A Realist’s Guide To “Old Sayings”

quotesThere are three kinds of people in the world: realists, cynics and idiots — and it’s very easy to tell them apart.  Realists see a glass half full of water and, if they’re thirsty, drink it.  Cynics see a glass half full of water and race for Social Media to tell the world Donald Trump peed in it.  And idiots don’t even see the water.  All they see is an opportunity to create some metaphorical homily that’s supposed to enlighten the rest of us who haven’t noticed life’s intrinsic meaning.  Crap like, “It’s always darkest before the dawn” (a physical impossibility) or “Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.”  (Tell that to Mary Ann Nichols who met Jack the Ripper for the first time in 1888.)  Here are some other examples of this dumbass bumper sticker philosophy:

There’s Honour Among Thieves — No, thieves are not honourable.  They’re THIEVES!  They steal things; that’s their job.  And when they run out of regular people to steal from, they steal from each other.  (Hasn’t anybody seen The Sting?)

Money Isn’t Everything — Yeah, but it’s sure as hell ahead of whatever’s in second place.

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth — Maybe, but I’m willing to bet there’s going to be at least one 300 lb. biker, swinging a metal pipe, who wants to contest the will.

All’s Well That Ends Well — This one’s actually true.

Misery Loves Company — Gimme a break!  The last thing I want to see when I’m feeling crappy is somebody who has it worse off than I do.  That defeats the whole purpose of being depressed.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine — If I even touch this one, I’m going to get emails.

Love Conquers All — I’ve only got one word to say about this:  Romeo and Juliet.

Live And Learn/Older And Wiser — Not even close.  We all know somebody who’s made a career out of figuring out stupider ways to make the same mistakes.

Opposites Attract — This makes a mockery of all those birds of a feather who are flocking together.

Never Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth — This one doesn’t even make sense.  What the hell is a “gift horse?”  And, BTW, when was the last time you actually saw a real horse –“gift” or otherwise?  We’re not Trojans, for God’s sake!

And finally, my favourite:

The Early Bird Gets The Worm — What about the early worm?

 

What’s Your Food Personality?

food (2)They say, “You are what you eat” and that’s true.  For example, college students no longer eat junk food and that’s why, these days, they’re always wearing their grumpy pants.  However, it’s not only what we eat that illustrates our personality but also how we eat it.  Once again, people who walk around all day, drinking brand name coffee out of a paper cup, think they look totally cool.  They totally don’t.  The only thing carrying a paper cup tells the world is you’re so woefully disorganized you can’t find 10 minutes to sit down and have a proper cup of coffee.  You see, the way we treat our food offers intriguing insights into who and what we are.  Let me demonstrate:

Mac ‘N Cheese — People who eat mac n’ cheese with a fork are aggressive wannabe predators, hunting their food with a symbolic spear.  People who eat mac n’ cheese with a spoon are lazy and want the most reward for the least amount of effort.  And people who eat mac n’ cheese with their hands are stoned.

Tacos — Tacos are supposed to have hard shells, so people who eat them that way are uninspired lock-step, rigid rule followers.  They usually end up working for a cult.  Conversely, people who eat soft shell tacos are dumb and indecisive.  They’re not sure whether they want a taco or a burrito and probably don’t know the difference.  They usually end up getting recruited by a cult.

White Chocolate — This isn’t chocolate.  It’s a lie.  And the people who eat it are usually just as big a liar as the food itself.

Pizza — There are people who eat pizza with a knife and fork; they’re called Italians.  Anybody else who tries to pull this pompous crap is a hopeless git who “discovered” Italy on the one trip they took to Europe as an undergrad.  Chances are good these know-it-alls haven’t been more than 5 kilometres away from their homes since.

Ketchup on Eggs — This just disgusting.  People who put ketchup on eggs (especially sunny-side-up eggs) usually have bodies buried in the back garden.

And finally:

Breakfast Cereal — If you eat breakfast cereal in the morning — in a bowl, with milk — you’re either an old man living alone in a hovel or you’re six and your parents are idiots.  Real, well-adjusted  people eat breakfast cereal in the middle of the night while binge watching The Bridge or straight out of the box, with red wine, after their hearts have been broken by one of those lying cheating white chocolate eaters.

Anger

Wesminster

When does horror become sadness?  When does sadness become anger?  I don’t know; I wish I did.  ‘Cause I’m sitting here, half a world away, wondering why “atrocity” is such a lame word for the latest terrorist attack in London.  The truth is I’m no longer interested in the aftermath of evil or the words that try to describe it.  I don’t care who those murdering bastards were.  I don’t want to know their names or anything else about their twisted little lives.  I don’t care where they were born, and I certainly don’t give a damn about how, when or why they became murdering bastards.  I have developed a malignant indifference to their very existence because, for the life of me, I can’t think of a single place where our humanities touch.  People who believe they have a righteous obligation to kill helpless, harmless men, women and children for the sin of living in an enlightened, fairly permissive, largely benevolent society, are beyond any words I can find to portray them.  And I don’t care what the pundits, the politicians or the various apologists say: terrorists are just pumped-up, pimped-out bullies, and I do not feel any emotion for them except anger — and cold-blooded defiance.