About five years ago, I wrote a piece titled “Why Aliens Won’t Talk To Us.” I trotted out the usual suspects – cricket and crop circles – but our world has come a long way in 5 years, so it’s time for an update.
Unless you flunked out of Math, Science, Stats, Probability, Literature, Philosophy, Biology and Logic — all at the same time — you realize that millions of galaxies, billions of stars and trillions of planets equal a damn good chance that there is intelligent life (besides us) somewhere in the Universe. It just makes sense, right?
So why won’t aliens talk to us?
BTW, Bubba and Bobbi-Sue’s shaky iPhone video of the sun glinting off a Frisbee™ doesn’t constitute alien contact. And — just for the record — aliens probably have better things to do with their time than probe fat guys, lose their skulls in Central America or leave painfully childish clues to their existence for weirdo TV documentary filmmakers to find. (Just sayin’!)
So, with no credible evidence, we must assume that aliens simply don’t want to talk to us. Why?
I think that they think we’re strange. And not just regular isn’t-that-cute strange, either – more like “Mother of God! We need to stay away from those weirdos” strange. Let me give you a few examples:
Our Choice of Beverages – Over 70% of the Earth’s surface is water, an essential ingredient to life, but rather than just drink the stuff and get on, we do things to it. We add sugar to it, we add caffeine, we add carbon dioxide, we add dyes to give it colour, artificial flavour to give it taste and toxic chemicals that we’ve already proven are going to kill us if we ingest them. Then, just to insult our own intelligence completely, we take all that crap out, bottle it and call it healthy. Aliens have to be thinking, “What’s wrong with you people?”
Professional Sports – Games and recreation are an important aspect of intelligent life, but when you’re paying a man more than the GNP of Mali to kick a ball once a week and the guy who scrubs the floor in a hospital minimum wage, something is definitely out of whack. Aliens can sense this stuff.
Tattoos – It must be very confusing to aliens when the same people who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing last year’s fashions are still sporting the same ink they got when they were dating Joshua — three boyfriends ago.
Kanye West and Taylor Swift – When these two are the result of 3 million years of natural selection, aliens must wonder just how much of the human brain is devoted to ego.
Litter – If you were an alien, you’d have to ask yourself, “What kind of intelligent life would promiscuously throw their garbage all over their own planet?”
Crocs – Why would an intelligent species make an indestructible piece of footwear that everybody hates and that looks hideous?
And finally, the real reason aliens don’t wanna talk to us:
Twitter – If aliens are monitoring our social media (which I’m sure they are) they’ve obviously run across Twitter. Think about it! Would you want to communicate with a species whose idea of an intelligent conversation is hurling insults and calling each other nasty names? Seriously, aliens probably take one look at the shitshow on Twitter and say, “Screw it, Zoltran! Let’s go to Mars. They might not have any water, but at least Martians are civil to each other.”