Santa Claus — The Real Story

Santa Claus

Over the years, there has been a ton of misinformation, disinformation and out-and-out lies told about Santa Claus.  Personally, I’m tired of it.  It’s time to set the record straight.  And I’m just the boy that can do it.

First, the myth.  In almost every Christmas book ever written, the story of Santa Claus starts out in some godforsaken town in Turkey.  Apparently, there was a guy there named Nicholas.  He was a priest or something, and he was so generous the Church made him a saint.  Fine!  There are a few scraps of evidence to suggest this might be true.  However, historians have never be able to agree on the where, when, what, why or even the who of this little legend.  In fact, there is no definitive evidence whatsoever that this (or any other) Nicholas has any historical connection to Santa Claus.  Unfortunately, in place of hard evidence, anthropologists and social historians have taken to theorizing that our Santa Claus grew out of this Nicholas story.  They maintain that this local folk hero somehow not only managed to survive the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the Elizabethans, the Puritans, the Age of Enlightenment and the Industrial Revolution, but actually thrived and spread throughout Europe and eventually the world.  What a crock!

Now the truth.  The real story of Santa Claus — based on the facts.  Santa Claus has been around forever.  He’s known by a number of different names — Weihnachtsmann, Father Christmas, Pere Noel etc. etc. — but it’s all the same guy.  He lives at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus, a ton of elves and the reindeer.  He has a big red book with every child’s name in it, and he keeps meticulous track of which ones are naughty and which ones are nice.  All year long, the elves make toys in a gigantic workshop.  Then, once a year, Santa loads up his sleigh, hitches up the reindeer (who can fly – Duh!) and goes around the world, delivering toys to good girls and boys.

How do I know this?  Documented evidence!  Santa Claus has actually been seen – a number of times.  Obviously, there are a bunch of contemporary photographs available, but most of them have not been authenticated.  However, if we look at a few historical accounts from some very well-respected individuals, we can get at the truth – based on factual information.

In 1823, Clement Moore, a professor at Columbia College, woke up on Christmas Eve and witnessed Santa Claus delivering toys to his house.  He wrote a poem about his experience, called ‘Twas the Night before Christmas, which was published in the Sentinel newspaper in Troy, New York.  In that poem, Moore describes Santa quite accurately.  He also describes the reindeer (miraculously remembering Santa’s names for them) and their ability to fly.  There is some controversy over Moore’s account, however, because he describes the scene as “a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer” and goes on to call Santa himself “a right jolly old elf.”  Since we know (from corroborating evidence) that Santa Claus is actually quite a large gentleman, we can only conclude that Clement either didn’t have his glasses on or suffered from an undiagnosed eye ailment.

Santa Claus was next seen by Thomas Nast, sometime in the 1860s.  Nast was a cartoonist and social commentator who gave us, among other things, Uncle Sam, the symbols of both the Republican and Democratic political parties and the term “nasty.”  Obviously, a witness to history like Nast would not let his encounter with Santa Claus go unrecorded.  In the January 3rd, 1863 issue of Harper’s Weekly, Nast drew an illustration of Santa Claus meeting Union troops and passing out gifts during the Civil War.  We know this portrayal to be accurate because Santa Claus appears exactly as Clement Moore described him!  Clearly, these two depictions are of the same person.  Nast seems to have developed a long-term relationship with Santa Claus, because, twenty years later, he drew him again in what looks like a seated portrait.

The next documented sighting of Santa Claus occurred sometime in the late 1920s.  Haddan Sundblom, an advertising artist, clearly met Santa on several occasions and even convinced him to pose for another portrait.  In 1931, Sundblom painted a picture of Santa for an advertisement for the Coca Cola™ Company.  It appeared in the Saturday Evening Post.  And once again, Santa Claus is identical to both previous depictions.  Coincidence?  I think not!  In fact, Sundblom’s image was so universally recognized as Santa Claus that there has never been one suggestion, by schoolboy or scholar, that this is not the real Santa Claus – not one – in the entire world.  If I spoke Latin, I’d say QED!

These are three examples that document the truth about Santa Claus.  But there is one more piece of irrefutable evidence that cannot be denied by even the most cynical among us.  It’s Santa Claus’ home address.

Santa Claus
North Pole
Canada
H0H 0H0

So, you don’t have to trust me or the documented facts I have presented.  All you have to do is write to Santa Claus yourself, and I guarantee you he’ll answer.

And So This Is Christmas …

christmas 1

There are a million and six ways to celebrate Christmas — everything from Aunt Betty’s fruitcake (“Isn’t that the same one from last year?”) to the latest overpriced iPhone (“Holy crap!  They’re proud of their plastic!)  And we all keep Christmas in our own way.  However, there are certain things that everyone experiences at Christmas.  And these are the things that make the season special.

