I Love Getting Old

time-and-oldI’ve said “I love getting old” so many times that people think I’m being ironic.  Folks, do I even look like a hipster?  Don’t get me wrong: being young was fun.  Wine, women and song: sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll — whatever you want to call it, being a young man in the 20th century was worth the price of puberty.  However, there are some seriously cool perks available when you’ve lasted long enough to get north of 60, ’cause if you do it right, old people are just pre-schoolers with porno and alcohol privileges.  Here’s what I mean:

1 — You get to complain.  It’s not only allowed: it’s expected.  It still doesn’t change anything, but damn it feels good!

2 — You get to wear comfortable clothes.  I don’t know why (and this goes double for women) but fashionable clothes are always uncomfortable.  They grab ya in the wrong place, hold things way too tightly and sneak into areas that really should remain private.  I don’t have any personal experience, but a push-up bra and stiletto heels have got to be the worst.

3 — You’re never lazy.  You can lie around all weekend in your (comfortable) sweat pants, eating pizza, drinking Pepsi, binge-watching Luther on Netflix — and nobody calls you on it!  In fact, you get loads of sympathy. “Poor old fella!  He’s got nothing to do.  Awww!”  Yeah, life’s a bitch.  Pass the pepperoni.”

4 — People do things for you.  They move out of the way, give you a seat on the bus, reach for the tall stuff, lift your heavy crap and set up your technology.  It’s great!  But use this power judiciously or young people will start avoiding you and, believe me, lonely and bitter is not a good way to go.

5 — You get a vocabulary.  Luckily, even though life remains cool, brilliant, far out, awesome and amazing, you get better ways to describe it.

6 — Cool is a temperature.  I have no idea how many Kardashians there are, who sings what song, where the Marvel Universe is at, what any of this year’s Must-See-TV programs are, or what what’s-her-name said about the evils of capitalism.  When you’re young, if Jennifer Lawrence gets a boil on her bum, it’s big news.  When you’re my age, you’ve seen enough boils and bums not to worry about it.

But the very best thing about getting old is:

7 — You finally understand the connection between elegant and sexy — and it’s got nothing to do with sex.

2016 — BEGONE!

2016-begoneI know it’s nearly the end of January, and we’re firmly in the grasp of 2017.  I know you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and that bitching about the past is about as effective as a blind man at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.  And I know I’m not the only one fed up with hearing what an Anno Horribilis 2016 was.  BUT, 2016 was an Anno Horribilis  — a great big bad anno horribilis — and, dead horse or no, I’m not done kicking it.  Here are a few things that came out of 2016 that  I want to see shot in the head and buried in the backyard.

Pumpkin Spice — Way back in the day, when it was a once-a-year Starbuck’s flavour, pumpkin spice was cool.  Then it became the new Nutella, and now it’s everywhere like the culinary equivalent of The Walking Dead.

Water bottle flip — First of all, why is everybody carrying a water bottle as if they live on a dirt ranch in Death Valley?  And secondly, who did this flip thing the first time and thought it was an accomplishment?

Finger/mouth Selfies — The Duckface selfie might not have killed it, but the war continues as grown women are taking pictures of themselves sticking their fingers in their mouths like petulant children in a massive effort to destroy sexy forever.

Snapchat filters — When you were 12? … maybe.

Pokemon GO — Actually, I would have liked to see this one hang around for a while.

Mannequin Challenge — Unlike that cold water thing from 2014, nobody benefits from a bunch of folks standing around pretending they have a stick up their ass.

Gourmet Toast — Oh, for God’s sake! It’s called leftover pizza, and it’s been around for years.

Hipster Food Presentation — Serving food in a jar, wrapped in burlap or on the hubcaps of a ’64 Ford is a good way to ruin a meal — and an appetite — at the same time.

Zucchini Noodles — Some things are just wrong.

Chokers – A 19th century fashion statement that swept the neighbourhood in the 1990s.  Now, it’s back, and whiplash has become fashionable again.

Ripped Jeans — Another throwback fashion.  I can’t wait to see what happens when these millionaire celebrities finally realize their designer jeans are being ripped by children in the sweatshops of Bangladesh.  There’s some irony there.

Old Testament Beards on Athletes — I’m surprised more defensive linemen don’t just grab a handful and pull.

And finally:

Politics — I and 7 billion other people on this planet are so totally pissed off with the infantile “I did not/you did so” brand of discourse from 2016 that we never want to hear this bullshit again.  So, everybody, just shut up and let’s get on with it!

Friday 13th — Better Late Than Never

fridayI hate it when I miss Friday the 13th.  It’s the perfect opportunity to point out just how silly superstitions are.  But what the hell?  Better late than never.

I think all reasonable people can agree that superstitions are absurd, and our lives are not governed by foolish folklore and old wives’ tales.  There are physical laws in the universe.  These laws were set down by the gods and Mother Nature in a time before time — and they (and they alone) dictate the scope and skein of our lives.  All the rest of it is just silly hocus-pocus.

For example:

You should never hang a new calendar before January 1st.  That angers the gods who control our future, and they will visit their displeasure upon you for the entire year.  It’s best to leave the new calendar in its original package until after breakfast on the morning of January 1st; then, hang it, when you’re safely into the New Year.  This is not superstition: this is prudent behaviour.

You should never propose — or drink — a toast in water.  The gods demand that offerings to them should be made with strong spirits.  Anything less shows disdain for their power.  The gods will not look kindly on your invocation if you don’t treat them properly (quite rightly!) and, depending on how pissed off they get, they could actually reverse your plea.  Thus, “To your health” could become a very dangerous proposition, indeed.

Under no circumstances should you ever step on a spider.  Mother Nature will not tolerate the casual killing of her children.  She will make it rain.  And not some wimpy April-showers-bring-May-flowers rain, either; she will literally kick your ass with water.

On the other hand, wishing on a star will bring your wish to the attention of the gods who will look upon it — and you — with favour.

Also, the gods love sports and fair play.  Nothing pleases them more than to see athletes and fans brandishing totems or following rituals to beseech their favour.  The gods will reward the faithful and punish the transgressors ruthlessly.  There is no other realm of human endeavour that so clearly shows the delicate and detailed balance of the universe, or the benevolent power of the gods.  The New York Yankees are living proof.  They win because the gods smile upon them — and their fans.  I, myself, have an old and ratty Yankees’ t-shirt which I wear during the playoffs to honour the Baseball Gods.  This is not some childish “lucky charm” but a strong talisman that ensures continued success.  On the other hand, Babe Ruth cursed and the gods hate the Red Sox.  This is a known fact.  They also hate the Dallas Cowboys, the Detroit Pistons , Patrick Roy and Kobe Bryant.  However, they reserve their special, nasty junkyard-dog-hate for the Toronto Maple Leafs who they have damned, for all eternity, for being smug.

Which brings us to the most important natural law of all: don’t be smug.  The gods particularly hate smug people.  Tiger Woods thought he could get away with it, didn’t he?  The guy hasn’t made a decent putt since Elin hit the wrong button on his cell phone and heard what’s-her-name leaving him bimbo-mail.  Similarly, Mel Gibson hasn’t made a respectable movie since Payback in 1999.  Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Ferguson, Shia LaBeouf, Mariah Carey and Al Gore are all examples of what the gods can (and will) do to the smug among us.  The list is long and growing.  So be careful, because the gods hate smug so thoroughly that even an idle word can rain havoc down upon you.  The only way to try to reverse a random act of smuggery is to immediately touch wood and call upon the fox, cleverest of the supernatural animals, to help trick the gods.  Maybe, just maybe …  but for safety’s sake, it’s best just to remain humble.

So let’s forget about all these ridiculous superstitions – Friday the 13th, black cats and broken mirrors.  As we have seen, there is overwhelming evidence that the universe is controlled by real physical laws, not fairytales and folklore.