Month: March 2021

Conspiracy In The Suez Canal

Last Tuesday, a cargo ship, the Ever Given, got stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.  Weird, huh?  Anyway, the result was a gridlock of hundreds of other cargo ships that couldn’t get past the stranded vessel.  It was a transportation nightmare that halted international commerce in all directions.  Apparently, the accident was caused by a sandstorm, high winds and a couple of teeny-tiny human errors – or, at least, that’s the story we got.  These days, however, between propaganda, spin and out-and-out fake news, it’s hard to take anything at face value – even what looks like a perfectly legitimate accident.  Luckily, we have the Internet and Social Media to guide us.  Here are several spurious explanations of just exactly what the truth is about the good ship Ever Given. 

1 — It’s obvious that this is a covert attempt by the Canadian government to disrupt international shipping.  Canada has spent millions developing the so-called “Northern Sea Route” from Asia to Europe across the Arctic Circle.  However, they needed an “incident” to force the multi-nationals to consider alternative trade routes.  The so-called “experts” haven’t thought of this because Canadians seems so friendly and nice.    

2 — I think it’s awfully interesting that March 23, the day the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, is the same day that Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Union in 1919 and Adolf Hitler became the dictator of Germany in 1933.  Coincidence?  Alt-right conspiracy?  You decide!  

3 — If you read between the lines, this is hard evidence that Global Warming is a hoax.  If sea levels are rising — as Greta Thunberg and the environmentalists claim — there would have been more than enough water in the Suez Canal to refloat the Ever Given.  Obviously, that didn’t happen.  Obviously, sea levels are NOT rising.  Obviously, Global Warming is a hoax.  Do your homework, people!

4 — Trump did it.

5 — The Ever Given ran aground on 23-3-21 (3-23-21 in America.)  The last three numbers are clearly a 3-2-1 countdown to the end of the world.  Plus, if you look up Revelation 3:21 in the Bible, you find:

“To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.”

I think this message is pretty clear to anybody who is willing to see it.  Amen!

6 — I saw a YouTube video that shows a man identified as the captain of the Ever Given receiving a large envelope from another man who looks suspiciously like Prince William.  Undoubtedly, the British Royal Family used their enormous wealth to create a catastrophic event that would distract the world’s attention from the devastating Oprah/Markle interview. 

7 — Nostradamus predicted this.

8 — It’s shocking to me that most people have missed the fact that Ever Given is an anagram for GE Veering. This is a subtle clue that shows General Electric (G.E.) deliberately turned the Ever Given sideways to block shipping of electronic goods from Asia, which, in turn, created an artificial shortage and thus drove up prices.

And finally:

9 — I’ve done some research, and if you draw a line from the Great Pyramid at Giza through the spot where the Ever Given was stuck, you end up on the slopes of Mount Ararat in Turkey.  Since it’s an accepted fact that the Pyramids were constructed by aliens and Noah’s Ark was actually an alien cargo ship carrying animals to Earth, it’s safe to assume the next alien landing will be on that mountain.  We should set up observation posts.

I’m Offended!

These days, grievance is a growth industry.  For many people, being offended is the default setting on their lifestyle menu: they go there first and ask questions later.  This is a pain in the ass to the rest of us because the Eagerly Offended constantly demand centre stage, they won’t shut up and there’s no reasoning with those nimrods.  They want to be outraged.  So, since it’s practically impossible to beat ‘em, I’ve decided to join ‘em and be offended too – by clichés.

English is a beautiful language, and I’m shocked and appalled that people who wouldn’t recognize a simile if it bit them on the bum think it’s acceptable to toss around hackneyed phrases as if they were confetti at a gender reveal party.  There are millions of people all over the world who love and admire the English language, and the indiscriminate use of stale, worn-out and unimaginative vocabulary is very distressing and hurtful to them.  This is the 21st century — not the Age of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, for God’s sake!  We need to stand together to put an end to this linguistic appropriation and perhaps, moving forward, we can create a world free of lackluster analogies for our children to enjoy.  Here are just a few egregious examples to get the ball rolling.

I slept like a baby.

Talk to any sleep-deprived new parent and they will tell you that babies do not sleep well, at all.  They’re constantly waking up at all hours to either demand food or let you know, in no uncertain terms, they’ve turned it into something icky.

The expression should be – I slept like a single person who learned about birth control in middle school and, over the years, has become really, really good at it.

It was funny as Hell.

By definition, Hell is not the least bit humourous. 

The expression should be – It was as funny as the look on the loud-mouthed atheist’s face when Satan explained the Rules of Eternal Damnation.

