Category: Social Media

6 People At The Grocery Store (Plus 1)

shopping-cartI’m not a shopper.  I don’t have a philosophical problem with shopping. In fact, I’m a huge fan of our consumer society. It’s just that I’m too many civilized generations removed from The Hunt to appreciate the joy of finding that perfect item — on sale.  This doesn’t mean I don’t shop — I do.  Every week, like my Cro-Magnon ancestors, I go out into the urban wilderness to claim my rightful place in the food chain.  It’s called grocery shopping, and in North America, it’s a mutant hybrid of a scavenger hunt, an obstacle course and a futile battle against stupidity.  Here is just a sampling of the moronic forces arrayed against us every time we venture forth to buy food.

My Real Name Is richard.petty\943 — Even before you get into the store, there are the people who think that, just because they have a video screen in the dash of their car, they can drive as if the parking lot is a RealTime simulation of Nascar Heat 2 from Playstation.

Where Am I? — These are the folks who enter the store and stop dead –as though they’ve just broken the Time/Space continuum and have no idea what dimension they’re in.
“It’s a grocery store.  That stuff on the shelves is food.  You came here on purpose!”

Me Go Here Now — There are the people who have no reasonable sense of direction, nor any concept of organization.  They stop in the middle of the aisle; back up, turn around, start again; think about it, stop, turn, bash into the cart next to them; stop, try again and then nonchalantly head off in the direction they started with.  And even though you get stuck behind these idiots three or four times, when you see them at the checkout, all they have in their cart is a frozen pizza, a package of disposable diapers and two cans of dog food.

Me Stop Here Now — These are the folks who stop their cart sideways in the middle of the aisle, tying up traffic in both directions, while they contemplate the pickles.
“It’s a condiment, for God’s sake — not the Bayonne Tapestry!”

There’s A Reason I’m Lonely — These are the people who ambush you into listening to a long-winded monologue that starts with the price of sugar, goes through the hurricanes in the Caribbean and finally fades away — somewhere between the guy next door who won’t cut his grass and the drug dealer across the street — but only because you quit being polite and just walked away.

OMG!  I Haven’t Seen You Since Tuesday — These are the friends who meet at the congested intersection of Dairy and Frozen Food, or in Produce, or — oh, hell, it doesn’t matter — because they invariably launch into a protracted conversation about how much they loved their vacation, how much they hate their vocation or Henry’s hemorrhoid operation.  You can’t get past them, around them or over them without pulling out a gun.  And on particularly bad days, Henry and his proctologist are standing there, as well.

And finally, just when you think it’s over:

I Forgot You Have To Pay —  These are the people who stoically stand in line at the checkout for twenty minutes; then, when it’s their turn, wait patiently while the cashier beeps every item — until, at the very end, they suddenly realize they’re in the middle of a financial transaction and start fumbling for their money.

The Tide Pod Challenge

eatingI’ve been away from my desk for a couple of weeks, so by the time I became aware of the Tide Pod Challenge, it was over.  No great loss: I’m not a big fan of eating soap!  Luckily, though, I’m still in time to catch all the yipping about what makes “normal” people suddenly go nuts and do stupid things — like eating soap.  According to the pundits, there any number of reasons — ranging from subliminal advertising and our sorry education system to the usual suspect: Donald Trump.  However, the biggest bogeyman, by far, is Social Media, that vague one-size-fits-all villain that does everything but plug toilets and murder people.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah!)

Let me set the record straight.  Like our canine cousins, people run in packs, and they’ve been doing it for at least 100 millennia: long before Mark Zuckerberg figured out that the Internet could be manipulated to meet Harvard girls.  Humans naturally have a group mentality.  Social media didn’t invent that; it just makes it easier.

All you have to do is look at fashion.

