Tag: media

Seriously Trivial!

star warsHere are some things you probably have never thought about:

1 — If you Google “Star Wars movie mistakes” you get over 4 million different websites in 0.38 seconds.  I didn’t scroll through them all, but — wow!  I can’t even imagine the massive number of nerd hours it took to examine all 13 hours and 14 minutes of the Star Wars franchise, frame by frame, and create even one of these.  However, I have seen more than a few smug clouds enveloping the pompous asses who insist on discussing their particular Star Wars, Star Trek or Stargate discoveries.

2 — Rumour has it that the four Indiana Jones movies are chemically-induced hallucinations that Han Solo had when he was frozen in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back.  As if?

3 — There is a fan theory that much of the Disney movie universe is connected.  For example, Elsa and Anna’s father, King Agnarr from Frozen, is thought to be Rapunzel (from Tangled‘s) mother’s brother.  Thus, when he and Queen Iduna were lost at sea, they were on their way to their niece Rapunzel’s wedding to Flynn Ryder.  Furthermore, the storm that sinks their ship off the coast of Africa is the same one that rejuvenates the land in The Lion King, plus the sunken wreck that Ariel explores in The Little Mermaid is that same ship!  Not only that but, Agnarr and Iduna survive the catastrophe, make their way ashore and eventually have a son — Tarzan — Elsa and Anna’s little brother.  This isn’t just idle chatter, like that Han Solo crap.  Much of it is backed up by some pretty substantial circumstantial evidence.

4 — There are hundreds of theories about what’s in the briefcase from Pulp Fiction, but the most enduring is it’s Marcellus Wallace’s soul.

5 — Millions of people want to believe R+L=J, and thousands and thousands of people are working, day and night, to find the clues that prove it.

6 — A lot of people think that originally, Gandalf the Grey, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, had a cunning plan to use the eagles to fly Frodo, Samwise and The Ring directly to Mordor, drop the jewelry into Mount Doom and be back in The Shire by Second Breakfast.  Unfortunately, Gandalf unexpectedly gets his ass kicked by the Belrog in the Mines of Moria, and when he comes back to life as Gandalf the White, he’s forgotten all about it.  And, to many people, Gandalf’s last words to Frodo, “Fly, you fools!” is indisputable proof of this.

7 — I said all this to say we live in an age of relentless entertainment, and our society has become so abundant and benevolent that we can indulge ourselves in it, any time we please — for as long as we please.  Where once entertainment was an occasional escape from grim reality, to many people these days it is their greater reality.  And, like it or not, that has blurred the line between what we treat seriously and what is mere trivia.

Women VS Girls

jessicaI like women.  The problem is, they seem to have disappeared.  The nom de guerre of 21st Century female might be “badass bitch” but the poster child is — unfortunately — a girl.  Look around!  The media’s obsession with youth has produced this strange caricature of women that, at best, defies reality and, at worst, is just laughable.  These days, the feminine ideal has been distilled down to an uneven blend of  Bella Swan and Sailor Moon.  After that, it’s a megaleap to Meryl Streep and Maggie Smith.  There’s nothing in between.

Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst and Kristen Bell are all well into their 30s, but they remain “girls” in the movies they make.  Elizabeth Taylor played Cat on a Hot Tin Roof when she was 26.  These “older women” are just too candy-cane sweet to even attempt that.  The only one of the current thirtysomethings bunch who might do justice to Maggie is Scarlett Johansson, but she’s too busy being a skin-tight Black Widow in the Marvel™ universe.

Lauren Bacall was 20 when she played Slim in To Have and Have Not, and she didn’t look the least bit out of place next to Humphrey Bogart.  Audrey Hepburn was 25 when she played Sabrina.  Vivien Leigh was in her 20s when she was Scarlett O’Hara, and Ava Gardner was 24 as Kitty Collins in The Killers.  All of these characters were women, not girls.

