We live in a wonderful scientific age. In our time, the selective use of science can prove — or disprove — anything we like. For example, did you know we live right next door to a parallel universe? We do. Now, I’m not one of the tinfoil hat brigade. Nor do I hear voices from across the ether. What I do have is some pretty compelling evidence that we are not alone in a uni-dimensional universe. And with a little scientific analysis and some 21st century logic, we can see just how dangerous these beings from “the other side” are. Let’s look at the facts.
The Socks In The Dryer Conundrum
Evidence — How many time have you put a load of laundry into the dryer, gone back an hour later and discovered you suddenly have a odd number of socks? It happens all the time — right? Plus, and this is the weird bit, it’s never bed sheets, blue jeans or pajamas that disappear — only socks. Clearly, we don’t think the dryer ate the missing socks — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — The only logical explanation is the spinning dryer must create a vortex that allows beings from another dimension to travel here and steal our socks.
Conclusion — These extra-dimensional beings have no regard for the human concept of private property; they’re totally dishonest and they can’t be trusted. Also, since we know socks come in pairs, they’re probably stealing individual socks for their third foot. Therefore, we can logically conclude they must have three legs.
The Where Did My Stuff Go? Mystery
Evidence — How many times have you reached for your key, your gloves, your telephone, etc. and discovered the item is missing? You check all the places it could be, retrace your steps, search the house, the office, the car and still can’t find it. Then, suddenly, the item reappears in the most unlikely spot. Clearly, we don’t think the item moved itself — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Since we already know beings from the other dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel (see #1) we can assume that, once again, they are stealing our stuff. However, why are they giving it back? Obviously, unlike the socks, they neither need nor want our personal items.
Conclusion — Extra-dimensional beings are taking our things away for analysis and then returning them when they’ve collected the information they need. This is pure intelligence gathering. They want to know all about us so they can find our weaknesses. And since they don’t keep things like key fobs and smart phones, we can logically conclude they are more technologically advanced than we are. Plus, since we never see the theft (and these beings aren’t — uh — invisible, LOL) we can deduce that they must be extremely fast, which is corroborated by the fact that they have three legs.
But here’s the proof that seals the deal:
The Extra Stuff Enigma
Evidence — How many times have you been looking through a drawer or cupboard and found an electronic cord that doesn’t fit anything, a key without a lock, a lock without a key, plastic container lids that don’t fit any containers, breath mints in the bottom of your pocket, a single battery, pens, pennies, paperclips, the list goes on and on. We all have this kinda stuff kickin’ around and have no idea where it came from. Clearly, we don’t think these items just appeared by magic — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Extra-dimensional beings are not only stealing things from us but also leaving things behind. This is the inter-dimensional equivalent of littering.
Conclusion — Inter-dimensional beings are throwing things out in our dimension because — in their own dimension — the garbage bins are full. Since we already know their civilization is more advanced than ours (see #2) we can only assume that they have an even bigger waste management crisis than we do.
So let’s put it all together
Super Conclusion — Here are the facts.
1 — Three-legged beings in a parallel dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel.
2 — They have a disregard for private property.
3 — They’re gathering intelligence to discover our weaknesses.
4 — They’re in an environmental crisis.
The only logical conclusion we can come to is our world is being probed by extra-dimensional aliens who are about to invade us and use our planet as a gigantic garbage dump.
Thanks, science! You’ve done it again!
I love the British Broadcasting Corporation! In a time when 99% of the gutter-feeding media are giving the other 1% a bad name, the Beeb (as it is affectionately called) is a bastion of reasonable thought. For example, last week they reported that the village of Saalfelden in Austria was in the market for a hermit. Apparently, the hermit they had retired last autumn, and they haven’t been able to fill the position. This is real news — the kind of news that not only informs us but also makes us think. Particularly, I was thinking, “Wow! I didn’t know the world still had hermits. I thought the old guy down the road, talking to his vegetables, was just nuts.” It surprises me that being a hermit is a genuine profession from which some people do retire. And that knowledge opens up a whole can of other questions; not the least of which is, for a hermit, what does retirement look like?
Hang on to your bonnet, baby, because I’ve uncovered a massive international conspiracy. Unfortunately, I’m such a total coward I’m too scared to name names, but I have evidence that powerful covert forces are at work — even as we speak. These shadowy figures are grimly determined to totally suck the joy out of every aspect of human life! Their nefarious goal is to turn every one of us into miserable Neo-Puritans, just as riddled with guilt and apprehension as they are. And the problem is it looks as if they’re succeeding. Check it out:
WD Fyfe 