Tag: films

Seriously Trivial!

star warsHere are some things you probably have never thought about:

1 — If you Google “Star Wars movie mistakes” you get over 4 million different websites in 0.38 seconds.  I didn’t scroll through them all, but — wow!  I can’t even imagine the massive number of nerd hours it took to examine all 13 hours and 14 minutes of the Star Wars franchise, frame by frame, and create even one of these.  However, I have seen more than a few smug clouds enveloping the pompous asses who insist on discussing their particular Star Wars, Star Trek or Stargate discoveries.

2 — Rumour has it that the four Indiana Jones movies are chemically-induced hallucinations that Han Solo had when he was frozen in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back.  As if?

3 — There is a fan theory that much of the Disney movie universe is connected.  For example, Elsa and Anna’s father, King Agnarr from Frozen, is thought to be Rapunzel (from Tangled‘s) mother’s brother.  Thus, when he and Queen Iduna were lost at sea, they were on their way to their niece Rapunzel’s wedding to Flynn Ryder.  Furthermore, the storm that sinks their ship off the coast of Africa is the same one that rejuvenates the land in The Lion King, plus the sunken wreck that Ariel explores in The Little Mermaid is that same ship!  Not only that but, Agnarr and Iduna survive the catastrophe, make their way ashore and eventually have a son — Tarzan — Elsa and Anna’s little brother.  This isn’t just idle chatter, like that Han Solo crap.  Much of it is backed up by some pretty substantial circumstantial evidence.

4 — There are hundreds of theories about what’s in the briefcase from Pulp Fiction, but the most enduring is it’s Marcellus Wallace’s soul.

5 — Millions of people want to believe R+L=J, and thousands and thousands of people are working, day and night, to find the clues that prove it.

6 — A lot of people think that originally, Gandalf the Grey, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, had a cunning plan to use the eagles to fly Frodo, Samwise and The Ring directly to Mordor, drop the jewelry into Mount Doom and be back in The Shire by Second Breakfast.  Unfortunately, Gandalf unexpectedly gets his ass kicked by the Belrog in the Mines of Moria, and when he comes back to life as Gandalf the White, he’s forgotten all about it.  And, to many people, Gandalf’s last words to Frodo, “Fly, you fools!” is indisputable proof of this.

7 — I said all this to say we live in an age of relentless entertainment, and our society has become so abundant and benevolent that we can indulge ourselves in it, any time we please — for as long as we please.  Where once entertainment was an occasional escape from grim reality, to many people these days it is their greater reality.  And, like it or not, that has blurred the line between what we treat seriously and what is mere trivia.

How To Write A Horror Movie – 2015

horror movieHallowe’en is nearly upon us, so, from here ’til breakfast on November 1st, we’re up to our elbows in the splattering blood of the Horror Movie.  Personally, I don’t watch horror movies.  I’ve had the hell scared out of me for real, a couple of times, and I’m in no great hurry to have that sickening adrenaline rush artificially induced.  However, I’m clearly in the minority: horror movies are a multi-billion dollar business.

So why not cash in?

Here’s a simple guide that will help you write your own horror movie, and depending on how ambitious you are, take you to the very gates of Horror Movie Heaven: The Slasher Franchise.

SPOILER ALERT (If you watch Horror Movies for the storyline, stop reading right now.)