In contrast, for example, nobody thinks it’s the least bit odd that Amy Adams was in her 30s when she harnessed on the ball gown to play a looking-for-love Disney Princess in Enchanted.  BTW, I’m not ragging on Amy Adams — she pulled it off.  My point is, why are grown women always expected to act like girls, these days?  And they are: even when their characters are long past the age of consent.

I understand times have changed in 60 years.  People are different.  We see gender roles differently and extended adolescence is an integral part of our society.  However, I think it’s pretty strange that we don’t let female actresses act their age until they’re old enough to be somebody’s grandma.

Say what you like about sexism in Hollywood back in the day; at least women were allowed to be grownups!

elizabeth taylor

What We Learn From The Movies

movieMack Sennett, one of the greatest directors ever (over 1,000 films) believed that movies were just an excuse for a chase scene, and for a hundred years, Hollywood directors lived (and died) by this credo.  Fortunately, today we live in a far more sophisticated age, and contemporary audiences are not sucked in by such tricks.  These days, movies are complex windows into the human condition.  They show us our world without cheap cinematic varnish.  With that in mind, here are a few truths we have learned from recent movies, especially the Action/Adventure features, which, btw, have always been a box office favourite.

Detectives, firemen, Special Forces personnel, Forest Rangers and Boy Scouts all have a sordid past.  This has left them jaded, sleepy, slightly constipated and somewhat saddened by that condition.  They live alone, mainly in squalor and even though they have maximum trouble relating to women (past, present and future) are not gay (at least, not overtly.)

Evil men are good looking, usually corporation rich, have impeccable taste, beautiful wives and/or girlfriends but despite being highly intelligent, always surround themselves with some of the stupidest henchmen in history.

All Assistant District Attorneys, world-renowned scientists, cryptographers, secretaries and American Vice Presidents wear push-up bras.

Dumb-ass sidekicks are always smart enough not to get caught by evil men or their stupid henchmen.

The deadliest marksmen in the world will always miss the first shot and then go nuts, spraying bullets around like they’re throwing pennies to the poor.

And speaking of which, bullets love plate glass windows.

When confronted with evil, men will have body armour, guns, knives, grenades, poison darts, a jousting lance, nunchucks, assorted landmines, two bazookas and a small tank readily available. Their female companions, however, will have a thong, high heels, that push-up bra again and a butter knife.

High speed car chases always occur in congested urban areas where normal commute times are measured in days and itmovie1 would take you or me somewhere between 20 minutes and 2 hours to make a left turn.

Men can successfully fend off five, six, ten, two hundred or more determined attackers, but when faced with a feisty female in a love-tap play fight, they will drop like somebody shot them.

When fleeing an explosion, if you run as fast as you can, you will get flung into the air and bounced on the ground like a rag doll.  However, if you just calmly walk away you will not be touched.

After having sex, women are normally naked, whereas men usually have their underwear on.

Hand guns prefer to be just out of reach.

Villains never just shoot detectives, firemen, Special Forces personnel, Forest Rangers or Boy Scouts as soon as they catch them but always take a few quality moments to reveal and outline their nefarious plans.

When you hear subtle North African music, innocent North Americans are going to die.

Men can be hit by a train, dragged behind a speeding motorcycle, trampled by a herd of panicking wildebeests and beaten senseless by sixty blood-crazed Shaolin monks, but will only wince when a female dabs their wounds with a Kleenex.

All old buggers are grouchy, but like prostitutes and crack addicts, normally have a heart of gold.

Any criminal investigation, including parking tickets, will eventually end up at a strip club, a seedy bar or a scuzzy hotel.

So, what have we learned?

After over a hundred years of movie making, audiences are no longer fooled by cheap theatrics.  They demand more from their entertainment dollar than a series of phony chase scenes.  They want sophisticated storylines and complex characters.  But mostly they want a true reflection of the world they live in, portrayed with realism and intelligence.  Just take a look at Argo.  Last year, it won an Academy Award for Best Picture.