What the hell’s going on? It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper. If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children. She’s not. Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 …. Hey! Do I detect a pattern, here?? Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky. So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Sit back, relax and have a laugh. It can’t hurt.
What do I want played at my funeral? Rugby! – Goodbear
My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson
People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy
I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart
In his job, my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore
Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr
Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre. That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison
Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words? “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar. – Goose
I’ve tried online dating. If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton
Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre. Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix
Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick
I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott
A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith
Crime in a multi-storey car park. That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine
I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox
I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel
Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King
I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess
Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell
I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney
And finally: Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.
I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.
I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.
I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.