I Call Bullshit

We live in desperate times when the combination of an omnipotent social media and slipshod education has produced a generation whose philosophical IQ is measured out in clichés.  I call bullshit!  Let me demonstrate with a random selection of the trite musings running around the Internet these days.

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The meek shall inherit the Earth — Yeah, I know it’s biblical, but in 2017 some Wall Street investment broker with a roomful of lawyers is going to contest the will.

Age is only a number — You ever notice the people spouting this nonsense are all under 35?

That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger — Clearly, whoever thought this one up was never hit by a bus.  When they haul you away from that little mishap, you’ll wish to hell the bus hadda finished the job.

White Privilege — Why am I being arbitrarily profiled because my ancestors happen to come from Northern Europe?  We have a name for people who judge other people by their racial ancestry. . . .

Everything happens for a reason — Do you really think the universe cares if you fall down the stairs?  Google Copernicus, ya moron!

Do what you love and the money will follow — I want to see the person who’s going to pay me to eat Doritos™, drink Pepsi™ and binge-watch Netflix™.

Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans — This is nothing more than a bad excuse for never making any plans in the first place.

You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow — You’re at a bus stop on a deserted highway.  It’s 9:30 at night and pissin’ down rain.  You haven’t seen a bus, a car, a person or a stray dog in over an hour.  Three bikers pull up and ask for your wallet.  Oh, look!  There’s the rainbow!

If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade — This might be true if life also handed you a pitcher, some water, sugar and something to stir it all with, and — BTW — one lemon isn’t going to make very much lemonade.

And finally:

Money isn’t everything/Money can’t buy happiness — I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: take a wild guess which one I prefer.

Stupid People Declare War!

stupid peopleI’m starting to think stupid people have declared war on me.  In the last month, I’ve had three conversations that defy the laws of reasonable behaviour, and as Goldfinger once said to James Bond, “Once is happenstance.  Twice is coincidence.  Three times is enemy action.”  Could it be that stupid people have finally realized I’ve been making fun of them for years and have decided to fight back?  It looks like it.

I’ve already recounted my experience at the computer store, last week.  I’m probably prevented by law from talking about the exchange I had at Motor Vehicles, but here is the final straw that happened at a coffee shop (not a mega-brand multi-national, BTW) where I was just trying to waste some time while my ride was at the doctor.  (Again, believe it or don’t, this actually happened.)

The sign read:“Please wait to be seated”  Oops! The price of the coffee just got a little pricier.

“Hell-o.” said the girl with the judgmental smile

“Can I just get a coffee?”

“To go?”

“To stay

“We have a minimum charge during the afternoon.”

“How much?”

“$4.75”

“No worries”

“Would you like a menu?”

“No, just coffee.  Large Americano.”

“There’s a minimum charge.  $4.75.  Large Americano is only $3.99 plus tax.”

“Right.  I’ll just give you the other 75 cents — plus tax if you like.”

“We can’t do that.  It has to be a menu item.”

“Just charge me $4.75 for the coffee.  What’s the problem?”

“We can’t do that.  The cash register is coded.  It only accepts menu items.”

At this point I’m a little frustrated but still reasonable. If the computer says I can’t have a large Americano, and the chick with the judgmental smile is thinking, “Why doesn’t this old bugger just go away?” who am I to rock the boat?  However, defiantly, I sit down — $4.75 or no $4.75.

“Let’s do this: forget the large Americano.  Why don’t we …”

“I’m not trying to be a bitch.  It’s our manager’s policy so people don’t just order a small coffee and sit here all afternoon.”

Exactly my scam, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

“Fair enough.  I don’t think you’re a bitch.  It’s okay.  Let’s  not worry about the large Americano.  Just give me two medium Americanos.  Alright: that’s $2.99 — twice — problem solved.”

The judgmental girl held up two fingers.

“That’s…”

I can see her doing the calculations in her head.

