Tag: behaviour

Personality Disorder Addiction

personalityIn today’s society, there is no such thing as normal.  We’ve become so obsessed with Psycho-self diagnosis that pretty much every behaviour or personality trait has a syndrome, disease or disorder.  People who line up their coffee cups aren’t simply tidy anymore; they have OCD.  Children who get excited by the wonder of bright, new and beautiful aren’t just being kids; they have ADD.  Nobody’s sad; they’re “clinically depressed” — and on and on.  Unfortunately, we’ve overused these terms so outrageously that they’ve become virtually meaningless.  However, there’s always room for improvement, so here are a few afflictions that might better reflect our contemporary world.

ACAD (Arrogant Celebrity Activist Disorder)  Although ACAD is a condition that only affects famous people, its symptoms are widespread within the celeb community and very severe.  ACAD sufferers are not connected to reality in any way.  They truly believe that — even though they have no education, experience or ability beyond playing a guitar or crying on cue — they have a special insight into the world’s problems.  They generally prance around our planet looking like hypocritical jackasses.  They show up at Climate Change Conferences in chartered jets and stretch limos.  They walk on red carpets wearing enough money to feed an African village for a decade.  They shop Third World orphanages looking for designer children to adopt as if they were cruising Rodeo Drive.  And at the end of it all, these filthy rich assholes have the cojones to try and scam the rest of us into donating our bus money to finance their multimillion dollar hobbies.  There is no cure for ACAD; we just have to put up with it.

SWS (Star Wars Syndrome) Formerly called CCS (Constant Conspiracy Simplex) people with SWS believe the political candidate they chose not to vote for is Darth Vader, secretly engaged in various nefarious plots to ruin the world.  This delusion naturally leads them to the conclusion that the candidate they did choose must be Yoda, a wise and thoughtful leader.  Unfortunately, those  with SWS refuse to consider any evidence which contradicts this simplistic fantasy nor accept the reality that the vast majority of political candidates are, in fact, Jar Jar Binks.  SWS, even in mild cases, eventually causes the sufferer to become angry, defensive and secretly disappointed.  There is only one known cure for SWS — rational thinking.

MFD (Maud Flanders Disease) Named for the dead Simpsons character Maud (“What About The Children?”) Flanders, MFD is a debilitating disorder closely associated with the Cult of Mom.  MFD sufferers are usually found subjecting normal people to endless dissertations about child care adventures or parenting options.  They spend their days mildly annoyed that nobody truly understands what awesome parents they are and become extremely agitated when the entire planet doesn’t come to a screaming halt every time some kid says something cute, has an unassisted toilet experience or throws a temper tantrum.  Recent research has discovered that  MFD is actually a self-perpetuating disease caused by the overwhelming guilt sufferers feel because they don’t actually believe all that bullshit they’ve been spouting.  Be kind to those with MFD: they’ve put their  lives are on hold, and they need to justify that.

EPP (Endless Phobia Phobia)  People who suffer from EPP are unable to voice their opinions for fear of being labeled mentally ill.  They generally smile and nod in agreement when the latest trending accusation is being tossed around, but secretly they wonder if the word “phobia” is even being used correctly anymore.  Beware! EPP is actually contagious; you can catch it from the Eagerly Offended.

And finally:

PCF (Politically Correct Fatigue) After living with Political Correctness for most of their lives, PCF  sufferers are just emotionally tired of it.  They no longer have the mental stamina to bother looking for common sense in the world.  Chronic sufferers don’t even roll their eyes anymore.  There is no known cure for PCF, and the only treatment is old Bill Maher videos.

It’s obvious our entire society is suffering from PDA (Personality Disorder Addiction.)

