I’ve always known that, despite outward appearances, I was a badass. Now I can prove it.
But you need a little background.
First, I’m on Facebook. I use it to keep track of my friends and family without harassing them with “old man” telephone calls. I scroll through, see what everybody’s doing, click “like” if I actually like something (weird, huh?) and move on to real life. Handy as a hip pocket!
Second. I live in Canada. But I live in the one part of Canada (Vancouver) where it doesn’t really get cold and we hardly ever get snow. When we do get snow, it’s an event — kinda like Carnival in Rio except with winter coats, a lot more swearing and traffic accidents.
Okay? Stay with me.
This year, it snowed in Vangroovy – a bunch. We had a White Christmas. It was an event. I posted it on Facebook. Here’s the picture and here’s the caption.
“Okay, Mother Nature. Enough is enough. Go Home. You’re drunk.”
Then, a couple of days later, when there was more snow, I posted another picture – again with a caption.
“HEY, Mother Nature! Again with the snow? That’s it. I’ve had it. One more time and I’m taking legal action. How would you like a big fat Restraining Order, you bi … bad person?”
Me and my Facebook friends had a good laugh, and all was well with the world.
Then the snow went away. And I posted this picture …
AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!
My post was deleted because … wait for it … the Zuckerberg Police said, “Your post goes against our Community Standards on hate speech.” Not only that, but I was warned that if I continued to flout these Community Standards, my account would come under review and my Facebook privileges could and probably would be taken away. (No more “Thumbs Up” for you – ya Nazi!)
To be fair, it wasn’t the picture that pissed them off; it was the caption. I can’t write the caption here just in case the Algorithms are still watching me (they probably are) but here’s the gist of it:
First word – D** — cease to exist.
Second word – Y** — not me but …
Third word — W**** — the colour of snow
Fourth word – D***** — residents of Hell
Apparently, if you’re going to criticize snow, you have to play nice or – uh – the snow? — will be offended? I think? (The Zuckerberg militia didn’t actually explain.)
Now, I could go on and on about the mindless, senseless, cyber monopoly called Facebook and how it has slithered its soulless tentacles into every aspect of our daily lives. I could mention that “the Big F” answers to no-one, and that Biden, Putin and the Pope combined don’t have the kind power Zuckerberg’s minions do. (Don’t they wish they did!) Or I could suggest that — of all the bizarre, stupid, ridiculous, hateful and downright harmful things I’ve seen on Facebook — controlling hate speech against snow doesn’t strike me as a top priority.
I could do all those things. But I’m not gonna. Cuz I’m a badass now. I’m walking tall. I’m talking tough. I’d drink my juice out of the carton if my wife would let me. Maybe I’ll just get a neck tattoo: “Born to flout Community Standards.” Yeah! And I’ll misspell “flout,” cuz that’s the way guys like me roll!