I’ve always known that, despite outward appearances, I was a badass. Now I can prove it.
But you need a little background.
First, I’m on Facebook. I use it to keep track of my friends and family without harassing them with “old man” telephone calls. I scroll through, see what everybody’s doing, click “like” if I actually like something (weird, huh?) and move on to real life. Handy as a hip pocket!
Second. I live in Canada. But I live in the one part of Canada (Vancouver) where it doesn’t really get cold and we hardly ever get snow. When we do get snow, it’s an event — kinda like Carnival in Rio except with winter coats, a lot more swearing and traffic accidents.
Okay? Stay with me.
This year, it snowed in Vangroovy – a bunch. We had a White Christmas. It was an event. I posted it on Facebook. Here’s the picture and here’s the caption.
“Okay, Mother Nature. Enough is enough. Go Home. You’re drunk.”
Then, a couple of days later, when there was more snow, I posted another picture – again with a caption.
“HEY, Mother Nature! Again with the snow? That’s it. I’ve had it. One more time and I’m taking legal action. How would you like a big fat Restraining Order, you bi … bad person?”
Me and my Facebook friends had a good laugh, and all was well with the world.
Then the snow went away. And I posted this picture …
AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!
My post was deleted because … wait for it … the Zuckerberg Police said, “Your post goes against our Community Standards on hate speech.” Not only that, but I was warned that if I continued to flout these Community Standards, my account would come under review and my Facebook privileges could and probably would be taken away. (No more “Thumbs Up” for you – ya Nazi!)
To be fair, it wasn’t the picture that pissed them off; it was the caption. I can’t write the caption here just in case the Algorithms are still watching me (they probably are) but here’s the gist of it:
First word – D** — cease to exist.
Second word – Y** — not me but …
Third word — W**** — the colour of snow
Fourth word – D***** — residents of Hell
Apparently, if you’re going to criticize snow, you have to play nice or – uh – the snow? — will be offended? I think? (The Zuckerberg militia didn’t actually explain.)
Now, I could go on and on about the mindless, senseless, cyber monopoly called Facebook and how it has slithered its soulless tentacles into every aspect of our daily lives. I could mention that “the Big F” answers to no-one, and that Biden, Putin and the Pope combined don’t have the kind power Zuckerberg’s minions do. (Don’t they wish they did!) Or I could suggest that — of all the bizarre, stupid, ridiculous, hateful and downright harmful things I’ve seen on Facebook — controlling hate speech against snow doesn’t strike me as a top priority.
I could do all those things. But I’m not gonna. Cuz I’m a badass now. I’m walking tall. I’m talking tough. I’d drink my juice out of the carton if my wife would let me. Maybe I’ll just get a neck tattoo: “Born to flout Community Standards.” Yeah! And I’ll misspell “flout,” cuz that’s the way guys like me roll!
6 thoughts on “Facebook Desperado”
Soon you’ll be attending meeting for badasses and organizing all kinds of shenanigans —- it’s the slippery slope.
Badasses don’t have meetings they just style and profile. cheers
Wow, you got more snow than we did at our place in Alberta!
Kind of takes the sensitivity of snowflakes to a new level…
We got a bunch this year and it was pretty for a couple of hours but after that … I refer to my earlier statement. cheers
The mistakes you’ve made here are perfectly clear to me:
2. You can’t go around issuing death-threats to anything on the basis of colour.*
1. You haven’t deleted faecesbook yet. Eat the peach! Bite the bullet! Wind the frog!
* Of course, that’s not your error; it’s the fault of generic machine algorithms, and indicative of how their moronic creators fail to comprehend that they’re at the peak on the Dunning-Kruger scale.
PS how might one misspell ‘flout’? ‘Flowt’, maybe?
I was thinking “flaunt.” cheers