Predicting the future has been a money-maker since before Nostradamus scammed the pants off Catherine de Medici. The Greeks loved their oracles and the Romans specialized in reading entrails (which is a polite way of saying “Ewwww!”) So what the hell! It’s a new year and here are my predictions for 2016.
After “Grumpy Cat’s” animated dance against Climate Change goes viral on Facebook (over 1 million “Likes”) Mother Nature will finally realize the power of Social Media and quit dickin’ around with the weather.
In a surprise move, Michelle Obama will enter the race for President of the United States. Faced with another uber-cool, unbeatable Obama, Hillary Clinton will turn her back on politics, and in a fit of wild frustration, haul Bill out of his New York office and literall beat the livin’ crap outta him in the middle of 6th Avenue!
Vladimir Putin will launch himself into space on a Soyuz rocket fuelled entirely by his own ego.
In a rare show of solidarity, university students across the North America will declare that their university campuses are now “safe places.” They will go on to lock all the libraries until they can appoint a student committee brave enough to actually read the disturbing ideas written there.
China will cut down its last tree but will be applauded by environmentalists everywhere when they announce they’re going to build the world’s largest artificial forest made entirely of recycled wood fiber.
TMZ, E! and Buzzfeed will report that Kanye West smiled, but upon further investigation, it will turn out to be a cruel hoax.
Caitlyn Jenner will hold a press conference to say she’s tired of living a lie and admit she’s actually an undercover agent for a shadowy organization called The Patriarchy.
At their annual convention, the National Rifle Association will cease to exist when a lively debate on how to combat gun control turns deadly.
At this year’s Oscars, Sean Penn will reveal he has had the stick surgically removed from his ass but will be completely upstaged when, after years of trying, Johnny Depp finally achieves Maximum Cool and bursts into flames.
In an exclusive interview with Fox News, Donald Trump will state that his favourite book (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) is The Boys From Brazil. Later, he will admit he hasn’t coloured all the pictures yet.
The Mars Rover will transmit some amazing pictures of an Aussie backpacker trying to bum a ride.
Tired of all the accusations, FIFA will announce that Russia’s 2018 World Cup Final victory will be absolutely free of corruption.
ISIS will suffer a devastating blow when five of its seven leaders die laughing at the West’s latest comprehensive plan to stop international terrorism.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (Brangelina) will buy Burundi and legally adopt everybody living there.
And finally:
The European Union will abandon the Euro and go back to the barter system. Within a month, Greece will announce it has spent all its chickens and demand Germany return the poultry they ate during World War II.
Happy New Year and Good Luck
WD Fyfe 