Christmas is about music — For God’s sake!  Could you give “Jingle Bells” a rest?  You’ve been playing that damn thing constantly since the 12th of November.  And, while we’re at it, one more “Little Drummer Boy” and I’m going to jump up and punch somebody – seriously – I’m going to punch somebody.

Christmas is about good cheer – To the guy who stole your parking space, the woman who elbowed into line and insisted she was next, the teenagers who were singing “Straight Outta Compton” in the Lego Store, the delivery person who dropped your package and kicked it to the door and the co-workers who secretly ate all your cookies – Merry Christmas, ya bunch of assholes!

Christmas is about giving — You’ve known each other since grade school; you’ve been friends since university.  So this year you’ve spent the last three months searching every garage sale, dusty charity shop and back alley record store within 100 km. looking for a copy of her totally favourite vinyl record, The Velvet Underground & Nico.  You found it!  You wrap it in special paper with a handmade tag.  You give it to her.  And she hands you a scented candle and a Starbucks’ Gift Card.

Christmas is about family – Your mother hasn’t spoken to Uncle Thomas in 12 years.  Your brother borrowed money from you last April, and now he doesn’t answer his phone.  Your niece is a vegan and her girlfriend is an atheist.  Grandpa can’t eat salt, sugar, soy or starch and Grandma has trouble with fibre.  Cousin Benny and his wife drink – a lot.  And your own kids have decided to spend Christmas in Hawaii with their father.  Surprise!  It’s your year to host the good old-fashioned family Christmas dinner.  Oh, and your sister’s kids want to bring the dog.

But the one thing that we all have in common at Christmas is:

Christmas is about kids – I don’t care if you’re the world’s most committed social worker, one good deed away from the Nobel Peace Prize or a badass biker, one neck tattoo away from a felony conviction — when a child sees Santa Claus for the first time – screw the 6 O’clock News — there is no wickedness in the world!

The Perils Of Christmas

christmas

The War on Christmas is over, and only nitwits and sophomores are still proclaiming that “Happy Holidays” is the one true path to enlightenment.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is, unfortunately, even though it serves no purpose, the silliness surrounding the biggest celebration on the Christian calendar continues.  I guess there’s just something about “Peace on Earth” that brings out every disaffected dolt with a grudge and an Internet connection.  However, take heart!  Here are a few helpful hints to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas.

The Tree – There’s always somebody who’s going to point out that Christmas trees are actually pagan symbols and then literally bathe in the suggested religious hypocrisy.  The best retort is, “Yes, that’s true.  In fact, it was sexually repressed, anal retentive Puritans who banned Christmas trees for that very reason.”  (Pause – 1, 2, 3)  “By the way, which kind are you?”

The Songs – They’ve already banned “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” so can “don we now our gay apparel” and “folks dressed up like Eskimos” be far behind?  Even “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is under suspicion … bullying!  After all, when “all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names” Rudolph didn’t contact an authority figure (i.e. Santa Claus) to complain.  The best thing to do is stick to “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano.  It’ll drive you stark raving mad, but it ticks all the boxes.

Mistletoe – Not a good idea.

Office Parties – A grand tradition of good cheer and camaraderie that has fallen on hard times.  These days, nobody’s willing to chance waking up the morning after with a screaming hangover and a retroactive lawsuit.  So be it.  However, there’s no need to cancel this year’s festivities: simply segregate the party by gender — like they do in Muslim countries.

The Presents – Commercialism has always been the battle cry of those pompous asses who don’t understand Christmas in the first place.  However, this one is easy.  All you have to do is buy presents that nobody’s ever heard of.  Things like Fair Trade/handmade Ecuadorian shoelaces, or a Nigerian nose flute or a Community College course in roof thatching.  And what child wouldn’t be overjoyed to discover a bundle of organic asparagus in her stocking?

Santa Claus – This is a bad one.  Not only is Santa clearly running a sweatshop where a beleaguered minority (the elves) are forced to work long hours in less than ideal conditions, but there’s also the question of Mrs. Claus – a women so oppressed she doesn’t even have a first name!  Plus, there’s the bullying issue (covered in #2) the obesity issue, the trust issue, the judgemental issue and nobody really knows how big a carbon footprint flying reindeer leave.  This is a minefield, and the only way out of it is to tell your kids Santa Claus DOESN’T bring presents – Amazon does.  Problem solved.

But the very best way to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas is simply to keep Christmas in your own way and don’t sweat the mean- spirited morons who want to ruin it.