Category: Social Media

Chinese New Year — Bitter and Twisted

Happy Chinese New Year!  With that in mind, here is a reissue of the 12 Years of the Chinese Calendar (if they were honest!)  See if you can recognize any of your friends.

zodiac1 Monkey – 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You are a yappy waste of space who’s fascinated by your own feces.  You think people like you, but they’re actually laughing at you behind your back.  You look ridiculous half the time.

Rooster – 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
You’re an arrogant know-it-all, strutting around, giving everybody the benefit of your opinion.  Actually, you’ve never said anything of value and just keep repeating  yourself — over and over and over.  Even your friends want to choke the life out of you.

Dog -1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
You are the world’s biggest suck.  It’s truly embarrassing to watch just how much ass-kissing you’re capable of.

Pig – 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
You’re forever reminding people how smart you are to cover up your disgusting behaviour and atrocious table manners.  Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) wants to sleep with you — ever.  For God sake, use some deodorant!

Rat -1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You are a cunning and devious little bastard who’s constantly plotting against your friends.  Most people don’t like you, and even people who don’t know you think you’re an asshole.

Ox – 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You are incredibly stupid and everybody takes advantage of you.  You’re going to end up with a shit job and no social life because you’re so boring nobody wants to be around you.

Tiger -1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
What a bully!  You think you’re tough, but all you really are is sneaky.  Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size, ya loser?

Rabbit -1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
You are promiscuous to a fault, without the smarts to be a whore.  You think you’re cute, but you’re just a pumped up little weasel who’ll screw anything with a pulse.

Dragon -1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
You’re a total egomania, but most people don’t even know you exist.  The ones who do think you’re a blowhard and avoid you whenever possible.  You’ll probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Snake -1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
You’re a smarmy, two-faced liar who would sell your own grandmother if you thought there was any profit in it.  People throw stones at you and chase you with sticks.

Horse -1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
You’re a petty little masochist who loves having your ass whipped.  You’re always getting scammed into doing all the work and letting others take the credit for it.  You think this is noble, but it’s just pathetic.

Sheep -1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
You’re such  a complete pussy even little kids push you around.  You have no ambition in life and spend all your time hanging out with other people just as useless as you are.  Your idea of a good time is a haircut.

Gong Hey Fat Choy

Yes, We Have No Vaginas!

monologueA couple of months ago, the students at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts decided to cancel the annual VDay performance of The Vagina Monologues.  Apparently, the play is now verboten because it excludes women who do not actually have a vagina.  Thus, in one mighty heave, a venerable old warrior of the feminist revolution was relegated to the scrap heap of history.  “Clear off, sister!  And don’t let the door hit you in the….”

My interest in this is purely intellectual.  After all, I’m not exactly equipped to speak with any authority on the subject.  However,  four glaring questions immediately come to mind:
1 — Did Eve Ensler ever present her drama as the all-inclusive, one-size-fits-all, final statement on the feminine experience?  I don’t think Ms. Ensler can be accused of excluding anyone when, unlike the undergrads at Mount Holyoke, she  never claimed to speak for the approximately 3.5 billion women in the world.
2 — Of the approximately 3.5 billion women in the world, how many:
a – are vagina-less?
b – feel excluded whenever  there’s a performance of The Vagina Monologues?
c – will reap any benefit from Mount Holyoke College’s noble gesture?
3 — Are all vagina-less women oppressed, downtrodden, discriminated against and excluded?  In fact, in the course of human events, how often does the problem even come up?  Personally, I’ve never seen a sign in a restaurant window that reads:

NO shoes
NO shirt
NO vagina
NO service

Nor have I ever seen  the question, “Do you have a vagina?” on any employment, rental or bank loan application.  In fact, of the billions of people walking around this planet, how do the would-be oppressors and discriminators even tell who has a vagina and who doesn’t?  Seriously, how can you possibly exclude an identifiable group when you can’t actually identify them?

And, finally,  4 — It takes a lotta balls for students at a $55,000.00/year WOMEN ONLY college to lecture the rest of us on the evils of being exclusive.

50 Shades of Mom Porn

grey1What brings a blogger out of retirement?  50 Shades of Grey, of course!  I’m just glad I lived long enough to witness Cineplex’s final capitulation to Mom Porn.  Mom Porn, for the uninitiated, is the Romantic Comedy all grown up.  It’s driven by aging fangirls who were utterly astounded to discover Prince Charming came with a penis.  Uncomfortable with the unpredictability of this male appendage (it’s forever pushing its way into sunsets, starry nights, rainy days and cuddles) they decided to sanitize it out of existence.  Thus, the raw erotic power of Count Dracula became the brooding sensitivity of Edward Cullen.  However, since Eddie never actually did anything more than hint at his insatiable desires, there was a throbbing need to “take the relationship to the next level.”  Enter Christian Grey and the Victorian erotic cliché:
— underneath that stylish three-piece suit, all men are unfathomable brutes who think with their dicks
— women are unaware (read innocent or unconscious)of their own sexuality and need instruction to unleash their inner vixen
— and finally, sex is “naughty”

Thus, in the uninhibited 21st Century, we have come full circle to join hands with our Victorian ancestors.  Although we boast wall-to-wall gratuitous HBO boobs, the juvenile practice of twerking  and song lyrics that would make de Sade blush, sex has once again become just a little bit smutty.  And now it’s gone from the titillating wardrobe malfunction and the infantile “nip slip” to occupy centre stage at the suburban multiplex.

I’m certain, there are still people out there who understand that sex is at once a powerful, vulnerable, funny, serious, messy, rejuvenating, confounding, uncontrollably intimate act of physical poetry that is the ultimate connection between our minds, our emotions and our souls.  Unfortunately, these people are, as of this Valentine’s Day (ironic isn’t it?) being marginalized by the thunderous mainstream who are ponying up big bucks to voyeur the sterilized antics of Christian and Ana.  Profits trump poetry, folks, so expect more of the same.

Mom Porn is the new black.  Get used to it.