Category: Social Media

Abnormal Bleeding: Think About It!

Word to the WiseOne of the reasons our society is going to Hell in a handcart is we have no idea what we’re saying anymore.  We’re screwing up the beauty of the English language so badly it’s a wonder it doesn’t ask us for a divorce.

“I’m fed up with you treating me like gibberish.  Get out!  And I’m taking custody of all the words.”

This isn’t just a minor misunderstanding over a few stupid things like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence.  This is serious.  There are some irreconcilable differences between us and the language we love.  Here are a few examples:

one day at a time – Think about this.  That’s the way they come.  Announcing to the world that you’re taking things “one day at a time” violates Einstein’s 3rd Law of You’re a Dumb Ass.  Are there people in this world who take things TWO days at a time?

bad luck – If your luck is bad, by definition, it isn’t luck anymore.  Finding a bag of money is lucky.  Getting hit by a car as you pick it up is not a different kind of luck.  Luck does not come in alternative forms.  You’re lucky or…

sex addict – There is no such thing.  We’re genetically programmed to want sex; that’s why there are more than 7 billion of us crawling around this planet.  Mother Nature gave us sexual desire so we would thrive as a species and have fun doing it.  Jerks like Tiger Woods are just trying to weasel (no offence, weasels) out of bad marital problems, and they think people believe this “sex addict” crap.

homophobia – First of all, a “phobia” or abnormal fear of gay people is not an illness.  Lifestyle or pharmaceuticals aren’t going to make you better.  Secondly, if homophobes think in stereotypes, what are they afraid of:  Nice shoes?  Designer dogs?  Square dancing?  Here’s the deal: homophobes don’t have a psychological disorder; they’re assholes.

fresh raisins – We need to remember raisins started out as grapes — a long time ago.

suicide bomber – The person with the bomb might very well be committing suicide, but the rest of the folks within shrapnel range simply aren’t.  The last time I looked, suicide was not an involuntary activity.  If you’re standing around waiting for a bus and suddenly you get your insides blown out, suicide has nothing to do with it: you’ve just been murdered.

And the list goes on from “light pollution” to “crash landing” (let that one sink in!) and if we don’t fix it soon, we might just as well jabber away at each other in Emoticons.

Word to the Wise 1

Fashion: What The Hell Happened?

models

Paris Fashion Week is two weeks over and the supermodels have scattered to the various All-You-Can-Eat breadstick bistros to fuel up for the next round — so it’s safe to ask a few rhetorical questions.

When did fashion models get so angry?
Back in the day, models were pouty, sulky, sullen and even vague (who wouldn’t be, on a diet of coffee and cigarettes?) and we liked them that way.  Oddly enough, disinterested crack addict used to be considered sexy.  These days, they all look like they’re grinding their teeth and just praying for an opportunity to jump down off the runway and kick the bejesus out of somebody.  They’re like a really skinny motorcycle gang.  The last time the world saw this much pent-up hostility, Hitler invaded Poland.

Who wears those clothes?
I’m not talking about size nothing VS real women of the world — unrealistic body image expectations have been done to death.  I’m talking about a woman’s inalienable right to sit down.  Harnessed into some of that industrial-strength crap, it’s a wonder they can even blink their eyes.

Is there something schizophrenically wrong with a society which is totally obsessed with breasts but demands its professional clotheshorses don’t have any?
No doubt, and there’s probably years of therapy involved in there somewhere.

Why is Haute Couture synonymous with hideous?
I’m from an age when Oscar, Yves and Coco actually liked women.  They made clothes for them that looked nice, that fit, and, for the most part, were wearable to weddings, funerals, birthdays and other social occasions.  I have no idea where or when women actually wear the rag bags they’re sewing up these days.  Exorcisms?  Barbie has a better wardrobe, for God’s sake!

Why are fashion commentators so damn bitchy? [Oops!]
It was Richard Blackwell and his Worst Dressed List that started this trend sometime in the last century, and Joan Rivers turned it into an art form.  They both made mountains of money and now everybody’s doing it.  But it’s been more than 50 years, folks.  Could we move on?