There is nothing more useless than the necktie, yet men have been trying to lynch themselves with it for centuries.  Actually, the necktie was born when gunpowder swept the neighbourhood in Europe.  French soldiers tied scarves around their necks so they could use the loose ends to wipe the soot out of their eyes after they fired their muskets.  Everyone loves a man in uniform, so tons of guys (who’d probably never even seen a battlefield) adopted the style to add a little swagger around the ladies.  Apparently, it worked.

I have no personal experience with high heels, but I’ve rubbed enough female feet in my time to know Mother Nature never intended women to elevate themselves this way.  Actually, high heels are nothing more than a celebrity fashion trend that went “viral” — before viral was even a word.  Originally, high heels were worn by men to grip the stirrups on horseback.  Makes sense.  However, rumour has it that Catherine de’ Medici got so tired of stepping out of her carriage into the slime that ran in the streets of 16th century Paris that, one afternoon, she borrowed a pair of her husband, Henry II’s, high-heeled boots.  The Medici girls were uber-trendy before the Kardashians ever thought about it, and high heels have been de rigueur in high society ever since.

And it goes on and on:

In the 1920s, women wrapped their breasts to simulate a flat chest (that’s gotta hurt) and, in the 40s, men wore trousers baggy enough to share with a friend.

A little closer to home, remember the ubiquitous fanny packs?  They were everywhere until we all discovered they were the international symbol for Steal My Stuff.

Crocs!  (I’m not going to say another word because I know most of us have a secret pair stashed away somewhere.)

My point is, wasting time blaming Social Media for people eating soap is as ridiculous as my wife and I cussing out the French every time we have to go to a formal dinner.  Why bother?  So instead of asking ourselves, “Why are so many people eating soap?” we should be seriously looking at why our society produces soap eaters, in the first place.

Our World Is Dying

sandOur world is dying.  No, I don’t mean poached polar bears, floating face down in the flooded streets of Miami — although, if we’re not careful, that could be a possibility.  I’m talking about that world we built back in the 20th century that, for all its mighty flaws, was — uh — comfortable.  Yes, part of this is just old man nostalgia, but even the “tear-it-down/blow-it-up” crowd will admit that, a couple of decades ago, there was a certain certainty about life.  We had a society that was steady, reliable — dull as dishwater — but it made life relatively easy to live.  Unfortunately, a lot of the institutions — and therefore the attitudes — which defined that world are slowly going the way of the dodo.  Some of these are just tiny twitches, but they’re all part of a gathering tsunami that is going to wipe away our world like a foot print on the beach.

Landline Telephones — The biggest change in the cell phone revolution is that, without a heavy receiver in your hand, you can’t slam down the phone in pissed-off frustration anymore.  Touching disconnect just doesn’t cut it!  This pent-up anger has to go somewhere, and I personally think this why young people complain so much.

Bricks and Mortar — Those greedy corporate bastards are closing retail outlets as fast as they can hang the “For Sale” signs.  Why?  Just because I, and millions of other people, haven’t actually been inside a bank, a hardware store, a department store or a book shop for months, or even years.  The problem is those young people who would have (should have?) started their careers as bank tellers, shop clerks and cashiers are now unemployed and have to look for opportunities in such soul-killing professions as HR counselling and IT consulting.  No wonder young people are grouchy all the time!

Regular Redneck Beer — Like coffee and snack food, beer has fallen prey to that most insidious predator of our time — the pompous ass.  Adding blueberries, broccoli or bananas to what is essentially Budweiser, and calling it “craft beer” is bad enough, but pretending “Gimme a beer!” is a culinary event so you can charge an outrageous price for it is just an out-and-out scam.  And people are surprised that young people think the world is screwing them over!

And finally:

Flirting — If you’re a heterosexual male between the ages of 16 and 65, the new rules on flirting are easy — DON’T!  You’re far better off with the Bromance.  Hanging out with your bestie bros provides a safe, non-judgemental environment.  Besides, history has shown us that inter-gender activity can lead to all manner of 20th century nonsense, like art, poetry, laughter, walking on the beach, dancing in the moonlight and even singing in the rain.

It’s a brave new world out there, kids.  Smile!