9 Bold Predictions (Plus 1)

futurePredicting the future is like explaining the past — you’re going to get an argument from somebody.  However, when was the last time I was afraid of a verbal bare-knuckles?  So here are some bold predictions for the not-so-distant future.

America — The long-anticipated demise of the USA will, once again, be greatly exaggerated.  America may have hit a serious bump called Trump, but remember that Amazon, Google, Facebook, Visa, Mastercard, Disney and Walmart are all American companies.  Plus, even the most detailed economic indicators don’t mention that, while that t-shirt, sold around the world, might be “Made in China,” the logo on the front is the Los Angeles Lakers, and the licensing money for that is going back to California.

China — China’s economic dominance will be short-lived — if it happens at all.  China is betting against history, which tells us two things.  One: if you give the middle class economic power but deny them the political power to protect their newfound money, you’re just asking for trouble.  And two: if you create an uber upper class that’s conspicuously wealthy, eventually the Have-nots are going to say WTF? and demand a bigger slice of the pie — by force, if necessary. (China is on the verge of satisfying both these conditions.)

Unemployment — Eventually, we’re going to realize that we don’t actually need all these lawyers, consultants, administrators, HR, PR, IT and WXYZ people, taking up space in government and industry.  In fact, we’d all be better off if they just left their make-work jobs and went home.  The problem is what’s our society going to do with a boatload of over-educated people, sitting around playing video games?

Stupid Vacation Pictures — Unfortunately, tourists are still going to act like jackasses at the Tower of Pisa, The Great Wall, the Venus de Milo and every other “must-see” with a website.  The only way around this is a universal ban on selfie sticks.  (Where’s the United Nations when you need them?)

Secrets — As ordinary people continue to give away their privacy with both hands, secrets will become a commodity only the very rich can afford.

English — Despite North America’s Politically Correct culture doing its best to tear the guts out of the English language, it will become the lingua  franca of the 21st century.  (FYI, twice as many people in Asia are learning English than speak it in the USA!)

Money — Folding money is rapidly going out of style. Eventually, the only people who will use it regularly will be international drug dealers and local bake sale charities.  A couple of years ago, I saw Girl Guides selling cookies with credit card readers on their telephones.  Think about it!

Bitcoins — Bitcoins are crap!  Remember what happened to tulips!

Zombies And Englishmen — Ever since social justice warriors made every identifiable group (except middle-class white males) an oppressed minority, it’s been impossible for Hollywood to find a villain who doesn’t come equipped with an angry Twitter mob.  So, for the foreseeable future, only Zombies and Englishmen will be acceptable as the bad guys in the movies and on TV.

And finally:

Energy Is Not Going Be A Problem — Right now, in most industrialized countries, people pay more for a cup of Starbucks coffee than they do for a litre of gasoline.  Check it out!  So, as long as fossil fuels remain relatively cheap, oil-producing countries are going to have the rest of us by the shorthairs.  Fortunately, though, a lot of us are getting sick and tired of sucking up to these people, and we’re starting to produce our own energy.  (NB! As you read this, the Netherlands is using wind power to drive all their trains.)  Obviously, as more and more people do this, the world will become a cleaner, happier place — and the Middle East will go back to being a gigantic, unhappy sandbox.

Predictions — 2016

predictionsPredicting the future has been a money-maker since before Nostradamus scammed the pants off Catherine de Medici.  The Greeks loved their oracles and the Romans specialized in reading entrails (which is a polite way of saying “Ewwww!”)  So what the hell!  It’s a new year and here are my predictions for 2016.

After “Grumpy Cat’s” animated dance against Climate Change goes viral on Facebook (over 1 million “Likes”) Mother Nature will finally realize the power of Social Media and quit dickin’ around with the weather.

In a surprise move, Michelle Obama will enter the race for President of the United States.  Faced with another uber-cool, unbeatable Obama, Hillary Clinton will turn her back on politics, and in a fit of wild frustration, haul Bill out of his New York office and literall beat the livin’ crap outta him in the middle of 6th Avenue!

Vladimir Putin will launch himself into space on a Soyuz rocket fuelled entirely by his own ego.

In a rare show of solidarity, university students across the North America will declare that their university campuses are now “safe places.”  They will go on to lock all the libraries until they can appoint a student committee brave enough to actually read the disturbing ideas written there.

China will cut down its last tree but will be applauded by environmentalists everywhere when they announce they’re going to build the world’s largest artificial forest made entirely of recycled wood fiber.

TMZ, E! and Buzzfeed will report that Kanye West smiled, but upon further investigation, it will turn out to be a cruel hoax.

Caitlyn Jenner will hold a press conference to say she’s tired of living a lie and admit she’s actually an undercover agent for a shadowy organization called The Patriarchy.

At their annual convention, the National Rifle Association will cease to exist when a lively debate on how to combat gun control turns deadly.

At this year’s Oscars, Sean Penn will reveal he has had the stick surgically removed from his ass but will be completely upstaged when, after years of trying, Johnny Depp finally achieves Maximum Cool and bursts into flames.

In an exclusive interview with Fox News, Donald Trump will state that his favourite book (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) is The Boys From Brazil.  Later, he will admit he hasn’t coloured all the pictures yet.

The Mars Rover will transmit some amazing pictures of an Aussie backpacker trying to bum a ride.

Tired of all the accusations, FIFA will announce that Russia’s 2018 World Cup Final victory will be absolutely free of corruption.

ISIS will suffer a devastating blow when five of its seven leaders die laughing at the West’s latest comprehensive plan to stop international terrorism.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (Brangelina) will buy Burundi and legally adopt everybody living there.

And finally:

The European Union will abandon the Euro and go back to the barter system.  Within a month, Greece will announce it has spent all its chickens and demand Germany return the poultry they ate during World War II.

Happy New Year and Good Luck