And finally, why does a heterosexual, grey haired old guy like me even care?
Gimme a break! Fashion Week is fun.

Celebrities: Gone and Forgotten

musician-664432_1280Have you ever wondered what happens to flash-in-the pan celebs?  You know the ones.  They’re all over the media for what seems like forever, and then, one morning you wake up and they’re either dragging their ass through some second-rate reality TV program or they’ve pulled a total Houdini and are off the radar entirely.  Where do they go?

The poster boy for this phenom is, of course, Macaulay Culkin.  In the early 90s, you simply couldn’t get away from the little brat.  Then suddenly, mid-decade, he disappeared.  Personally, I think puberty caught up with him and, since faux precocious was his only talent, he was out of a job.  In 2005, he resurfaced to explain a series of close encounters with Michael Jackson; in 2006 he wrote a book nobody’s bought, read or heard of; and in 2013, he ate a pizza.  That’s pretty much it.

I’ll bet if I said Nayda Suleman you’d have no idea who I was talking about.  Surprise!  It’s Octomom, that baby-making machine of 2009.  Since pumping out more than half a basketball team, six years ago, Suleman the Magnificent has gone on to do all the usual mom stuff: bitch about the kids, declare bankruptcy, go on Welfare, deny it, admit it, go on Oprah (twice) make a porno movie, deny it, admit it and check herself into Rehab.  Makes most new moms look downright lazy, don’t it?  Frankly, Octomom didn’t disappear so much as wear out her welcome.  But the weird thing is, in this entire media storm, nobody ever mentioned Octodad.

I don’t know where Crocs have gone, and, honestly, I don’t care.

Like Cinderella, Monica Lewinsky parlayed a simple party dress into an entire career.  Although the jury’s still out on whether Ms Lewinsky is enjoying her happily-ever-after, or not.  Ever since she and President Bill were inappropriate together, Monica has played an elaborate game of hide-and-seek with the media, popping up at odd times to remind people how terrible it is to be a pop culture celeb.  America’s Favorite Kiss-and-Tell has also made a ton of money.  (One million dollars from Barbara Walters, alone!)  These days, she’s involved in TED Talks…. (TED Talks?  Man, have those people gone downhill!)

Back in 2010/2011, Julian Assange was the bad boy of the week, WikiLeaks was the cause de jour and governments were getting in line to prosecute the guy.  Pretty good for an Australian whose only talent is sneaky.  They even made a movie about him: The Fifth Estate (which, BTW, was so godawful even The Cumberbatch couldn’t save.)  But what a difference a year makes!  Rather than face the music, when the lawyers started circling, Assange (just like that smarmy tattletale from high school) ran for cover behind the legal gates of the Ecuadorian Embassy.  Wait a minute!  The champion of free speech is hiding WHERE?  Anyway, despite the irony, he’s been there ever since.

Unless you’ve been living on Neptune, you’ve heard of Psy.  In 2012, he came storming out of South Korea and Gangnam Style became Asia’s most contagious export since the Black Plague.  It was the first video to exceed a billion hits on YouTube, and Psy generated so much media power he was able to bring MC Hammer back from the dead.  What’s he doing now?  No idea, but chances are good he’s spending a lot of time chillin with Right Said Fred, Bobby McFerrin and the Starlight Vocal Band at the One-Hit-Wonder Retirement Centre.

Nothing prepared the world for Paris Hilton.  She wasn’t the first celeb to become famous for being famous, but she certainly was the skankiest.  In 2003, when she “accidently” released a sex tape on the Internet to promote her TV show The Simple Life the media practically wet its pants.  From then on, the paparazzi have followed Paris like French pigs hunting truffles.  Not bad for a woman who has one expression — vapid.  Finally outnumbered by the Kardashians, she was kicked to the curb in 2007 and has remained there ever since, although she was recently spotted in Vegas faking orgasms for a dollar a toss at Thunder From Down Under.

How the mighty have fallen!