Category: Society

Rural – Urban – Suburban

In my lifetime, our world has changed dramatically.  We’ve gone from being a rural society to being an urban one.  For years, people have been leaving the countryside for the cities; while, at the same time, people in the city have been fleeing to the suburbs.  And this double migration is still going on.  So if you’re thinking of relocating, here are a few things you might want to consider before you make your move.  (Full disclosure: I have never lived anywhere but a large urban centre, so some of this is guesswork.  And if you’re proud of where you live and I’ve dissed it – please — before you send me that email questioning my knowledge, my ancestry and my sanity, remember this is satire!)  Enjoy!

Safety

Rural – You don’t lock your door because nobody in their right mind would wanna steal your pitiful pile of junk.

Suburban – You lock your door but keep a spare key under a flower pot, and the security camera tells you which neighbor kid found it and robbed you.

Urban – You have two locks, a deadbolt, an iron bar and a safety chain– but you’ve been robbed so many times you just close the door and hope for the best.

Neighbours

Rural – You know all your neighbours, but they’re so far away you can walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t find you until the coyotes were chewing your bones.

Suburban – You know all your neighbours, and they’re so close if you walked out of your front door naked with a knife in your back, you’d be on YouTube before you got to the street.

Urban – You don’t know any of your neighbours, so you could walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t even bother calling the cops.

Pets

Rural – You have a couple of dogs, a house cat, a barn cat, a stray cat, another cat, two horses, chickens, a rooster, something that lives under the porch and a goat — and every one of them eats enough to bankrupt Bill Gates.

Suburban – You have a dog that poops all over the lawn, the kids have a hamster that smells and you still haven’t thrown out the 4 bags of kitty litter you bought for the cat that ran away.

Urban – You had a fish but it died, so you put a cactus in the bowl, and now you just throw bits of pizza down to the rats in the alley.

Warm Summer Nights

Rural – You just want five minutes to peel off your soggy underwear when Eddie and Fran show up with a load of fresh pig manure that needs to be spread before dark.

Suburban – You finally just say “Screw it!” and turn the A/C to a human temperature so you can watch Netflix in your underwear until you fall asleep on the sofa.

Urban – You hang out in an air-conditioned bar with a bunch of losers because your apartment is a sauna and you refuse to spend the evening sitting out on the fire escape in your underwear like some peasant.

Waking up on the weekend

Rural – One of these days, you’re going to throttle that &$#?% rooster.

Suburban – Every asshole in history is out there, mowing his lawn at 7:00 A.M.

Urban – Sirens and the occasional gunshot.

Transportation

Rural – You have a truck that’s held together with duct tape, Bondo, binder twine and rust — and looks like a refugee from a Demolition Derby.

Suburban – You have two vehicles and three car payments because you’re still paying for that stupid PT Cruiser you bought two minivans ago.

Urban – There was a dead guy on the subway last Thursday.

Exercise

Rural – Exercise?  You work your ass off every day and need exercise like the Titanic needed another iceberg.

Suburban – You have a set of weights and a treadmill gathering dust in the garage.  You’re thinking about buying a Bowflex and you swear to God, this year, you’re going to go back to yoga.

Urban – You have a gym membership, but you haven’t been there since January — 4 years ago.

But in the end, we’re all the same.

Shopping

Rural – There are two stores in town, but their selection is so crappy that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.

Suburban – You have 2 malls, a giant discount store, a Walmart, a Home Depot, a Costco and an Ikea within a five mile radius, but it’s such a pain in the ass to drive there, find a parking space, wander around the aisles for hours and stand in line waiting to pay that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.

Urban – You have tons of cool designer shops within walking distance, but they’re so damn expensive that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.

