Tag: Christmas

WikiLeaks Targets Santa

WikiLeaks has struck again!  Somebody has hacked into Santa’s computer, and WD Fyfe has been given exclusive rights to publish some of the e-mails Santa Claus has received this year.  Here is a small sample.

Dear Santa — My name is Sarah, and I can see your house from my window.  I’ve been a good girl all year, not like that busybody, Michelle.  I don’t really want anything for Christmas this year, but in 2012, I’d like a new house in November — preferably in Washington. – Sarah — Sorry about the shooting: I didn’t know it was Blitzen.

Dear Santa — My name is Brian, and I’ll give you all my draft picks for the next 10 years if you give me somebody who can put the damn puck in the net.  I’ve tried to be good all year.  You can’t hold that stupid Kessel trade against me because that was last year. — Brian

Dear Santa — My name is Justin, and I don’t want anything for my birthday, thank you.  I’m perfect. – Justin Trudeau, Dauphin of Canada and MP (Papineau, Quebec)

Dear Santa — My name is Joe.  Please don’t forget me again this year.  I’m the vice-president of the United States.  I’ve been good all year — except for the swearing part but that wasn’t my fault.  I’d like some of the foreigners who come to visit us to remember my name.  It would mean a lot to me. — Joe Biden (b-i-d-e-n) Biden

Dear Santa — My name is Julian.  I’ve been a nasty little boy all year, but I don’t care because if you don’t give me what I want for Christmas, I’m going to leak all those e-mails you sent to the rehab clinic about Rudolph. — I’m watching you! Julian

Dear Santa — My name is Gregor, and I’ve been a sensitive, caring man all year.  I’d like Peace on Earth for people who ride bicycles, and the rest of those “hacks” can go to hell.  Oops, I apologize for my error in judgement: I didn’t know my pen still had ink in it. — Still not Premier of BC, Gregor Robertson

Dear Santa — If you want the World Cup at the North Pole, just put the money in an envelope and leave it under the tree.  We’ll understand. — FIFA

Out of the way, Fat boy!  I’m taking over.  Christmas is mine.  I deserve it.  I work harder than you do –all year – not just during the holidays.  And I get way more mail than you do.  I give people better presents than you do too.   And more people know who I am.  So clear off, or I’ll buy all the toys in the world and put you out of business. — The Mega-Evil-Corporation (formerly known as Oprah)

Dear Santa — My name is Al, and I’ve been a good boy my entire life.  I invented Christmas and the Internet.  And, since I’ve already got an Academy Award and a Nobel Peace Prize, I really don’t need that much for Christmas.  However, if you could make a certain massage therapist take the money and shut up, I’d really appreciate it. – Thanks! Al

Signore Claus — The girls and I are getting together over the holidays for a party, and we think it would be way cool to have some elves join in.  If you could send a dozen or so, that would be meravigliosa.  Never mind the price: we’ll just pay them when they get here. — Silvio Berlusconi

Santa — My name is Barack, but you can call me Obama; everybody else does.  I know the whole Hope and Change thing didn’t work out, but I was a good boy just for trying it.  So don’t listen to those guys at Fox News.  I’ve got a long list of things to do this year, but my #1 Christmas present priority is Sarah Palin.  Could you let her win the Republican Nomination in 2012?   Maybe then I’ll have enough time to get some of this stuff done. — Obama

Dear Santa — This is to inform you that 13 of your elves don’t like the way you’re running Christmas.  If you don’t step down immediately, they’re going to quit and make their own Christmas, and it’s going to be way better than yours. — Jenny Kwan — PS: When is Libby going to retire?

Dear Mr. Claus — My name is Justin, and I think I’m 12 years old.  I’ve been a good boy all year and made a lot of little girls happy.  I don’t really need anything for Christmas, but if you can do it, like my new friend Pinocchio, I’d like to be a real boy.  Thank you very much. — Your friend, Justin Bieber

Fat Capitalist — Do not come near my sovereign airspace.  I will retaliate and shoot you down.  Be very afraid of me I have nuclear weapons. — Glorious Leader, Kim Jung-il

And the rest from a government computer in Ottawa:

Salutations — I’m not really sure what I want for Christmas.  Conceptually, I suppose I’d like something to do with Peace on Earth, maybe.  Theoretically, one could argue that Good Will to Men would be a good thing, as long as it included women.  Of course, Happy Holidays is part of our common tradition, dating back to the 4th century and the inception of Christianity.  Actually, between you and me, I just want outta here.  The people here are so stupid.  I don’t know what ever possessed me to leave Harvard. – Sincerely, Michael Ignatieff

