What It Takes To Make A Mom!


You really can’t talk about mom without getting all squishy — especially less than 48 hours before her special day.  But, let’s face it: there have to be some moms out there who aren’t worth the name.  Mothers who, for some reason, flunked out of Mom School and are just totally bad at the job.  We’ve all met them, but for the most part, we give them a free pass because mom is the toughest occupation in history.  The truth is, although any woman can be a biological mother, it takes an exceptional person to be a mom.  Here are just a few examples of what it takes to be a mom.  I’m sure there are others.

Moms know when to shut up. – Good day/bad day, headache, massive gastric distress or bird poop on her favourite jacket: it doesn’t matter what kind of a crappy day a mom is having; she will always set it aside to listen to your problems.

Moms knows when to look the other way. – Whether it’s a pile of unattended toys or a “No, mom.  I’m just tired,” teenage hangover, moms realize that not everything is etched in stone.  We all do stupid stuff growing up (and keep doing it when we’re adults) but moms have an uncanny ability to overlook things that are not worth looking at.

Moms understand food. – Even in the 21st century, when traditional mom stuff is being attacked on all sides, food is still hardwired into a mom’s DNA.  She knows how much is too much ice cream, why Brussels Sprouts are verboten at Thanksgiving, and which pizza cures a broken heart.  Sometimes it’s a favourite dessert, sometimes strategically placed leftovers or sometimes just tea on a lonely afternoon, but all moms use food like a culinary antibiotic.

Moms are always first. – Moms might sometimes be the first one to point out where you screwed up (normally for your own good?) but they’re always the first to defend your sorry ass when you do.

Moms know the difference. – Legend has it that moms can identify their child’s cry from across a playground.  Maybe.  But the truth is moms can instinctively tell which blood curdling scream is a medical emergency and which one is a candidate for a hug and a Band-Aid.  This only gets better with age, BTW, so what you might believe is a life-ending divorce your mom knows is only a minor detour on the road to grandchildren.

But the most important thing that makes a mother a mom is:

Moms never give up. – The difference between a mom and Davy Crockett at the Alamo is – uh – nothing!  No matter how many years it takes, your mom is going to be the last mom standing between you and the cold world.  You may have been crossing the street by yourself for 40 years, but every time you do it, your mom is worried that you didn’t look both ways.  A mom never tires, never wavers and never takes a day off.  She knows you better than anyone else on the planet – warts and all.  And she might not say it every time; she might not show it every time; she might not even think it every time; but from before you’re even born, she always has your best interests at heart – every time.

Mother’s Day — And Mom Wars!

mother's daySunday is Mother’s Day, and for one brief shining moment, we’re going to be up to our elbows in flowers, chocolates and long-distance phone calls.  But it’s not all knickknacks and Netflix for mom this year.  Unfortunately, in recent history, our annual binge of maternal appreciation has taken on a darker tone.  Running just under the radar, there’s a dirty little war going on.  Moms everywhere are forming alliances, and across Social Media and the blogosphere, they’re speaking out.  Wrapped in their all-too-altruistic concern for better parenting, they’re sending each other one unequivocal message: “Hey, bitch!  You’re doing it wrong!”

Nobody knows who cast the first nasty, but it’s generally agreed that by the time Stay-at-Home Moms went public with their concerns over Working Moms’ lack of maternal instincts, the gloves were already off.  Working Moms responded by mentioning that all women face choices and some choose to utilize their additional talents to balance two jobs well, rather than one badly.  Seeing an opportunity, Hover (Helicopter?) Moms worried that downloading parental responsibility to institutions such as Daycare tears apart the natural genetic bond between mother and child.  At that point, Non-biological Moms, stung by the innuendo, pointed out that historically their image had been tarnished by fairytale depictions of the evil stepmother.  They went on to blame corporate giant Disney for perpetuating this stereotype.  Seizing an opportunity, Gay and Lesbian Moms declared their support for Non-biological Moms but wanted to raise awareness that they, too, had been victimized by Disney and called for a boycott of the corporate giant.  New Moms saw this as a direct attack on their own recent history and (while maintaining their tolerance for sexual orientation) wanted to know what was wrong with giving children positive role models like Elsa, Merida and Belle.  This was when Organic Moms and New Age Moms came together to admonish the film industry for not providing healthy snacks in movie theatres.  They went on to showcase several hundred DIY, chemical-free recipes for children and the whole family.  This resulted in an angry outburst from Single Moms who said they didn’t have the time or the money to grow their own oranges and quinoa, and somebody should get real for Christ’s sake.  Designer Moms immediately called for tolerance and voiced their concern that being a mom was all about parenting, not politics and (according to Criada, the nanny) free-range quinoa was available several places on the other side of town.  Free-Range Moms, upon hearing the words “free-range,” grabbed their kids, who had been playing in the backyard, and hid them in the basement, in fear that the cops and social services would come and take them away.

This is only the briefest synopsis and, no, it’s not pretty.  Personally, I live in hope that this Mother’s Day, moms all over the world will stop, take three deep breaths, forget their differences, and remember that all moms have one overwhelming thing in common: at some point, they didn’t practice safe sex.