Happy as a clam.

I have a strange feeling that happiness is not derived from getting dumped into a pot of boiling water and literally being cooked alive.

The expression should be – Happy as a fat person with a bowl full of empty clam shells.

They treated him like a dog.

Oh — they gave him free food, provided shelter, made sure he had clean water and exercise, paid for his schooling, personal grooming and health care?

The expression should be – They treated him like a human.

You’re only as old as you feel.

This only works on those particular days when you feel younger than you really are.  On all the other days, you’re pretty much screwed.

The expression should be – Everybody knows we’re all getting older; quit trying to do a chronological comb-over.

And finally:

Money isn’t everything.

Of course not.  There are all kinds of other things — like poverty, hunger, homelessness and deprivation.

The expression should be – Money isn’t everything, but it certainly is ahead of whatever’s in second place.

Rural – Urban – Suburban

In my lifetime, our world has changed dramatically.  We’ve gone from being a rural society to being an urban one.  For years, people have been leaving the countryside for the cities; while, at the same time, people in the city have been fleeing to the suburbs.  And this double migration is still going on.  So if you’re thinking of relocating, here are a few things you might want to consider before you make your move.  (Full disclosure: I have never lived anywhere but a large urban centre, so some of this is guesswork.  And if you’re proud of where you live and I’ve dissed it – please — before you send me that email questioning my knowledge, my ancestry and my sanity, remember this is satire!)  Enjoy!

Safety

Rural – You don’t lock your door because nobody in their right mind would wanna steal your pitiful pile of junk.

Suburban – You lock your door but keep a spare key under a flower pot, and the security camera tells you which neighbor kid found it and robbed you.

Urban – You have two locks, a deadbolt, an iron bar and a safety chain– but you’ve been robbed so many times you just close the door and hope for the best.

Neighbours

Rural – You know all your neighbours, but they’re so far away you can walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t find you until the coyotes were chewing your bones.

Suburban – You know all your neighbours, and they’re so close if you walked out of your front door naked with a knife in your back, you’d be on YouTube before you got to the street.

Urban – You don’t know any of your neighbours, so you could walk out your front door naked with a knife in your back and they wouldn’t even bother calling the cops.

Pets

Rural – You have a couple of dogs, a house cat, a barn cat, a stray cat, another cat, two horses, chickens, a rooster, something that lives under the porch and a goat — and every one of them eats enough to bankrupt Bill Gates.

Suburban – You have a dog that poops all over the lawn, the kids have a hamster that smells and you still haven’t thrown out the 4 bags of kitty litter you bought for the cat that ran away.

Urban – You had a fish but it died, so you put a cactus in the bowl, and now you just throw bits of pizza down to the rats in the alley.

Warm Summer Nights

Rural – You just want five minutes to peel off your soggy underwear when Eddie and Fran show up with a load of fresh pig manure that needs to be spread before dark.

Suburban – You finally just say “Screw it!” and turn the A/C to a human temperature so you can watch Netflix in your underwear until you fall asleep on the sofa.

Urban – You hang out in an air-conditioned bar with a bunch of losers because your apartment is a sauna and you refuse to spend the evening sitting out on the fire escape in your underwear like some peasant.

Waking up on the weekend

Rural – One of these days, you’re going to throttle that &$#?% rooster.

Suburban – Every asshole in history is out there, mowing his lawn at 7:00 A.M.

Urban – Sirens and the occasional gunshot.

Transportation

Rural – You have a truck that’s held together with duct tape, Bondo, binder twine and rust — and looks like a refugee from a Demolition Derby.

Suburban – You have two vehicles and three car payments because you’re still paying for that stupid PT Cruiser you bought two minivans ago.

Urban – There was a dead guy on the subway last Thursday.

Exercise

Rural – Exercise?  You work your ass off every day and need exercise like the Titanic needed another iceberg.

Suburban – You have a set of weights and a treadmill gathering dust in the garage.  You’re thinking about buying a Bowflex and you swear to God, this year, you’re going to go back to yoga.

Urban – You have a gym membership, but you haven’t been there since January — 4 years ago.

But in the end, we’re all the same.

Shopping

Rural – There are two stores in town, but their selection is so crappy that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.

Suburban – You have 2 malls, a giant discount store, a Walmart, a Home Depot, a Costco and an Ikea within a five mile radius, but it’s such a pain in the ass to drive there, find a parking space, wander around the aisles for hours and stand in line waiting to pay that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.

Urban – You have tons of cool designer shops within walking distance, but they’re so damn expensive that you just buy your stuff online from Amazon.