9 Bold Predictions (Plus 1)

futurePredicting the future is like explaining the past — you’re going to get an argument from somebody.  However, when was the last time I was afraid of a verbal bare-knuckles?  So here are some bold predictions for the not-so-distant future.

America — The long-anticipated demise of the USA will, once again, be greatly exaggerated.  America may have hit a serious bump called Trump, but remember that Amazon, Google, Facebook, Visa, Mastercard, Disney and Walmart are all American companies.  Plus, even the most detailed economic indicators don’t mention that, while that t-shirt, sold around the world, might be “Made in China,” the logo on the front is the Los Angeles Lakers, and the licensing money for that is going back to California.

China — China’s economic dominance will be short-lived — if it happens at all.  China is betting against history, which tells us two things.  One: if you give the middle class economic power but deny them the political power to protect their newfound money, you’re just asking for trouble.  And two: if you create an uber upper class that’s conspicuously wealthy, eventually the Have-nots are going to say WTF? and demand a bigger slice of the pie — by force, if necessary. (China is on the verge of satisfying both these conditions.)

Unemployment — Eventually, we’re going to realize that we don’t actually need all these lawyers, consultants, administrators, HR, PR, IT and WXYZ people, taking up space in government and industry.  In fact, we’d all be better off if they just left their make-work jobs and went home.  The problem is what’s our society going to do with a boatload of over-educated people, sitting around playing video games?

Stupid Vacation Pictures — Unfortunately, tourists are still going to act like jackasses at the Tower of Pisa, The Great Wall, the Venus de Milo and every other “must-see” with a website.  The only way around this is a universal ban on selfie sticks.  (Where’s the United Nations when you need them?)

Secrets — As ordinary people continue to give away their privacy with both hands, secrets will become a commodity only the very rich can afford.

English — Despite North America’s Politically Correct culture doing its best to tear the guts out of the English language, it will become the lingua  franca of the 21st century.  (FYI, twice as many people in Asia are learning English than speak it in the USA!)

Money — Folding money is rapidly going out of style. Eventually, the only people who will use it regularly will be international drug dealers and local bake sale charities.  A couple of years ago, I saw Girl Guides selling cookies with credit card readers on their telephones.  Think about it!

Bitcoins — Bitcoins are crap!  Remember what happened to tulips!

Zombies And Englishmen — Ever since social justice warriors made every identifiable group (except middle-class white males) an oppressed minority, it’s been impossible for Hollywood to find a villain who doesn’t come equipped with an angry Twitter mob.  So, for the foreseeable future, only Zombies and Englishmen will be acceptable as the bad guys in the movies and on TV.

And finally:

Energy Is Not Going Be A Problem — Right now, in most industrialized countries, people pay more for a cup of Starbucks coffee than they do for a litre of gasoline.  Check it out!  So, as long as fossil fuels remain relatively cheap, oil-producing countries are going to have the rest of us by the shorthairs.  Fortunately, though, a lot of us are getting sick and tired of sucking up to these people, and we’re starting to produce our own energy.  (NB! As you read this, the Netherlands is using wind power to drive all their trains.)  Obviously, as more and more people do this, the world will become a cleaner, happier place — and the Middle East will go back to being a gigantic, unhappy sandbox.

Stuff They Should Teach In School

classroomWhen I was a kid, I loved school.  I thought it was an absolutely excellent way to spend my time. (Full disclosure — I had a little trouble as a teenager when sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll swept the neighbourhood, but for the most part, I was the guy teachers loved.)  I pursued knowledge for its own sake.  I was interested in everything from Pythagoras and that theory I don’t remember to who did what to who (whom?) in the War of the Roses.  Like some cloistered monk, I devoured  the ancient scrolls of my people, and for twelve wonderful years, I was a happy camper.  Then I left home and went to university.

WTF?

Within a week, I discovered just how stupid I really was.  Yeah, yeah, yeah — my parents had taught me the basics: I wasn’t going to starve to death or give all my money to a Nigerian prince.  But there are tons of things in life everybody should know — and solving quadratic equations isn’t one of them.  Here are a few things they should actually teach you in school.