Character — All Horror movies are based on one single character: the half-naked young woman.  Ideally, you need one Alpha female and a couple of expendable friends.  (We’ll call them The Skanks.)  Don’t sweat the details on the The Skanks — they don’t need anything beyond abnormal cleavage and interesting underwear.  They’re just there to flash a lot of skin, do a little screaming and get butchered early on, to show that the villain/monster/psycho is serious.  The Alpha female, on the other hand, does need some character development — perhaps a name or a hairstyle.
You also need an Alpha male (normally a boyfriend.)  He comes with his own set of male friends — a larger, stronger man and an idiot.  The idiot is there to do stupid stuff that invariably attracts the villain/monster/psycho.  The larger, stronger friend is there to get hacked up somewhere around halftime to prove that the villain/monster/psycho is unstoppable.  And the Alpha male is there to … uh … actually, the Alpha male doesn’t exactly have a job — but again, don’t sweat the details.  The Alpha male should have a name, however, so the Alpha female can scream it on occasion.
Finally, you need a villain/monster/psycho.  This guy REALLY doesn’t matter; all he needs to be is somewhat grotesque and have a steady supply of sharp and/or pointy things to stick into people.

Setting — Someplace so dark and isolated that nobody in their right mind would even think about going there.

Plot — The only plot device in any Horror Movie is everybody in the movie (except the villain/monster/psycho) has to be about as dumb as a box of wet hammers.  First, when confronted by a dark, rambling mansion, deserted campsite, scary island or what-have-you, the characters must ignore common sense completely (stuff like, there’s safety in numbers) and split up and go exploring.  Get out the body bags!  Next, as they creep around dark alleys, hallways, basements, attics or derelict buildings, they must never turn on the lights nor carry anything brighter than a disposable cigarette lighter.  Toe tags, anyone?  And finally, even in the heat of battle, the characters must never arm themselves with anything more dangerous than a toothbrush (which — in a land as gun crazy as America — is a good trick.)  In short, they should show all the survival instincts of a lemming.
Meanwhile, the villain/monster/psycho should be equipped with a variety of hacking, stabbing and slashing devices.  He should be able to wield these ingenious weapons with the stealth and dexterity of a ninja; butchering everything in sight until only the Alpha female and (maybe) the Alpha male remain in one piece.  Then, simply shuffle the villain/monster/psycho off into the darkness, and it’s “roll credits” and you’re outta there!

So there you have it.  All you need to do is write it up.  Or, you can forget the whole thing and go buy some old Archie Comics, piece together a couple of their adventures, add a villain/monster/psycho to massacre a few of them, and you’re halfway to Hollywood.

People Who Go to Movies – Deserve Better

After years of hanging around this planet I’ve discovered that there actually are two kinds of people in the world.  There are people who watch films and people who go to movies.  They’re as different as pigs and porridge.  It really doesn’t matter where you take your cinematic pleasures — in front of a computer screen, at a funky (God, I hate that word) retro theatre, or on the privacy of your own sofa, etc. — the activity itself is basically the same.   There’s you (obviously) the story in front of you and your willing suspension of disbelief.  That’s it.  And it hasn’t changed since Les Freres Lumiere set up shop at the Salon Indien du Grand Cafe in Paris in 1895.  The major difference (and it’s huge) is the attitude people bring to the experience.

Not to be too judgemental, people who watch films are pompous asses.  They think the only reason anybody ever makes a movie, anywhere in the world, is for their personal interpretation at dinner parties.  And although I’d love to get a few kicks in at those folks, I’m going to leave them alone today.  Besides, they’re all hanging out at a couple of International Film Festivals this week.  Probably, they’re impatiently waiting for some name-brand personality (complete with personal assistant, juggling the Swag Bags) to wander by and pontificate on world poverty.  Incidentally, the loot in those bags could lift South Sudan out of the poorhouse tomorrow given half a chance.  So, go in peace, film watchers, but remember, your day is coming.