… $9.50 (slight pause) plus tax.”

“No, $2.99 which is 3 dollars.  Right?  (big pause) Times two (even bigger pause) is six dollars.”

The judgmental girl was clearly losing her cool and started speaking to the old fella in front of her as if he was deaf, half blind, mostly stupid and had just escaped from “The Home.”

“Our minimum charge is $4.75.  $3.99 for a large Americano isn’t enough money.  It isn’t enough.  $2.99 is even less.”

“But I’m ordering two.”

“I didn’t make the policy.  My manager says ‘Our minimum charge from noon to five is $4.75.’  Here: it’s printed right on the menu.  That’s $4.75 and $4.75 (counting on her fingers) which is $9.50.”

I couldn’t help myself.

“Plus tax.”

“Plus tax.  Yes.  Okay.”

“Okay, you win.  Give me a medium Americano (big bad look from the judgmental girl) to go.”

Sigh of relief from both of us.

“I’m sorry.  It’s our manager’s policy.  I just work here.  I have to do what they tell me to.”

“No problem.  I totally understand.”

——————————

At this point, the score is Stupid People: 3 — WD Fyfe: 0.

I’ll keep you posted.

Stupid Stuff

stupidOne of the reasons our society is so relentlessly “slouching towards Bethlehem” is that we are surrounded by stupid stuff.  I’m not talking about Slinky stupid or Jason (Justin?) Bieber useless; I’m talking about real WTF stuff that makes you shake your head like a paint mixer.  Here are just a few examples:

1 – Camping
We have had ten millennia of invention, innovation and engineering whose sole purpose was (and still is) to put a wall between us and Mother Nature, who has a nasty tendency to beat up her children with rain, wind, heat, snow, tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes etc. etc. etc.  So, why is camping considered fun-time recreation?  The truth is: camping is just a very, very expensive way to pretend you’re homeless.

2 – Crotchless Panties
These are neither fish nor fowl.  They’re not underwear — obviously — and lingerie is supposed to entice, nor reveal.  So, what have you actually got?  Funny looking!  I don’t know anybody (male or female) who feels remotely sexy around crotchless panties.  Besides, although I have no personal experience, they can’t be comfortable.

3 – YouTube Advertisements
Is there anybody on this planet who doesn’t click “Skip Ad” the nanosecond it shows up?

4 – Camouflage clothing
Unless you’re military personnel, and thus forced to wear it, camo clothing is not a fashion option.  Here’s the deal: you’re sitting at a Starbucks on 49th Avenue.  We can see you — clearly.

5 – Golf
I literally have nothing to say.

6 – Decaffeinated Coffee
Like low-fat ice cream and non-alcoholic beer, decaf coffee kinda defeats the purpose.  We drink coffee for the caffeine: that’s why we drink it.  If you want to avoid caffeine, maybe you shouldn’t drink this hot beverage in the first place.  Honestly, drinking decaf coffee is like going to a whore for a hug.

7 – Bottled Water
We live in a society where, with one flick of the wrist, we have enough free water to take out that Pharaoh who was chasing Moses. (That’s hot and cold, 24/7 BTW.)  Entire apartment complexes get flooded because some moron forgets (FORGETS!) to turn off the bath water.  We have so much water available to us gratis, we pee in it.  Why, under any circumstances, would anybody buy it?

8 – Miniature Doberman Pinschers
Doberman Pinschers are a noble animal.  They are friendly, brave, fierce when provoked and loyal to a fault.  They make great pets.  However, shrink them down to the size of a chicken, and all you’ve got are evil mice.

9 – Mimes
Outside France, nobody likes mimes.  These guys are the Ebola of the entertainment world.  No bar, tavern, nightclub or cantina has ever promoted Mime Monday, for example.  That would just be a good way to empty the joint.  Mimes are just a little bit icky, and that whole leotard thing is close enough to  obscene to warrant the name.Mime

And this is just the tip of the iceberg!