You can read all the philosophers you want, but nobody summed up the meaning of life quite as concisely as Berk Breathed once did in Bloom County. In fact, it was so well done that I cut it out of the newspaper (remember those?) saved it for easy reference, and tried very hard to live by its not-so-subtle advice.
Now, a million years later, my youth a dim memory and my future about to kick in the door, I still marvel at its relevance.
Q E D
I know dis-remember is not a word (hyphenated or otherwise) but it should be. We all know the stuff we learned growing up is true. It has to be. It got us this far. However, as comfortable adults, we tend to forget those little life lessons and just go with the flow. These days that means trying to navigate between the 1,001 feel-good flavours of Facebook and that horde of snarling Twitter trolls who are always out for blood. It’s a dangerous journey — go too far one way and you’ll die of sugar shock; go too far the other and they’ll tear you to ribbons. So, here are a few things most of us have dis-remembered over the years but that we all need — just to keep an even keel in this world.
Saying You’re Sorry Doesn’t Actually Do Anything — There are tons of people who believe “sorry” is a universal talisman that cures all evil. It isn’t. In fact, most times it’s just a quick and dirty way for people to apologize themselves out from underneath any responsibility — after the fact. Try this simple experiment. Step on a bug. Now, say you’re “sorry.” Who feels better? You or the bug?
It’s Not Illegal To Say Yes — Here in the 21st century, it’s hard to believe — but pessimism is not the natural order of things. Sometimes good stuff does happen in our world, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it! People who are constantly trying to find the dark cloud surrounding the silver lining are not profound; they’re just intellectually lazy.
Everybody Is Judgemental And Anyone Who Says They Aren’t Is Lying — We all judge; that is the natural order of things. We assess our surroundings — from the woman who looks like Home Depot did her makeup to the guy who walks as if he’s got a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable — and we catalogue the results. The bottom line is the only creature on this planet who’s never going to judge you is your dog, so if you can’t function without unconditional support, buy a good bra and orthopedic shoes.
There’s Always A Dick Out There Somewhere — On the day you discover you can walk on water, there’s definitely going to be somebody who wants to talk about why you can’t swim!
But I’ve saved the best for last:
The Human Body Has A Best Before Date — Despite what cosmetic companies, fitness companies and a few of our vainer friends tell us, at some point we’re all going to lose our battle with gravity. Eventually, the good bits of even the hottest body all start their journey back to Mother Earth — with various saggy, baggy results. Just because our culture is psychotically obsessed with youth, there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need to remember: the best any of us is ever going to do is surrender slowly.
So far, it looks as if 2018 is just going to be 2017 all over again. What’s wrong with us? Why don’t contemporary solutions ever work? Maybe it’s time we took at look at some of the things we used to get right and resurrect that stuff to tackle our modern problems. Here are a couple of suggestions.
One — Ever since Lee Iacocca went screaming to the U.S. government to bail out Chrysler back in the 1970s, CEOs of some pretty hefty corporations have been getting a free ride. Piles of these guys (it’s usually guys) get hired for beaucoup bucks to run some company and all they do is run it into the ground. Then, when their reckless business practices have practically bankrupted the people they’re supposed to be working for, they walk away with a severance package worth more than the GDP of Haiti! I have one word for these Calvin Klein criminals — Debtor’s Prison. Throw some of these jerks in jail to work off the corporate debts they’ve incurred and they’d probably take a more measured approach to closing facilities and laying off workers. Capitalism would get back to doing what it does best — making money for everybody. And, truth to tell, it would do everybody’s heart good to see some of these fat bastards indulge in a little honest labour.
Two — Once the go-to standard and perfectly acceptable method of settling social disagreements (in 1906, it was an Olympic Event!) dueling has fallen on hard times. These days, defending one’s honour with cold steel is considered barbaric. However, let’s think about it. In the 21st century, our society has become distinctly rude — especially on Social Media. Any idiot with an Internet connection can hurl insults around as if they were confetti at a middleclass wedding — with no fear of repercussions. But how long do you think these Twitter Trolls would last if they were faced with the possibility of looking down the barrel of a high-calibre dueling pistol? Believe me, @kbot33justice would think twice about mouthing off if she could be called out on the field of honour. Besides, wouldn’t Duel Of The Week make for some kickass Reality TV? Personally, I’d pay money to see Katy Perry and Taylor Swift going at each other with sabres!
Three — Back in the Victorian Era, it was generally agreed that, given half a chance, men — all men — were sexual predators, and women — all women — were too ditsy to be anything more than victims. Wow! How times have not changed! These days, the Hollywood sex scandal is reaching beyond the red carpet to the very heart of — uh — everywhere. It’s become a witch hunt with real witches (warlocks?) — especially since our society doesn’t distinguish between a dumbass remark and a terrifying assault, and anybody who says we should is branded part of the problem. (I’m pretty sure Matt Damon and Dave Chappelle won’t be getting Oscar invitations any time soon.) Perhaps it’s time to take direct action and either confine women to their homes — a la most of the Middle East — or bring back that most Victorian of institutions — the chaperone. And it would be super easy. Simply make it socially unacceptable for women to go anywhere alone. This would put a screaming halt to all those she said/he said accusations. With a third person constantly hovering, men would have to control their primeval sexual urges and women wouldn’t be faced with the overwhelming dilemma of when to leave the room. Plus, and here’s the best bit, given the amount of male/female interaction in our society, providing chaperones for all the women could become a growth industry. It would mean employment for all those useless lawyers, social workers, and activists we have kicking around as well as a lot of ordinary people who might be past their prime but are still wise in the ways of masculine wiles. There could even be a phone App — Chinder. This is a win/win situation, folks! Win/win!
Disclaimer: This is satire. In reality, I believe that sexual predators should go to jail. I don’t believe women should be confined to their homes, nor do I advocate celebrities (or anybody else) attacking each other with swords. However, I’m still thinking about Debtor’s Prison.
WD Fyfe 