Patriarchal Holiday Being — We don’t believe in you.  Stop oppressing ordinary working Canadians.  We demand a Government Inquiry into the working conditions of the elves.  We oppose your American-style gift giving and your illegal occupation of the North Pole. — National NDP Caucus (Jack Layton, Acting Chair)

Pere Noel — Last year my presents were not bilingual and that made me very angry, but I kept them anyway.  This year, you have to give me twice as many presents or I won’t celebrate Christmas with you anymore. — Gilles Duceppe

And one weird Podcast:

Santa, baby! slip a majority of seats, to me

I’ve been an awful good boy

And hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa, honey! A senate that will do what I say, my way

I’ll wait up for you here, Santa baby.

So hurry down the chimney tonight.

[And it just went on and on]

Christmas and Commercialism

Personally I think “Christmas is getting way too commercialized!” is just a phrase everybody yips about at Christmas.  In truth, Christmas is pretty much the same as it always has been.  However, there have been some profound changes that not everyone is aware of.   For example, in the 21st century our buying habits have…..

 We interrupt this blog to bring an important breaking story

In a surprise marketing move, at least 3 gigantic electronics companies have introduced the same new consumer product — just in time for Christmas.  The Incredibly Useless Thing was introduced simultaneously at retail outlets around the world today.  The product sold out within hours.  Immediately dubbed the iThing by every unimaginative journalist in the universe, the device has sent computer geeks everywhere scurrying back to their mothers’ basements to try it out.  According to industry spokesperson, Nebraska Peterson, the iThing comes with twice as many mega-pixels and enough speed and memory to launch the Mars Rover from your kitchen.

“We’re calling it a whole new approach to connectivity,” Peterson said. “The iThing will connect with every other electronic piece of junk you own.  It’s wireless and interactive.  There are different coloured lights that come on randomly and various unusual sounds.  We’ve also added a remote, so you can access the iThing from any corner of the planet.  The remote is as big as a barn, with 17 buttons that don’t do anything, 6 buttons that do something (but nobody knows what) and 3 buttons that you’d better not touch because they’ll bugger up everything in your house — including the toaster.”

The iThing uses the new Inutile Operating System, which is no different from any other system except it kinda works but not really with all the stuff you’ve already got.  It’s unnecessarily complicated and the Interactive Help Menu is no help whatsoever.  Installation and set-up are so confusing no ordinary person can possibly understand what half the crap does, and if you click the wrong button in the dialog box, you’re screwed forever.  All three gigantic electronic companies are offering 24/7 tech support in a language that sounds remarkably like gibberish.  So say your prayers, ’cause the coyote’s got a better chance of catching the road runner than you have of ever figuring this thing out.

In a candid interview, one techno-drone said they’ve changed the names and placement of every function on the menu just to screw with everybody.  He went on to say that software developers do this all the time because all the cool kids in high school made fun of them, and they still haven’t got laid.  He concluded by shouting, “Who’s laughing now, Braaadley?”

Initially, the iThing will be offered in two models: the cheap one you see advertised (which is under powered and worthless) and the outrageously expensive one (which the pirates who made the device know you are going to have to buy eventually, anyway.)  However, Canadian media giants Rogers and Bell — who between them, own everything but the Crown Jewels — are taking a bold new direction as retailers.  “We don’t care about the iThing itself,” they say. “It’s free.  You can have the damn thing for nothing, as long as you sign a 5 year contract of penal servitude so we can charge you for every nanosecond it operates from the minute you turn it on.”

There have already been protests about the predator pricing of the iThing.  A fake YouTube commercial, showing the iThing exploding has already been e-mailed to everyone on the planet, and a Facebook group called “iThing Sucks” has attracted several million members.  Retailers have responded to the criticism by saying, “Big deal! A bunch of kids and old people have clicked a button on Facebook.  So what?  We’re sold out already, anyway.”

Nebraska Peterson, spokesperson for the three gigantic electronic companies, also responded by saying, “There has been some criticism, but the retail numbers speak for themselves.  This is not a manufactured shortage.  Our customers are saying they want the iThing.  Look at the unholy prices people are getting, reselling it on eBay!  But we’re a family-oriented company and we want parents and grandparents to have something for their loved ones during the Holidays, so we’re offering an opportunity to pre-purchase the next shipment of iThings.  Your purchase comes with a numbered gift card which you can use to track your iThing through the entire distribution process.  We plan to ship fairly quickly, so pre-purchasers should have their iThing within 3 months.”  Peterson admitted, however, that pre-sales had far extended the company’s ability to print the gift cards, and most people are just using their credit card receipts as presents.  She also hinted that there was already a new and improved model, the iThing 2.0 — with tons more memory, better resolution, and a cheaper price tag — which should be in retail outlets on April 1st, 2011.

