Tom Hiddleston, You Ignorant Slut!

Tom HiddlestonFirst of all, I think Tom Hiddleston is a brilliant actor.  He’s played Cassio, Coriolanus and Henry V.  After his portrayal of Loki stole the Avengers’ franchise out from under the good guys — Tony Stark and Captain America — he became the Internet’s  boyfriend.  After The Night Manager, he literally kicked Idris Elba off the top spot in the Who’s The Next Bond Sweepstakes.  In some circles, Q had already given him the keys to the Aston Martin.  Wow!  What a difference a couple of months make!  As of today, Hiddleston’s screen cred is lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.  What happened?  Taylor Swift.

For some unknown reason, Hiddleston dropped himself into the Taylor Swift propaganda machine, and from the looks of things, he’s not exactly struggling to get out.  Tom! Tom! Tom! What were you thinking?  Taylor Swift has built a multi-million dollar business out of dumping boyfriends and then selling the soundtrack to the emotional carnage, in a fauxmance frenzy worthy of Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (FYI, it took Ms. Gabor 99 years to amass 8 exes.  Swift has 7 and she’s only 26!)  The brutal truth is Ms. Swift is either the Humpty Dumpty of love or there’s something very cold and calculating going on here.  My money’s on B.  Swift’s life reads too much like a season of The Young and the Ruthless to be anything but fake.  My God!  Calvin Harris’ side of the bed wasn’t even cold when Swift’s Promo Team started feeding “improv pix” of Tom and Taylor to social media under the newly-coined #Hiddleswift.  I know romance never sleeps, but even Bluebeard took a day off, once in a while!

Of course, celebs change partners the way the rest of us change our socks, so it’s no big deal … but…  the problem is Hiddleston would have made a really good James Bond.  Unfortunately, Bond is suave, he’s smart, he’s sophisticated, he prefers women and would never even consider dating the Queen of the Tweenies — no matter how coldblooded her marketing plan was.  Swift’s persona is just way too Barbie for Bond — half the sexy/twice the plastic.  But more importantly, Bond wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a dickie “I ‘HEART’ T.S.!” tank top.  That’s the fashion equivalent of an Adam Sandler fart joke.  Nothing is ever going to erase that image from the retinas of Bond fans.

So you blew it, Tom! You’re never going to be James Bond now.  But think of it this way: in six months or so, the whole world’s going to know what a bastard you are.  You see, Swift hasn’t put out an album in over two years, so she’s about due to release her next “kiss and yell” recording.  And I have a feeling you’re going feature prominently in it.

Good luck with that.