Marian or that scary chick from The Avengers.

Now for some don’ts:

If Mother Nature and Happy Meals™ have made you the Fat Elvis, do not dress up as the skinny Elvis.  That’s just sad.  Go for the sequins — not the leather.  Otherwise, you’ll look like a hyper-extended Italian handbag.  Basically, you need to use that mirror before you prance out of the house on Hallowe’en. Remember, those mouth-open stares are not admiration.

Priests, nuns and the Pope are not costumes – they’re part of a religion.  Honestly, would you go to a Hallowe’en party dressed as a Lutheran or the Archbishop of Canterbury?  If you’re going to make fun of somebody’s faith, pick on the Moslems: they bite back.

Don’t let your kid get carried away.  For example, a ten-year-old in a Lady Gaga extravaganza is beyond inappropriate.  Lay out some ground rules for Jane Jr. or you’re going to end up hating each other when she finally gets to therapy.

Never, never, never, under any circumstances, put a costume on your pet.  That is just mean.  Dogs, cats, ferrets, budgies and, smart as they are, even pot-bellied pigs don’t know it’s Hallowe’en, and they trust you.  Don’t make them look stupid.  (Where the hell is PETA when you need them?)

A word about vampires and zombies:

I don’t care what Anne Rice or what’s-her-name from Twilight says, vampires are not gentle souls.  Nobody should cuddle up with a vampire and watch Dancing with the Stars.  If you do, you deserve everything you get.  Therefore, if you’re going to do vampires this Hallowe’en, put some heft into it: look the part, and a little Euro-trash accent wouldn’t hurt.

Zombie costumes are just sorry.  Everybody and their friend has been doing zombies since HBO discovered them.  If you have so little creativity in your life, grab a sheet and go as Casper. Believe me it’s a lesser cliché.

Some At-Home etiquette:

If kids still come to your door on Halloween, it is never acceptable to give out lame treats.  I don’t care how committed you are to a better society; one night a year, you can lighten up.  For example, do not give out toothbrushes, dental floss or mouthwash.  Organic Free Range oatcakes and that kind of crap are just barely acceptable – but only if you shut up about it.

Likewise, October 31st is the wrong time of the month to start lecturing people on the long and unfortunate history of witches, the evils of 2,000 years of Christianity or the minutiae of Wicca folklore.  You’ve got 364 other nights of the year to be a pain in the ass; choose one!

Halloween1One more thing:

Building is better than buying.  Part of the buzz of Hallowe’en is putting together a costume.  Any fool with a credit card can be Snow White or the Wicked Witch, but it takes real imagination to go as the Apple.

And finally:

Halloween is not carte blanche to be a jerk.  Scaring the bejesus out of your drunken friends is one thing, but pulling that crap on little kids isn’t very nice.  Remember, you’re the adult here.

This is serious, folks.  Hallowe’en is an important event.  Please use some discretion. (Look what happened to St. Valentine’s Day.)

Happy Hallowe’en, everybody!

How to Write a Horror Movie

horror3The last horror movie I paid money to see was The Exorcist in 19 whenever-it-was. I was old enough to know better.  Since then, I’ve lived a full and rewarding life without ever again shelling out coin for cheap adrenaline thrills.  Actually, I’ve had the hell scared out of me for real a couple of times, and I’m in no great hurry to have those feelings artificially induced.  Besides, contemporary horror movies are totally unimaginative.  For the most part, they’re just a series of heart-jolting surprises, stuck together with bursts of exaggerated gore — literally.   Let me show you how it’s done.  Here’s a simple three part program that will help you write your own horror movie, and depending on how ambitious you are, take you to the very gates of Horror Movie Heaven: The Slasher Franchise.  SPOILER ALERT (If you watch Horror Movies for the storyline, stop reading right now.)

First of all, horror movies are driven by the vivid portrayal of a single requisite character: the half-naked young woman.  She is as essential to the horror movie as the horse is to the Western.  If you don’t have at least one girl falling out of what’s left of her clothes, you simply don’t have a horror movie.  Ideally, you need one Alpha female and a couple of expendable best friends (who get butchered early on, to prove the villain/monster/psycho is serious.)  Strangers will do, but it’s better if the skanks know each other.  The Alpha female needs a bit of a personality — perhaps a name or a hair style.  But don’t sweat the details for the rest of the girls; they’re just there to lose their clothes and do some screaming.