The Sounds Of Silence

uniformDespite the many hours we spend thumb pumping our phones like half-starved Rhesus monkeys, most human communication is nonverbal.  It runs from the universally recognized one and two fingered gestures that signal the end of an argument to the more subtle, eye roll that indicate open-ended ennui in teenagers.  But the way we walk, or stand or move our hands all say something about us, something that reaches into our primeval need to communicate. Here in the oh-so-sophisticated 21st century, we even use clothing, behaviour and appearance to “speak” to each other.  For example:

Driving a noisy black motor vehicle — means — I’m worried about my penis.

Driving a minivan with a stick figure family in the back window — means — I haven’t had sex since last March.

Driving anything with a bumper sticker — You need to know I think about things.

Dreadlocks on a white guy — Ha, ha, ha!  My grandparents left me a trust fund.

At least 3 tattoos (female) — I watch the Discovery Channel, so I’m spiritual.

At least 3 tattoos (male) — I have lots of disposable middle class income.

More than 3 tattoos (any gender) — Look at me!  Look at me!  LOOK AT ME!

Socks and sandals — I am a tourist.  Steal my stuff.

A low cut neckline and/or a push-up bra — These are my breasts … I will scold you if you notice them.

Bow tie — I’m actually cool … on the inside.

Hoodies — I might live in the suburbs and work at Home Depot, but I’m really a badass.

Hoodies (after age 30) — Uh … That’s just sad.

Shaved head — I’ll bet they’ll never guess I’m going bald.

Long, wiry grey hair (ponytail) — I have 283 Friends on Facebook.

Tight denim short shorts — Would you care to look at my bum today?

Cargo pants (shorts) — I wish I could carry a purse.

Full (Old Testament) beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

Short, trimmed beard — You might not know it, but I’m tons smarter than you are.

3 piece suit — I wish I were British.

Knitted cowl — I wish I were French.

Bulky black sweater — I wish someone would take me seriously.

Mom jeans — I’ve have two kids.  I’d like to see you under similar circumstances, bitch!

Torn jeans — I spend a lot of money on clothes … a lot of money!

Sunglasses — When you’re totally cool, it’s always a sunny day.

Yoga pants — For the love of God, we need to do something about those things!

Jerks & A**holes

jerksThere are three kinds of people in the world: regular folks, (that would be us) jerks and assholes.  We all recognize jerks and assholes.  They’re those people whose decision-making and social behaviour ruins the quality of life for everyone around them.  Yet they haven’t got a clue just how annoying they are.  They can be the girl on the bus, the guy behind the counter, a neighbour, even a friend — but these days, they’re everywhere.

At first glance, jerks and assholes might look and act in a similar manner; however, they are two different species.  Here’s a quick guide to help you sort them out.  (Although I have used the masculine pronoun throughout, there are an equal number of male and female jerks and assholes.  In fact, jerks and assholes practice 100% gender equality.)

At a restaurant, a jerk always leaves a miniscule tip.
An asshole always brags about the size of the tip he left, and then bitches about the service — after he’s left the restaurant.

A jerk will answer texts while he’s talking to you.
An asshole will stop you in mid sentence to show you the text.

A jerk doesn’t care what you think of him.
An asshole believes you think about him all the time.

A jerk will loudly explain why he’s an atheist to any Christian who crosses his path.
An asshole wants to discuss the Vatican’s position on pedophilia with your great aunt’s friend, retired Father Donnelly, aged 82.

At a coffee shop, a jerk asks any number of stupid questions but always ends up ordering a regular coffee.
An asshole will ask for some ingredient nobody’s ever heard of, be surprised that nobody’s ever heard of it, explain its significance to the  barista and end up ordering a regular coffee.  Then, after it’s poured he remembers he wanted decaf.

A jerk never cleans up after his dog.
An asshole scoops poop but leaves the bag under a tree.

At lunch, a jerk is constantly checking his phone.
An asshole has extended conversations.

A jerk laughs at his own jokes.
An asshole never laughs at anybody’s jokes.

A jerk is always late.
An asshole is always late.

You’re always nervous introducing your jerky friend to everybody.
You try to avoid introducing your asshole friend to anybody.