Income Tax — Everybody pays income tax; it’s totally important.  People go to jail if they mess it up.  Plus, it’s one of the most complicated things in the universe.  For example, I know for a fact most NASA scientists don’t do their own income tax.  There should be a class (every year) dedicated to filling out your income tax, and it should be mandatory.  When I was in school, we spent more time trying to figure out what Jane Austen was doing with Mr. Darcy than we did income tax.

Negotiation — Nothing happens in this life without negotiation —  nothing!  Yet the closest most schools get to teaching negotiation skills is the Debating Club — made up of kids who aren’t nerdy enough to get into the U.N. Club.

Communication — The simple art of making sense.  Teach that and most of us could at least get decent answers to our questions.

Time Management — This is one of those skills you’re supposed to learn in school by — I don’t know — osmosis, I guess.  It’s not as if anybody explains how to do it.  They just assign homework, a couple of essays, a term project and expect you figure it out for yourself.  Clearly, this method doesn’t work — or there wouldn’t be any need the famous “last minute” we’re all so fond of.

Shopping — There is a huge difference between paying too much for something and getting a shoddy product for half the price.  Schools should stop worrying about the guy who had a dollar and bought 18 oranges for 6 cents apiece and then sold 3 of them for 9 cents, 2 of them for 11 cents and 1 more for 7 cents.  Nobody cares how much money or how many oranges he has left.  We have telephones that can figure that out.  What people need to learn is how to find a good orange at a decent price.

And finally, in the same vein:

How to find a good doctor, dentist, lawyer, plumber, accountant, car mechanic, etc.
Eventually, everybody needs professional help, but good luck trying to find it without getting totally screwed.  There should be a class (or even a semester) on how to tell the shysters from the swindlers, why you should never trust the person with the lowest price and what to do when you discover the $200.00-an-hour “certified” mechanic working on your car is the same kid who delivered your pizza last night.

The True Meaning Of Halloween

halloweenNobody’s afraid of the dark; we’re afraid of what’s in the dark.  It’s a primitive instinct that goes back to a time when getting eaten alive was part of the human experience.  We are all naturally apprehensive about what we can’t see coming, because at one time, our survival as a species depended on it.  These days, of course, most of us no longer even know what the dark looks like.  (Our technology has put a stop to that.)  But the instinct remains — a combination of tense anticipation followed by an unholy rush of adrenaline.  And for some weird reason — even psychologists can’t figure out why — we have an uncontrollable need to feed it.

Think about it.

The vast majority of horror movies have little or no artistic value, but they are a gabillion dollar industry.  Why?  Because they scare the bejesus out of us.  And it’s not as if we don’t know what’s coming: at some point, some big ugly something is going to jump out at us — guaranteed.  After all, horror movies haven’t changed that much since Prana Film ripped off Bram Stoker to produce Nosferatu in 1922.  The truth is we cozy up on the sofa with our popcorn, our Pepsi™ and Friday the 13t, Parts 1 through 37 because we’re actively searching for that shot of adrenaline.

This is the place Halloween comes from.  It’s part of our intrinsic desire to feel fear.  It reminds us that, despite our manicured lawns, painted fences and bold-as-day streetlights, there are still things lurking in the shadows.  And it doesn’t matter that it’s only some kid in a Walmart Batman costume or his parents as Sexy Bo Peep and her single, sorry-lookin’ sheep.  The point is, there might be something else out there.  Something we don’t see.  Something that doesn’t sleep.  Something whose cold, bony subliminal fingers can reach out from the night and caress the beating flesh of our primeval heart.  Something … that might still be hungry.

We live in a society that works overtime trying to eliminate risk — from antibacterial soaps, sprays and potions to airbags in our automobiles.  Ironically, however, there is a place, deep in our psychological DNA, that defies the marvels of modern science and social engineering.  It draws its power from the pictograph caves of a world lit only by fire, where long macabre shadows dance up the walls.  Where the night outside is solid black and breathing.  We know this place.  It’s part of our cultural memory.  We were born there.  And Halloween is an annual opportunity to keep that world alive.