Tag: Culture

Our World Is Dying

sandOur world is dying.  No, I don’t mean poached polar bears, floating face down in the flooded streets of Miami — although, if we’re not careful, that could be a possibility.  I’m talking about that world we built back in the 20th century that, for all its mighty flaws, was — uh — comfortable.  Yes, part of this is just old man nostalgia, but even the “tear-it-down/blow-it-up” crowd will admit that, a couple of decades ago, there was a certain certainty about life.  We had a society that was steady, reliable — dull as dishwater — but it made life relatively easy to live.  Unfortunately, a lot of the institutions — and therefore the attitudes — which defined that world are slowly going the way of the dodo.  Some of these are just tiny twitches, but they’re all part of a gathering tsunami that is going to wipe away our world like a foot print on the beach.

Landline Telephones — The biggest change in the cell phone revolution is that, without a heavy receiver in your hand, you can’t slam down the phone in pissed-off frustration anymore.  Touching disconnect just doesn’t cut it!  This pent-up anger has to go somewhere, and I personally think this why young people complain so much.

Bricks and Mortar — Those greedy corporate bastards are closing retail outlets as fast as they can hang the “For Sale” signs.  Why?  Just because I, and millions of other people, haven’t actually been inside a bank, a hardware store, a department store or a book shop for months, or even years.  The problem is those young people who would have (should have?) started their careers as bank tellers, shop clerks and cashiers are now unemployed and have to look for opportunities in such soul-killing professions as HR counselling and IT consulting.  No wonder young people are grouchy all the time!

Regular Redneck Beer — Like coffee and snack food, beer has fallen prey to that most insidious predator of our time — the pompous ass.  Adding blueberries, broccoli or bananas to what is essentially Budweiser, and calling it “craft beer” is bad enough, but pretending “Gimme a beer!” is a culinary event so you can charge an outrageous price for it is just an out-and-out scam.  And people are surprised that young people think the world is screwing them over!

And finally:

Flirting — If you’re a heterosexual male between the ages of 16 and 65, the new rules on flirting are easy — DON’T!  You’re far better off with the Bromance.  Hanging out with your bestie bros provides a safe, non-judgemental environment.  Besides, history has shown us that inter-gender activity can lead to all manner of 20th century nonsense, like art, poetry, laughter, walking on the beach, dancing in the moonlight and even singing in the rain.

It’s a brave new world out there, kids.  Smile!

Solutions For Our Neo-Victorian World

neo victorianSo far, it looks as if 2018 is just going to be 2017 all over again.  What’s wrong with us?  Why don’t contemporary solutions ever work?  Maybe it’s time we took at look at some of the things we used to get right and resurrect that stuff to tackle our modern problems.  Here are a couple of suggestions.

One — Ever since Lee Iacocca went screaming to the U.S. government to bail out Chrysler back in the 1970s, CEOs of some pretty hefty corporations have been getting a free ride.  Piles of these guys (it’s usually guys) get hired for beaucoup bucks to run some company and all they do is run it into the ground.  Then, when their reckless business practices have practically bankrupted the people they’re supposed to be working for, they walk away with a severance package worth more than the GDP of Haiti!  I have one word for these Calvin Klein criminals — Debtor’s Prison.  Throw some of these jerks in jail to work off the corporate debts they’ve incurred and they’d probably take a more measured approach to closing facilities and laying off workers.  Capitalism would get back to doing what it does best — making money for everybody.  And, truth to tell, it would do everybody’s heart good to see some of these fat bastards indulge in a little honest labour.

Two — Once the go-to standard and perfectly acceptable method of settling social disagreements (in 1906, it was an Olympic Event!) dueling has fallen on hard times.  These days, defending one’s honour with cold steel is considered barbaric.  However, let’s think about it.  In the 21st century, our society has become distinctly rude — especially on Social Media.  Any idiot with an Internet connection can hurl insults around as if they were confetti at a middleclass wedding — with no fear of  repercussions.  But how long do you think these Twitter Trolls would last if they were faced with the possibility of looking down the barrel of a high-calibre dueling pistol?  Believe me, @kbot33justice would think twice about mouthing off if she could be called out on the field of honour.  Besides, wouldn’t Duel Of The Week make for some kickass Reality TV?  Personally, I’d pay money to see Katy Perry and Taylor Swift going at each other with sabres!