You also need a boyfriend (he can be a husband as long as he’s newly-minted.)  The boyfriend/husband is the catalyst that causes all the problems.  He’s the guy who ignores everybody’s advice to get the hell out of there and convinces them all to hang around and get slaughtered.  He comes with his own set of friends, usually a larger, stronger man and an idiot.  The larger, stronger guy gets hacked up somewhere around halftime to prove the villain/monster/psycho can’t be stopped, and the idiot is there for comic relief.  He runs around doing stupid stuff, but nothing much ever happens to him.  Likewise, the boyfriend/husband is rarely killed; however, he must suffer at least one (and sometimes more) debilitating injuries.  This allows the Alpha female to jump up at the last moment and save his dumb ass.

HW-2337Secondly, you have to drop everybody’s IQ by about 50%.  Once again, this is a fundamental feature of the horror movie.  The future corpses have to be dumb as a box of hammers and take an active part in their own demise.  For example, when confronted by a dark, rambling mansion, deserted campsite, scary island or what-have-you, they must do the stupidest thing possible: split up and go exploring.  Together, they could probably protect themselves or possibly even beat the villain/monster/psycho bloody; individually, however, they’re just candidates for a toe tag.  Nor should you let your characters arm themselves with anything more dangerous than a toothbrush.  The villain/monster/psycho should have any number of ingenious hacking/stabbing/slashing weapons available to him, but your folks should never even think of picking up a rock.  Nor should they grab a garden tool, a kitchen knife, a heavy book of poetry or — heaven forbid — in a country as gun crazy as America, a pistol.  There is a willing suspension of disbelief in all movies, but the coffin fodder of horror flics must defy all reasonable logic.  Therefore, they should run headlong down blind alleys; wander aimlessly in dark, creaky hallways, basements and derelict buildings, and never — under any circumstances – bring a flashlight or simply turn on the lights.  In short, they should be stupid enough to get outwitted by sheep.

Third, and least importantly, you need a villain/monster/psycho.  Actually, this guy really doesn’t matter; all he needs to behorror4 is somewhat grotesque, clearly demented and have a steady supply of sharp and/or pointy things to jab into people.  The only important thing to remember is NEVER kill him off at the end of the movie – just in case the studio wants to pick up an option on Freddy Jason Myers, Part II.

So there you have it.  All you need to do is write it up.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  You’re going to need a plot (maybe) scene selection, action and dialogue, but these are just tricks of the trade you can pick up along the way.  Or, you can forget about all that and go buy some old Archie Comics, piece together a couple of their adventures, add a villain/monster/psycho to massacre a few of them, and you’re practically half way to Hollywood.  Oops!  Somebody’s already done that.  Oh well!  Nobody’s going to notice.

A “Real” Top Ten List of One-Liners

top10Apparently, Gyles Brandreth has, after years of research, come up with the 10 Best One-Liners from the Oxford Book of Humourous Quotes.  I beg to differ.  Stick to Scrabble, my friend.  Your quotes are the Tiny Tim of 10 Best Lists.  If your selections were a horse, a good vet would have to shoot it.  Not only didn’t you include Dorothy Parker and Wilson Mizner, but you haven’t even brought the best Mae West, Groucho Marx or Oscar Wilde! However, rather than just carp about it, I’ve decided to produce a Ten Best of my own.  First, Mr. Brandreth’s list.  Then mine.  You be the judge.

10 – “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”  (Jane Austen)

9 – (Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill) “If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!”

Churchill: “And if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

8 – “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” (Groucho Marx)

7 – “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before”  (Mae West)

6 – “To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”  (Oscar Wilde)

5 – “If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.” (P.G. Wodehouse)

4 – “If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”  (Joan Rivers)

3 – “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”  (Miles Kington)

2 – “If you lived in Sheffield and were called Sebastian, you had to learn to run fast at a very early stage.”  (Sebastian Coe)

1 – “The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.”  (Stephen Fry)

Now, in no particular order, I give you, W.D. Fyfe’s Ten Best One-Liners.

I’d agree with you if you were right.

Oh, please!  That man has junior college written all over him.

Gay is not a place; you don’t get an accent.

Every woman wants a sensitive man until the son of a bitch shows up.

Copernicus called: you’re not the centre of the universe.

I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.

The news media interviewing the family after a murder is nothing more than Grief Porn.

Facts are not just a litany of stupidity agreed upon by you and your friends.

You’re so fake even Barbie is jealous.

Swiss cheese is only cheese, now and then.

And honourable mention:

Instead of complaining that you have no shoes, you should look at the man with no feet and steal his.