Trending Now — AquaNots

waterThe question is, just who are these so-called AquaNots?  Apparently, AquaNots (media name: not mine) are people who refuse to use water in any form.  They believe that human consumption of water is not only killing our planet’s fish habitat, but, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the Earth’s entire ecosystem.  Sounds legit.  However, based on the information I can find (which isn’t a lot) their practices including not washing their clothes, their dishes, their hair or themselves, not using flush toilets (according to their information sheet, American toilets alone consume 23 billion litres of water every day) not cooking with water, not using water-based products and, in some radical cases, not even drinking water.  Wow!  It sounds  pretty harsh to me, but before we rush to pass judgement, let’s see what the AquaNots have to say for themselves.

“We totally reject the accusation that we are extremist.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Our planet is in crisis, and if people are too stupid to understand that this is the only solution, then they need to be re-educated.

“We want to effect lifestyle change.  We need to end our dependency on the hydro-industrial complex.  Do you know the flush toilet is less than 200 years old?  Obviously, for the vast majority of human existence, people merely squatted in the woods.  We need to bring that natural experience into the 21st century and the urban environment.

“Fashions change so quickly these days it doesn’t make any sense to actually wash your clothes.  We just give our dirty ones to poor people and buy the newest, latest look.  This way, we’re always in style.”

“Eight glasses a day?  I’m laughin’.  People in desert countries don’t drink eight glasses of water a day.  They don’t have any water at all, and they’re always runnin’ around fightin’ and blowin’ shit up.  I seen them on TV all the time, and I’ve never seen them drinkin’ water.”

“It’s all about raising awareness.  An international Aquagarchy controls most of the world’s water, and their corporate profits are fueled by constant in-your-face advertising.  Look around!  Soap, soup, shampoo, tea, coffee, wine, organic gardening, outdoor recreation — I could go on and on — and their subliminal message is always “Use water.”

“Washing dishes is no problem for us.  Normally, we eat fast food and simply throw the wrappers away.  Of course, in the summer, we barbeque a lot and use paper plates.”

“We are definitely tolerant of other points of view, but we refuse to allow flushers and bathers to spread disingenuous information.  They clearly hate our planet and we must stand, as a group, to stop this kind of hate speech.

“We are a growing grassroots organization.  Yes, right now, our membership is mostly from private schools and universities, but we have followers –of all ages — on four continents, and we’re reaching out to get our message to people of less privileged economic backgrounds.”

“Our community has always faced discrimination.  Many of our followers have lost their jobs because of coworkers’ complaints about personal hygiene. We are all working very hard for the day when Mother Nature’s perfume will be accepted in the workplace.”

There you have it.  Make up your own mind.

* Disclaimer
It’s a sad commentary on our times that I have to even write this, but … so be it.
This is a satire.  It is meant to lampoon how genuinely good ideas get hijacked by idiots.  The AquaNots do not exist, and any relationship between them and any real activist group is purely coincidental.

Green Meanies

Remember Yuppies — Young Urban Professionals — that crowd that infested the 70s and 80s?  Like the Politically Correct, nobody ever admitted to being a yuppie, but, for a while they were everywhere.  Do you ever wonder what happened to them?

They’re still with us.  They went back to the mall to spawn, and now they’ve mutated.  Yuppies have become Guppies – Green Urban Professionals — and they’ve had children and even grandchildren.  They’re still the all-consuming ratbags they always were, but now there are three generations of them and they’ve gotten cunning.  They’re using climate change and the death throes of our lonely planet to justify their shopping habits.  They’ve infiltrated environmental groups and they’ve enlisted the media to convince us we can actually buy our way out this mess. 

Let me set the record straight.  Climate Change, Global Warming, Ecological Disaster, etc. etc. is real.  If you’ve got another theory – wonderful – but like it or don’t, something serious is going on, here on planet Earth.  Don’t take my word for it: Google the glacier at Lake Louise in Alberta, Canada.  Now take a look at a picture of it 50 years ago.  Notice the difference?  Duh!  If we don’t figure out what’s happening to this little blue ball we call home pretty quick, we’re going be up to our asses in lukewarm water and poached polar bears.  This is no joke.

Environmental groups have been around forever.  I’m guessing the ancient Egyptians had big problems with people peeing in the Nile.  They’ve always been the canary in the mineshaft – a kind of early warning system – like the Sierra Club, formed in 1892 to make sure Yosemite wasn’t covered in condos by 1992.  In our time, Rachel Carson published Silent Spring in ‘62, a direct warning to clean up our act and our planet or face the consequences.  Unfortunately, the consequences showed up long before most of us had finished reading Chapter 3.  The problem is, environmental groups have been infiltrated by a bunch of Guppies who have hijacked the movement.  (I’m looking at you, Al Gore.)  The first thing they did was bring their winning corporate ways along with them and so turned activism into a money-making proposition.  Make no mistake: there’s big money in saving the planet, and, as everybody knows the key to making money is marketing.  Here’s the Twitter version of a PhD in Marketing – give them a disease, and then sell them the cure.

The disease we’ve been given is Global Warming, recently rebranded as Climate Change.  One of the cures is the biggest retail bonanza since those nice people on Mad Men discovered cigarettes are addictive.  The shelves are literally sagging with new products.  They’re either Green, or Organic, or Energy Efficient, or Environmentally Friendly or yadda, yadda, yadda.   Each is guaranteed to ease the suffering of our guilty conscience.  There’s also a special in-house rebate – you get to recycle (throw away) the old junk you’ve just replaced.  You don’t even have to worry about buyer’s remorse because you’re “helping” the planet by buying Energy Efficient, Environmentally Friendly, etc. etc.

What’s wrong with this picture?  Aside from the scam part, not much.  I’ve seen such incredible items as Green toothpaste, energy efficient leaf blowers (no, it’s not a rake) and my absolute favourite: environmentally friendly Chartered Accountants.  In recent history, Guppies have bought enough useless crap to kill three planets.  I have no fear of toxic waste because, one of these mornings, we’re going to wake up buried in half-used small appliances and smart phones – in a variety of makes and models.

Another “cure” for Climate Change is – surprise! — more activism and its silent partner, the laying of blame.  Guppies have formed aggressive groups who roam the planet, pointing out just how environmentally screwed up the rest of us are.  (Just an aside: have you ever noticed that Environmental Conferences are never held in a place where you can get there on a bus?)  Anyway, these groups have two problems: 1) Guppies don’t know what they’re talking about – they’re urban professionals.  The closest they ever come to getting their hands dirty is visiting the community garden or playing Farmville on Facebook and 2) they’re all off the scale in the Pompous Ass Department, so every time they get an idea, no matter how stupid, they think it’s holy writ.  Individually, these two little items certainly aren’t going to do the environmental movement much good; combined they’re actually harmful.  First of all, we waste tons of time, money and human energy chasing every project that butterflies across the horizon and forget about programs that actually work.  For example, I live in a big city that doesn’t have residential water meters.  Think about it!  And each Guppie pet project, regardless of its merit, is defended like it was the Alamo – more time and energy wasted.  Secondly, their unholy arrogance and unerring ability to point out the flaws in everybody else’s behaviour has pissed off a lot of people.  Some of these are very folks we’re going to need if we’re ever going to fix this unnatural disaster.  Loggers, miners, farmers and factory workers are just ordinary people and they don’t like being pushed around by the big boys at Corporate Ecology.  It makes them reluctant to help with the heavy lifting; especially after they’ve been called every name but nice and compared to Adolf Hitler, Satan and George W Bush.  No wonder the debate is polarized.

In a nutshell, we’re going to have to deal with our Green Urban Professional problem before we can tackle the environment.  Unfortunately, they have pretty powerful friends.

 Friday: Guppies, Government and the Media: the New Axis of Evil