The War On Skinny Jeans

skinny jeansThe attack headlines read, “Skinny Jeans May Cause Health Problems.”  Read about it here.  Puh-leeze!  This kind of fear mongering is not helping to advance the conversation we need to have about women’s clothing.  There are, however, several fashionista groups who continue to speak out and fight back.  Here are a few completely unprompted, absolutely spurious examples.

This is a direct attack on American values.  When you think about it, wearing skinny jeans honours the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice to defend our right to wear tight clothes.  If we give in to this kind of terrorism, pretty soon we’ll all be wearing those loose-fitting burka things.
Meghan — Plumbottom, Wisconsin

I’m offended that the media continues to use the demeaning word “skinny.”  It’s encouraging to see that Walmart, eBay, Amazon and Google have changed their policies and are now using the more sensitive “slim-fit.”  However, more work needs to be done to educate the public about just how hurtful the “S-word” can be to women of slenderness.
Glenda — University of Donner Mountain, California

Historically, women’s fashions have always come under fire.  Way back in the 60s, women made a show of burning their bras in a misguided attempt at equality and research shows us that there were isolated anti-corset groups in the 19th century.  I’m certain this “skinny” thing will blow over and the ladies will get back to wearing attractive clothing again.
Dr. Trim Seekprey — Nobel Laureate

This is a nefarious attack on women by George W. Bush.  It’s a known fact that Dick Cheney sits on the Board of Directors of several multi-national yoga pants manufacturers who are taking advantage of this “so-called” health scare to sell yoga pants.  I’m disgusted that we live in a world that puts corporate greed and profits ahead of fashion.
Ruston Bland — ex-comedian

Our 12-year-old daughter was the victim of “skinny jean shaming” on Social Media.  Her father and I were so proud of her fashion choices until she came home from school in tears.  We contacted the principal and were informed there was nothing the school could do.  Apparently, posting an inflammatory news story on a child’s Facebook page is not considered a hate crime.  Ridiculous!  We need to regulate the Internet to protect vulnerable children from cyber-bullying.
Cary and Ann Umbridge — concerned parents #skinnyshame

There’s no scientific proof that “skinny” jeans have any effect on a woman’s body.  The measurable but insignificant changes in temperature and blood pressure should be attributed to a woman’s natural menstrual cycle.  No further research is necessary.
Report of the Strauss Scientific Group — San Francisco, California

In a time devastated by Third World poverty, disease and starvation, it’s easy for First World problems to fall through the cracks.  That doesn’t mean they’re any less serious.  We need to open a “slim-fit” dialogue that engages this issue honestly.  This is clearly about the human right to choose apparel that reflects how we identify ourselves within the entire human spectrum.  Awareness and tolerance can only be achieved if we silence those negative voices who are driving the agenda.
ThinksMart Activist Collective — Chicago

If you dig a little deeper you’ll find that there have been some major corporate contributions to the hospital where that woman was treated.  Plus, there’s a video on YouTube showing a woman, who is clearly Australian, walking into the hospital unaided.  Furthermore, one anonymous source says the only woman given intravenous drip that day was wearing Levi 505s.  Is it merely a coincidence that the hospital still refuses to identify her?  What do they have to hide?
DreadAxe War Anthem — Blogger

If “skinnies” are good enough for The Royals, they’re bloody good enough for me.
Denwin Yelbladder — Yobmouth, England

The Road To Hell

hellThe problem with life is bad decisions almost always make the best stories.  This is a fact that nobody feels all that comfortable with.  For example, the difference between “We made some tea and watched Gentleman’s Agreement on Netflix” and “We decided to open another bottle of wine” is massive.  One story ends with “We brushed our teeth and went to bed,’ and the other one gets lost somewhere around “After Tom passed out, we painted his ass orange and locked him in a row of grocery carts.”  See what I mean?

Both stories are actually true, BTW.  Obviously, nobody remembers the first one — like — who cares?  However, the second one is the stuff of legend.  It’s the kind of tale we tell at dinner parties.  It’s the one that is our public face.  The one that defines us as interesting.  And we all want to be interesting.

It’s not difficult to recognize the road to salvation.  It generally runs through tea, Netflix and conscientious oral hygiene.  However, the other road — the road to Hell — is paved.   It’s lined with ice cream and alcohol, pretty girls and naughty boys.  It has hundreds of distracted side streets, secluded alleys and boisterous cafes, but never any toilets — anywhere.  It’s the perfect sexual moment interrupted by somebody’s mother, the wild ride to the wrong funeral and the sun-scorched nap on a topless beach.  In fact, the road to Hell is limited only by our innate ability to make mistakes.

Yet it is the road to Hell that protects us from being just another frump on the trudge to the grave.  It gives our lives curves, dents,  depth and colour and lifts us above the relentless bureaucracy of everyday living.  And although the road to Hell doesn’t give life any true meaning, our adventures on it tell the world we showed up and got in the game.  And when we are old and gray and full of sleep, nodding by the fire, it’s the road to Hell we’ll remember, not the dental floss.

The trick is striking a balance between collecting enough uber-cool life stories to wow them in the Old Folks’ Home and staying out of jail.  (I’m still surprised Tom didn’t just call the cops!)

The Sounds Of Silence

uniformDespite the many hours we spend thumb pumping our phones like half-starved Rhesus monkeys, most human communication is nonverbal.  It runs from the universally recognized one and two fingered gestures that signal the end of an argument to the more subtle, eye roll that indicate open-ended ennui in teenagers.  But the way we walk, or stand or move our hands all say something about us, something that reaches into our primeval need to communicate. Here in the oh-so-sophisticated 21st century, we even use clothing, behaviour and appearance to “speak” to each other.  For example:

Driving a noisy black motor vehicle — means — I’m worried about my penis.

Driving a minivan with a stick figure family in the back window — means — I haven’t had sex since last March.

Driving anything with a bumper sticker — You need to know I think about things.

Dreadlocks on a white guy — Ha, ha, ha!  My grandparents left me a trust fund.

At least 3 tattoos (female) — I watch the Discovery Channel, so I’m spiritual.

At least 3 tattoos (male) — I have lots of disposable middle class income.

More than 3 tattoos (any gender) — Look at me!  Look at me!  LOOK AT ME!

Socks and sandals — I am a tourist.  Steal my stuff.

A low cut neckline and/or a push-up bra — These are my breasts … I will scold you if you notice them.

Bow tie — I’m actually cool … on the inside.

Hoodies — I might live in the suburbs and work at Home Depot, but I’m really a badass.

Hoodies (after age 30) — Uh … That’s just sad.

Shaved head — I’ll bet they’ll never guess I’m going bald.

Long, wiry grey hair (ponytail) — I have 283 Friends on Facebook.

Tight denim short shorts — Would you care to look at my bum today?

Cargo pants (shorts) — I wish I could carry a purse.

Full (Old Testament) beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

Short, trimmed beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

3 piece suit — I wish I were British.

Knitted cowl — I wish I were French.

Bulky black sweater — I wish someone would take me seriously.

Mom jeans — I’ve have two kids.  I’d like to see you under similar circumstances, bitch!

Torn jeans — I spend a lot of money on clothes … a lot of money!

Sunglasses — When you’re totally cool, it’s always a sunny day.

Yoga pants — For the love of God, we need to do something about those things!