Just The Facts! 2021

Back in the day, we had something called facts.  They were amazing little immutable things that helped us figure out what was actually going on in the world.  They separated the truth from the bullshit and gave us an anchor on reality.  Those days are gone.  In the 21st century, facts are an endangered species.  We kinda prefer spin to the truth.  After all, it’s a lot easier to simply accept ideas than spend valuable Netflix time thinking about them.  Unfortunately, we’ve gotten to the point where we’re putting so much spin on the truth that even Meghan Markle’s getting dizzy.  But don’t despair.  Facts still exist, although they’re surprisingly hard to find.  Here are a few I’ve managed to ferret out.

The first birthday present you were ever given is your name.

If you’re trying to fall asleep, you have to pretend you’re asleep first – and sneak up on it.

More Americans have had sex with Taylor Swift than have died of Ebola.

You can’t burn anything twice.

Humans can’t actually “bite down” on anything.  The jaw is hinged the other way.  In order to move your top teeth down you have to move your whole head.  Try it!

(You just tried it, didn’t you?)

You can’t keep your eyes open when you sneeze unless you consciously decide you’re going to keep your eyes open when you sneeze — before you do it.

Somebody on this planet has eaten more kale than anybody else and should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

If you say something is “indescribable,” you have, in fact, described it.

The make-believe CGI streetlights in video games are actually using electricity so you can see them.

There is only one possible way that the original moon landing was fake:  if it wasn’t filmed on location.

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.  Face it, folks!  It’s just sex.

And finally, one philosophical little gem:

For the rest of your life, you’re never going to be as young as you are at this exact moment.

Random Thoughts – This Week

Today, I’m here — clinging to a dead horse.  I swore, by all that’s holy, I was going to let it go, but I just can’t resist one more kick at the can.  (And, truth be told, it probably won’t be the last one, either.)  So here are a couple of random thoughts about the 3-ring circus our world has recently gotten itself into.

“Hey!  Pepe Le Pew!  No means no!  You deserve to get “cancelled,” ya smelly bugger!  And don’t think you can play the sex addict card either: that isn’t even a real thing.  You’re giving Frenchmen all over the world a bad name with your stupid beret and your phony Charles Boyer accent.  You’re just lucky that little cat doesn’t know the Roadrunner.  You wouldn’t be quite so frisky with an Acme anvil dropped on your ass.  Get some help, ya perv!”

On a more serious note.  Now that the book burners are lighting the torches again, maybe it’s time we pulled Ray Bradbury out of the hat.  After all, he warned us this would happen — back in 1953 (at the height of the McCarthy era witch hunts, BTW) when he wrote Fahrenheit 451.  But he also offered a solution.  In his novel, when the world goes crazy and starts banning burning books, the Resistance realizes the futility of talking sense to these nutbars and simply hides the books they’re trying to ban burn.  Then they secretly memorize them so they can’t/won’t be destroyed by the flames of ignorance.  Cool idea, huh?  So, if you or your child have a favourite book, jump up right now, and hide it!  And here’s the good bit: Dr. Seuss books are really easy to memorize.  I’ve already done Green Eggs and Ham – just in case the vegans start cutting up rough.

Finally, when I see the protestors on the streets in Belarus, Myanmar and Poland, my thoughts go to the bravery of Meghan Markle.  She, too, found herself in peril when she and her family were forced to flee – uh – Canada.  “It’s not safe; it’s not secure” was what Harry told Oprah Winfrey.  One can only imagine the panic the two of them (and little Archie) must have felt, trapped in a country as dangerous as – uh – Canada.  Frankly, I didn’t realize my country was so unsafe (We use “Sorry!” as a personal greeting here) but it must be quite the hellhole if the mean streets of Los Angeles look good in comparison.  Luckily, they somehow managed to get to a private jet and escape before tragedy struck, but it must have been an emotional ordeal. 

On a more personal note — and just to set the record straight — it was the Canadian taxpayer (people like moi) who paid the bill for your security in Canada before you told the Queen to take a hike, Ms. Windsor-Mountbatten.  A thankyou would have been nice.

See ya next week!