Category: Social Media

A Few Words About Swearing

swearingIt’s going to snow — again.  When I heard that, I had a few choice words to say about a certain rodent (Groundhog Day was Wednesday) Mother Nature and the poor Weather Girl who looks as if she was harnessed into her clothes (but that’s a different blog.)  I felt better — like — right now, and went about my business.  You see, that’s what swearing does — it makes us feel better.  Unfortunately, like most things the millennials have gotten their mitts on, in the 21st century, swearing is being ruined.

I’m old enough to remember when swearing was an art form, a verbal quest to find words that expressed the primitive soul that lurks inside all of us.  In those days, people generally didn’t swear in polite society.  Swearing was reserved for exasperation, frustration, anger, the end of the argument  – all the most primitive emotions.  People swore when the pudding boiled over, or the neighbour wouldn’t listen to reason, or the cat crapped on the carpet.  Swearing was reserved for those special times when ordinary words just didn’t cover it.  It released the tension, so we didn’t toss the pudding across the kitchen, punch the neighbour or kill the cat.  These words were forbidden, and so, with one broken taboo, we were badasses.  We stood toe-to-toe with life’s evil fortunes and refused to be bullied.  Then it was over.  We metaphorically washed our mouth out with soap and carried on.

Unfortunately, these days swearing is used as punctuation.  In the torrent of conversation, it’s splashed around like ketchup on a redneck’s breakfast.  It literally doesn’t mean anything anymore.  It’s lost its punch.  When you call your best friend a bad bitch on a daily basis, what do you call her when she actually is one?  And that’s why the millennials spend every waking hour offended.  They have no way to release the emotional pressure.  When I trip on the stairs and bang my shins, I release a torrent of invectives on everyone from the person who chose to live on the second floor (me) to the carpenter who built the offending structure.  Millennials can’t do that.  When life comes along and pees in their porridge, they just have to take it.  And it serves them right, the $%()#! bastards!

 

I Love Getting Old — II

time-and-oldI took a little local flak for Tuesday’s (January 24, 2017) post, “I Love Getting Old.”  The general consensus was, “Hey, (descriptive derogatory noun deleted) gettin’ old isn’t all beer and skittles, ya know.”  This is true.  So, in the interests of fair play, here are a few things about getting old that aren’t so nice.

1 — You forget things — a lot of things.  The days of keeping phone numbers, addresses, birthdays, bank accounts and a grocery list in your head are over.  You’re lucky if you can remember why you just walked into the kitchen.  The thing I hate the most about memory loss is you can almost remember stuff — but nope — it ain’t there.  For example, sometimes when you see a familiar face you can’t quite remember how you know that person.  Or sometimes you can conjure the face in your mind but you haven’t got a clue what the name is — and that includes famous people like Albert Einstein or that fat Brit who sang at Diana’s funeral.

2 — Your body betrays you.  This is the worst.  All those little aches and pains that weren’t there yesterday — in places you didn’t even know you had.  But the real problem is you have no idea which ones are Get-Thee-To-A-Hospital-Immediately and which ones are Cowboy-Up-Ya-Wimp.  And that means you’re either going to spend the rest of your days reading out-dated National Geographic magazines at the doctor’s office or die naked in the shower because you didn’t.

3 — Mirrors are the enemy.  It’s not just changing rooms that hate you.  First thing in the morning looks like Night of the Living Dead, and last thing at night looks like you might not make it ’til morning.  Even shop windows on a cloudy day can scare the hell out of you.

4 — Cute.  This is a major problem.  Mother Nature provided us with natural defences against bratty kids and vicious little dogs.  Unfortunately, as you get older, everything under 3 feet tall just looks so damn cute that you spend a lot of time getting bitten on the ankles and putting up with yappy dogs.

5 — It turns out all the TV programs you loved as a kid actually suck.

6 — Modern music all sounds like the Klingon Wedding Song for bassoon, drums and base guitar.

But the very worst thing about getting old is:

7 — You’ve had the misfortune of living long enough to see the Red Sox win the World Series!

2016 — BEGONE!

2016-begoneI know it’s nearly the end of January, and we’re firmly in the grasp of 2017.  I know you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and that bitching about the past is about as effective as a blind man at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.  And I know I’m not the only one fed up with hearing what an Anno Horribilis 2016 was.  BUT, 2016 was an Anno Horribilis  — a great big bad anno horribilis — and, dead horse or no, I’m not done kicking it.  Here are a few things that came out of 2016 that  I want to see shot in the head and buried in the backyard.

Pumpkin Spice — Way back in the day, when it was a once-a-year Starbuck’s flavour, pumpkin spice was cool.  Then it became the new Nutella, and now it’s everywhere like the culinary equivalent of The Walking Dead.

Water bottle flip — First of all, why is everybody carrying a water bottle as if they live on a dirt ranch in Death Valley?  And secondly, who did this flip thing the first time and thought it was an accomplishment?

Finger/mouth Selfies — The Duckface selfie might not have killed it, but the war continues as grown women are taking pictures of themselves sticking their fingers in their mouths like petulant children in a massive effort to destroy sexy forever.

Snapchat filters — When you were 12? … maybe.

Pokemon GO — Actually, I would have liked to see this one hang around for a while.

Mannequin Challenge — Unlike that cold water thing from 2014, nobody benefits from a bunch of folks standing around pretending they have a stick up their ass.

Gourmet Toast — Oh, for God’s sake! It’s called leftover pizza, and it’s been around for years.

Hipster Food Presentation — Serving food in a jar, wrapped in burlap or on the hubcaps of a ’64 Ford is a good way to ruin a meal — and an appetite — at the same time.

Zucchini Noodles — Some things are just wrong.

Chokers – A 19th century fashion statement that swept the neighbourhood in the 1990s.  Now, it’s back, and whiplash has become fashionable again.

Ripped Jeans — Another throwback fashion.  I can’t wait to see what happens when these millionaire celebrities finally realize their designer jeans are being ripped by children in the sweatshops of Bangladesh.  There’s some irony there.

Old Testament Beards on Athletes — I’m surprised more defensive linemen don’t just grab a handful and pull.

And finally:

Politics — I and 7 billion other people on this planet are so totally pissed off with the infantile “I did not/you did so” brand of discourse from 2016 that we never want to hear this bullshit again.  So, everybody, just shut up and let’s get on with it!