On the other hand, people who watch movies are fine, upstanding men and women who have fallen on hard times.  In rapid succession, they have seen the demise of cinematography, film editing, screen writing and acting — all killed off by computer-generated special effects.  There are now only four movies left in the universe.   They are, in no particular order, Chase Me, Girl Meets Boy, Kick Me in the Groin and They Came to Talk.  Of course, some would argue that Aren’t They Greedy Bastards?, Yet Another Cartoon and The Flying Guts of Gore (not Al, the other one) are also movies, worthy of mention.  They’re not.  May I point out that the last hand-drawn animated feature was The Lion King circa 1994 – Shrek and Woody are pixel-powered.  Likewise, everybody knows that The Flying Guts of Gore is not filmed around some stunt double’s horrible disembowelment for cinematic realism.  CGIs (computer generated images) are CGIs, regardless of where they appear.  Furthermore, Aren’t They Greedy Bastards? is really only a sub-genre of We’re All Doomed.  And unless you still believe Gilligan was actually on that island, you know We’re All Doomed is nothing more that thinly-veiled propaganda.  In fact, these days the veils are so thin they’re making guys like Josef Goebbels blush.

What’s been happening here is for the last twenty years, movie goers have become so starved for movies – any movies — they are willing to see the same four, over and over again – and pay big bucks for the privilege.  And contemporary movie makers are shameless about it.  Even as we speak, Hollywood has at least thirty re-makes in the works — not including the ones they’ve already done.  For example, Arthur, Conan, Clash of the Titans and The Karate Kid have already disgraced the big screen, and I’m not going to even mention True Grit.  However, I do hope someday somebody ruins a rehashed Fargo, and we’ll see just how pleased the Coen Brothers are about that.  Re-making movies is becoming the raison d’etre for Hollywood.  Believe it or not they’ve remade Footloose, and Logan’s Run and there’s talk of remaking Blade Runner.  Blade Runner! There was even going to be a remake of The Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp as Tonto, but that fell through (probably because they couldn’t get Angelina Jolie to play Lone.)  Eventually the Oscar for original screenplay is going to go to Mack Sennett and Charlie Chaplin for The Little Tramp.

And when Hollywood isn’t regurgitating old movies, they’re overworking the franchise of others.  The minute box office receipts from any movie hit a certain level, hang on to your original merchandise because there’s going to be a sequel, a triquel, and a prequel.  Then, after that they just keep pumping them out.  Things like plot, character and setting simply don’t matter because all they use is the name.  Even the actors get fed up.  Spiderman lost Toby Maguire, Matt Damon quit being Bourne, nobody has a clue who Superman is anymore, and there’ve been enough Batmans (Batmen?) to rival the incarnations of a black belt Buddha.  No wonder he’s all tied up in emotional knots; he doesn’t know who he’s supposed to be — Val Kilmer or Christian Bale.

Of course, the willing suspension of disbelief is strained to the breaking point when actors try to rework characters decades too late.  Harrison Ford and Karen Allen were barely believable in The Crystal Skull, and Lucas and Spielberg are planning an Indiana Jones V.  Think about that!  Plus, they’ve resurrected John McClane for another crack and Die Hard (I hope it’s Die Hard: Once and for all.)  And I never thought I’d say this, but I wish somebody would just kill this current Bond and put him out of my misery.  Jason Statham, where are you?

The real problem is movie makers don’t trust their audience.  They make remakes, sequels to remakes and prequels to sequels of remakes because they think they hear the cash register in known quantities.  They don’t understand that people who go to movies love a good story – witness Slumdog Millionaire.  They might not nerd every detail of the director’s motivation or know all the ins and outs of lighting and camera angles but they do know a ripping good yarn when they see one.   These are the descendents of the people who made Gone with the Wind the highest grossing movie in the world for three decades.  They’re the grandchildren of the folks who went to Bogie movies before he was an icon and the kids of the parents who liked Marlon Brando even after he got fat.  These days movie goers go to schlock ‘cause that’s all there is.  All the good movies are called films and they hide out in Film Festivals.  There’s no chase scene in Lawrence of Arabia, no precocious kid in Casablanca and nobody got chopped to pieces in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  All those movies were shown in regular theatres and ordinary people went to see them.  Today, they’d probably be limited to Sundance or TIFF or some other such place.  People who go to movies deserve better than what they’re currently getting and people who watch films don’t appreciate what they’ve got.