Month: March 2021

I Have Questions – 2021

On Tuesday, I took a look at a few facts.  However I still have questions.  Here they are.

How come they don’t make mouse-flavored cat food?

How does anybody even know what the unwritten rules are?

Is taking a nap the human equivalent of rebooting a computer?

Was the Moon invaded by aliens on July 20th 1969?

Why are tobacco companies trying to kill their best customers?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a masochist tells you to hit them, should you say no?

Do you need to tune bagpipes?

Why does everybody know about secret societies?

If you’re a vegan who does Crossfit, which one should you mention first?

What happens if you take a survival course and don’t pass?

How important do you have to be to be assassinated instead of just murdered?

How come they charge you more for extra stuff on your hamburger but don’t reduce the price when you don’t want pickles?

Can Mars even have earthquakes?

In France, when people order toast, what do they get?

If it’s illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If a genie can only grant you three wishes, why doesn’t anybody ever wish for more genies?

In prison, do murderers laugh at attempted murderers because they didn’t get it right?

How come they make cars that can go twice as fast as the legal speed limit?

Why don’t psychics win all the lotteries?

And here are two of my favourites (even though they’re not mine)

Is today just the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday?

If you try to fail — and succeed — what did you just do?

Just The Facts! 2021

Back in the day, we had something called facts.  They were amazing little immutable things that helped us figure out what was actually going on in the world.  They separated the truth from the bullshit and gave us an anchor on reality.  Those days are gone.  In the 21st century, facts are an endangered species.  We kinda prefer spin to the truth.  After all, it’s a lot easier to simply accept ideas than spend valuable Netflix time thinking about them.  Unfortunately, we’ve gotten to the point where we’re putting so much spin on the truth that even Meghan Markle’s getting dizzy.  But don’t despair.  Facts still exist, although they’re surprisingly hard to find.  Here are a few I’ve managed to ferret out.

The first birthday present you were ever given is your name.

If you’re trying to fall asleep, you have to pretend you’re asleep first – and sneak up on it.

More Americans have had sex with Taylor Swift than have died of Ebola.

You can’t burn anything twice.

Humans can’t actually “bite down” on anything.  The jaw is hinged the other way.  In order to move your top teeth down you have to move your whole head.  Try it!

(You just tried it, didn’t you?)

You can’t keep your eyes open when you sneeze unless you consciously decide you’re going to keep your eyes open when you sneeze — before you do it.

Somebody on this planet has eaten more kale than anybody else and should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

If you say something is “indescribable,” you have, in fact, described it.

The make-believe CGI streetlights in video games are actually using electricity so you can see them.

There is only one possible way that the original moon landing was fake:  if it wasn’t filmed on location.

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.  Face it, folks!  It’s just sex.

And finally, one philosophical little gem:

For the rest of your life, you’re never going to be as young as you are at this exact moment.

Random Thoughts – This Week

Today, I’m here — clinging to a dead horse.  I swore, by all that’s holy, I was going to let it go, but I just can’t resist one more kick at the can.  (And, truth be told, it probably won’t be the last one, either.)  So here are a couple of random thoughts about the 3-ring circus our world has recently gotten itself into.

“Hey!  Pepe Le Pew!  No means no!  You deserve to get “cancelled,” ya smelly bugger!  And don’t think you can play the sex addict card either: that isn’t even a real thing.  You’re giving Frenchmen all over the world a bad name with your stupid beret and your phony Charles Boyer accent.  You’re just lucky that little cat doesn’t know the Roadrunner.  You wouldn’t be quite so frisky with an Acme anvil dropped on your ass.  Get some help, ya perv!”

On a more serious note.  Now that the book burners are lighting the torches again, maybe it’s time we pulled Ray Bradbury out of the hat.  After all, he warned us this would happen — back in 1953 (at the height of the McCarthy era witch hunts, BTW) when he wrote Fahrenheit 451.  But he also offered a solution.  In his novel, when the world goes crazy and starts banning burning books, the Resistance realizes the futility of talking sense to these nutbars and simply hides the books they’re trying to ban burn.  Then they secretly memorize them so they can’t/won’t be destroyed by the flames of ignorance.  Cool idea, huh?  So, if you or your child have a favourite book, jump up right now, and hide it!  And here’s the good bit: Dr. Seuss books are really easy to memorize.  I’ve already done Green Eggs and Ham – just in case the vegans start cutting up rough.

Finally, when I see the protestors on the streets in Belarus, Myanmar and Poland, my thoughts go to the bravery of Meghan Markle.  She, too, found herself in peril when she and her family were forced to flee – uh – Canada.  “It’s not safe; it’s not secure” was what Harry told Oprah Winfrey.  One can only imagine the panic the two of them (and little Archie) must have felt, trapped in a country as dangerous as – uh – Canada.  Frankly, I didn’t realize my country was so unsafe (We use “Sorry!” as a personal greeting here) but it must be quite the hellhole if the mean streets of Los Angeles look good in comparison.  Luckily, they somehow managed to get to a private jet and escape before tragedy struck, but it must have been an emotional ordeal. 

On a more personal note — and just to set the record straight — it was the Canadian taxpayer (people like moi) who paid the bill for your security in Canada before you told the Queen to take a hike, Ms. Windsor-Mountbatten.  A thankyou would have been nice.

See ya next week!