The question is, just who are these so-called AquaNots? Apparently, AquaNots (media name: not mine) are people who refuse to use water in any form. They believe that human consumption of water is not only killing our planet’s fish habitat, but, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the Earth’s entire ecosystem. Sounds legit. However, based on the information I can find (which isn’t a lot) their practices including not washing their clothes, their dishes, their hair or themselves, not using flush toilets (according to their information sheet, American toilets alone consume 23 billion litres of water every day) not cooking with water, not using water-based products and, in some radical cases, not even drinking water. Wow! It sounds pretty harsh to me, but before we rush to pass judgement, let’s see what the AquaNots have to say for themselves.
“We totally reject the accusation that we are extremist. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Our planet is in crisis, and if people are too stupid to understand that this is the only solution, then they need to be re-educated.
“We want to effect lifestyle change. We need to end our dependency on the hydro-industrial complex. Do you know the flush toilet is less than 200 years old? Obviously, for the vast majority of human existence, people merely squatted in the woods. We need to bring that natural experience into the 21st century and the urban environment.
“Fashions change so quickly these days it doesn’t make any sense to actually wash your clothes. We just give our dirty ones to poor people and buy the newest, latest look. This way, we’re always in style.”
“Eight glasses a day? I’m laughin’. People in desert countries don’t drink eight glasses of water a day. They don’t have any water at all, and they’re always runnin’ around fightin’ and blowin’ shit up. I seen them on TV all the time, and I’ve never seen them drinkin’ water.”
“It’s all about raising awareness. An international Aquagarchy controls most of the world’s water, and their corporate profits are fueled by constant in-your-face advertising. Look around! Soap, soup, shampoo, tea, coffee, wine, organic gardening, outdoor recreation — I could go on and on — and their subliminal message is always “Use water.”
“Washing dishes is no problem for us. Normally, we eat fast food and simply throw the wrappers away. Of course, in the summer, we barbeque a lot and use paper plates.”
“We are definitely tolerant of other points of view, but we refuse to allow flushers and bathers to spread disingenuous information. They clearly hate our planet and we must stand, as a group, to stop this kind of hate speech.
“We are a growing grassroots organization. Yes, right now, our membership is mostly from private schools and universities, but we have followers –of all ages — on four continents, and we’re reaching out to get our message to people of less privileged economic backgrounds.”
“Our community has always faced discrimination. Many of our followers have lost their jobs because of coworkers’ complaints about personal hygiene. We are all working very hard for the day when Mother Nature’s perfume will be accepted in the workplace.”
There you have it. Make up your own mind.
* Disclaimer
It’s a sad commentary on our times that I have to even write this, but … so be it.
This is a satire. It is meant to lampoon how genuinely good ideas get hijacked by idiots. The AquaNots do not exist, and any relationship between them and any real activist group is purely coincidental.
In the 21st century, grievance is a growth industry — worth billions — and activists are the new entrepreneurs. All hail the post-industrial economy! However, milking White Privilege has become such a cash cow that’s it’s getting very crowded at the high end of the social justice and awareness trough. To put it bluntly, there are only so many dollars Western society is willing to pay to ease its liberal guilt. So in order to survive, activists are beginning to specialize.
WD Fyfe 