We now return you to your regular blog.

Therefore, in light of this profound and insightful argument, we can conclude that commercialism hasn’t changed the face of Christmas but merely modified the holiday spirit.

Christmas: Setting the Record Straight

Concerning Reindeer

Any Laplander will tell you that all reindeer have antlers.  This is a fact.  It is also a fact that male reindeer lose their antlers in late November or early December, whereas female reindeer do not lose their antlers until spring.  Ergo, the reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh are all female – including Rudolph.  There were originally eight reindeer pulling the sleigh: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  Rudolph was added in 1939 when Robert L May created a colouring book for retailer Montgomery Ward to give away at Christmas.  The book told the now familiar story of Rudolph and how he came to guide Santa’s sleigh.  Ten years later, in 1949, Gene Autry had finished colouring all the pictures, so he decided to record a song based on the Rudolph story.  It was an instant hit, and Rudolph has been around ever since.  Many years ago, there was another reindeer pulling the sleigh.  Unfortunately became bitter and belligerent, so Santa had to take appropriate disciplinary action.  His name was Dinner.

Canada and Christmas

Canada was the first country to issue Christmas stamps — in 1898.

Nova Scotia exports more Christmas trees than anywhere else in the world.

Santa Claus lives in Canada.  He has his own address and postal code.  It’s Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada, H0H 0H0.  If you write to him he will reply in whatever language your letter is written in.  Try it!

Odd Facts

The reason that relentless movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, is on TV so much is that television stations don’t have to pay for it.  Apparently, when it was made, there was a mix-up in the contracts, so nobody who worked on the film — including the actors — ever gets residuals.

“Frosty the Snowman” was written by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson in 1950, for Gene Autry, who wanted to follow up the success of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” from the previous year.

The True Story of Santa Claus

In every Christmas book ever written, the story of Santa Claus starts out in some godforsaken town in Turkey.  Presumably, there was a guy there named Nicholas, who was a priest or something.  He was so generous the Church made him a saint.  Fine!  Then there’s a whole boring bit about saints in general and around 8 different stories about Nicholas in particular.  None of them jive.  Then the next thing you know, he shows up in Holland.  He’s changed his name to Sinterklaas and he’s bought himself a horse.  Then he’s Father Christmas; then he’s Kris Kringle (who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry), then he’s Pere Noel.  Yeah, right!  That’s the story we tell kids who are too young to understand.

Here’s the real story.  Santa Claus has been around forever.  He lives at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus, a ton of elves and the reindeer.  Once a year, he gets into his magic sleigh and flies around the world, delivering toys to good girls and boys.  How do I know this?  Documented proof!  Santa Claus has actually been seen – twice — once by Clement Moore in 1823, and then again by Haddon Sundblom sometime in the late 1920s.  Clement Moore wrote a poem about his experience called, ‘Twas the Night before Christmas.  In that poem, Moore describes Santa quite accurately, but because Moore suffered from an undiagnosed eye ailment, which messed up his depth perception, he didn’t realize Santa Claus was so big and called him “a right jolly old elf.”  Santa Claus is actually quite a large gentleman.  How do I know this?  Again, documented proof.  In 1931, Haddon Sundblom painted a picture of Santa as an advertisement for the Coca Cola Company.  It appeared in the Saturday Evening Post.  Sundblom’s image was universally recognized as Santa Claus; there were no complaints or any suggestions of inaccuracy.  Therefore, we can conclude that Sundblom must have seen Santa relatively recently to depict his likeness so exactly.  This is the true story of Santa Claus.  That other bunch of nonsense is a fable.

The Little Drummer Boy

It is a well known fact that the stupid “Little Drummer Boy” (who was put on this earth to annoy me) has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  The real little drummer boy was a pickpocket and sneak thief who fell in with the Three Wise Men in order to gain their confidence and eventually rob them.  He was already a hardened criminal by that time and had a list of previous offences as long as the Ohio River.  He was caught with his hand in the frankincense jar and sentenced to 10 years’ hard labour — which is exactly what the treacherous little bugger deserved.

Did you know?

If you’re frightened of Santa, you have Claustrophobia.

There was once a dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Christmas Quotes

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

“All Christmas trees are perfect.” – Charles N Barnard

“Bah! Humbug!” — Ebenezer Scrooge

“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash