Time To Be Better

virus2

Our grandparents and their parents were called on to fight a World War to save the world.  Now, it’s our generation’s turn to hear the clarion call to action.  We’re being called on to save the world by staying home, sitting on the sofa, playing video games and watching TV.

WE CAN DO THIS, PEOPLE!

This is the part where ordinary people step forward and do better.  There are many of us on the frontline of this fight, but for the rest of us … we are not required to be extraordinarily brave, we’re not required to leave our homes and families and we’re not required to put ourselves in harm’s way.  In fact, we’re being asked to do the very opposite!  So, it’s not too much to ask that we also leave our fat world of entitlement behind us, drop our petty differences at our feet and just be better human beings.

So, here’s a rough guide on how to do better in the time of Covid-19.

The world has changed.  You don’t have to like it, but you do have to adapt.  We all pride ourselves on how well we think outside the box. Here’s our chance to prove it.

If your natural tendency is to complain – go ahead.  However, here in 2020, the entire world got pooped on, so we all have something to complain about.

If your natural tendency is to laugh – go ahead.  It can’t hurt.

And if your natural tendency is to cry, remember you’re not the only one.

Don’t claim the moral high ground: there isn’t one.  Nobody gets extra points for doing the right thing.  It’s what we’re supposed to do.

In the pantheon of problems the world faces right now, there is only one choice you have to make.  ONLY ONE!  Buy what you need and leave the rest.  It doesn’t require any sacrifice.  It isn’t even a hardship.  It’s normal.  And, believe me, your life isn’t going to be any better because you’ve got 4 boxes of Cheerios.

This task has been given to you – no one else.  It’s your personal responsibility, and it’s not downloadable to “them” or “they” or someone half a world away.

There are no mitigating circumstances.  None of us has any excuse not to wash our hands, keep our distance, smile at our neighbours and play by the rules.

And finally:

Remember, we all know the result.  We all know we’re going to win.  We’re not facing a smart enemy who can outwit us.  We’re not facing an enemy who’s going to change its tactics.  We’re not facing an enemy who can divide us and deceive us with promises and propaganda.  We’re facing an enemy that needs to be isolated and killed – full stop.  So what you do right now determines whether this will be a long and arduous war or a sharp and final battle.

It’s not a choice: it’s time to be better!

Apocalypse – Not Quite Yet!

virus1

Unless you’re living on Mars, you know our world is walking a whole new path these days.  We all know the situation; we all have information.  Most of it is real; some of it — not so much.  And we’re all trying to figure out what happens next.  Nobody knows.  However, before we cash in our emotional chips and hide in the closet, we need to think about a few things.  This isn’t an essay in rose-coloured glasses — just a little reality check in these troubled times.

No virus can cancel singing.  Just ask the Italians.

In the future, there will be a lot less time spent in boring meetings where everybody sits around in a little room, talking about what needs to be done instead of doing it.

Finally, people have something real to think about, and they can quit wasting their time, rattling on about which wannabe celebrity said what on Twitter.

Even as you read this, millions of people all over the world are working flat out to get this thing under control.  And they’re succeeding.  Vaccines have been developed at several medical facilities, and human testing has already started in Seattle.

For every story about somebody being a dick, there are a ton of unselfish acts of kindness – too numerous to list.

For the first time in human history, there is no “them and us.”  We’re all in this war together.  This might be hard to get used to at first, but eventually it’s going to be normal.

And the indomitable human spirit will prevail.  Here are just a few examples of people saying, “I’m still standing” and laughing in the face of serious adversity.

1 — It’s been 5 days without sports on TV, but I met a woman on the sofa this evening.  Her name is Marsha.  She told me she lives here.  She seems nice.

2 – We’re all going to brag to our grandchildren that, when we were young, they wouldn’t let us go to school and we didn’t have any toilet paper.

3 — I never thought I’d see the day when cannabis is easier to get than hand sanitizer.

4 — I wish self-isolation meant not watching the news.

5 — There’s a new drink called the Quarantini.  It’s just a regular martini, but you drink it by yourself.

6 — With everybody forced to stay home, I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a minor baby boom, and in 2033, we’ll be calling them The Quaran-teens.

7 — Apparently, 2020 is being written by Stephen King.

8 — To all those people buying tons of toilet paper: you better stock up on condoms too, so you don’t raise any more idiots like you.

And finally, my favourite:

9 — Come on, folks!  If we set aside our differences and all pull together, we can make this the best damn pandemic ever!

Best Jokes — 2019

jokes

What the hell’s going on?  It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper.  If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children.  She’s not.  Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 ….  Hey!  Do I detect a pattern, here??  Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky.  So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Sit back, relax and have a laugh.  It can’t hurt.

What do I want played at my funeral?  Rugby! – Goodbear

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart

In his job, my dad’s never lost a case.  That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore

Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory.  Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr

Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre.  That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison

Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words?  “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.  He was close, but no cigar. – Goose

I’ve tried online dating.  If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton

Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre.  Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick

I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page

Someone stole my antidepressants.  Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott

A thesaurus is great.  There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

Crime in a multi-storey car park.  That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine

I picked up a hitchhiker.  You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.  I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.  He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.  What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess

Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell

I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney

And finally:  Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.

I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.

I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.

I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.