Three — Back in the Victorian Era, it was generally agreed that, given half a chance, men — all men — were sexual predators, and women — all women — were too ditsy to be anything more than victims.  Wow! How  times have not changed!  These days, the Hollywood sex scandal is reaching beyond the red carpet to the very heart of — uh — everywhere.  It’s become a witch hunt with real witches (warlocks?) — especially since our society doesn’t distinguish between a dumbass remark and a terrifying assault, and anybody who says we should is branded part of the problem. (I’m pretty sure Matt Damon and Dave Chappelle won’t be getting Oscar invitations any time soon.)  Perhaps it’s time to take direct action and either confine women to their homes — a la most of the Middle East — or bring back that most Victorian of institutions — the chaperone.  And it would be super easy.  Simply make it socially unacceptable for women to go anywhere alone.  This would put a screaming halt to all those she said/he said accusations.  With a third person constantly hovering, men would have to control their primeval sexual urges and women wouldn’t be faced with the overwhelming dilemma of when to leave the room.  Plus, and here’s the best bit, given the amount of male/female interaction in our society, providing chaperones for all the women could become a growth industry.  It would mean employment for all those useless lawyers, social workers, and activists we have kicking around as well as a lot of ordinary people who might be past their prime but are still wise in the ways of masculine wiles.  There could even be a phone App — Chinder.  This is a win/win situation, folks!  Win/win!

Disclaimer:  This is satire.  In reality, I believe that sexual predators should go to jail. I don’t believe women should be confined to their homes, nor do I advocate celebrities (or anybody else) attacking each other with swords.  However, I’m still thinking about Debtor’s Prison.

Out With The Old!

old

It’s a brand new year, time to show a little healthy intolerance for all the crap that has somehow become cool in our world.  This is the stuff we all put up with for no apparent reason — even though most of it is just a pain in the ass.  Here’s a very short list to get started.  (And you’ll be surprised just how good it feels to finally overthrow the tyranny of the mob.)

Loudmouth Vegans — Nobody really cares what you eat (see item #2) but announcing what you won’t eat every five minutes is just being a self-righteous jerk.  Think about it: when a vegan comes to your house for dinner, you serve vegan, but when you go to a vegan’s house for dinner, they never bring out a steak.

Social Media Food Photos — Nobody really cares what you eat.

Selfies — Submitting photographic evidence that you don’t have any friends doesn’t make you interesting.

Tiny Houses — The sun is shining.  Leighton and Bryce are happy.  They just bought a 300 square foot (100 metre) house.  They’re going to live there.  Next winter when the fog, rain, snow, ice and wind come and they have to dismantle the kitchen every time they want to go to the toilet, Leighton and Bryce are going to kill each other.

Torn Clothes — Would somebody please tell rich, white people that the reason they can dress themselves in rags is there’s a bunch of kids in Bangladesh working 14 hours a day in penal servitude?

Roseanne — Resurrecting the Connor family is a gutsy cash grab, but here’s a news flash: the 90s are over, and Dan is dead.

Lena Dunham — She’s the first celebrity to make a career out of apologizing.  However, when she mentioned that she wished she’d had an abortion just so she could know how it feels — well — that kinda tells ya where her mind’s at.

Twitter — Boy, did that little bit of fun go to hell in a hurry!

Hashtag Everything — (see above)

Tattoos — The only reason these middleclass badges are still around is it hurts like hell to get rid of them.

Man Buns — The saddest fashion trend since Hammer Pants swept the neighbourhood.

And finally:

Wearable Apple Crap — Paying a ton of money for a watch that you can barely see — that tells you stuff 99.99% of the people on this planet don’t care about — is living proof that Mr. Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute.