Category: Culture

Letterman And The Ladies

lettermanI know this is too soon — but I can’t believe everybody is still sucking up to Letterman.  These days, to hear the story, he was the best thing since sliced bread met peanut butter and jelly.  God, it’s like the guy died or something!  Let’s be honest: Letterman hasn’t been funny since Ronnie Reagan ruled the world, and even then, he wasn’t much more than a pumped-up smartass.  Plus, and this is the weird thing, nobody’s talking about what Dave did best.  He beat the system.  Anybody else would have been bounced out of the Ed Sullivan Theatre for half of what Letterman got away with.

There are not many Strictly Verbotens in the land of high end celebrity.  However, one of the strictest is rich and powerful old men cannot have sex with their younger, poor and powerless female employees.  At the very least, this is sexual harassment, and at the other end of the scale it’s something a whole lot slimier.  During his TV career, David Letterman crossed this line — more than once and for extended periods — and in 2009, when circumstances backed him into a corner, he finally admitted it — on national TV.  Strangely enough, there was no public outcry, no group came forward to demand justice for the women or even advocate their protection and nobody — nobody — even suggested Letterman might be held accountable for his actions.  In fact, nothing happened.  Wow!

But, let’s get real.  The reality is it’s very difficult to point out the sinner when he’s the one who has the pulpit.  In 2009, Letterman had a huge audience — every night — and some very powerful friends.  He had a sharp comedic tongue and a roomful of badass writers to back him up.  Plus, over the years, he’d demonstrated that being on the wrong side of David Letterman was not a place you wanted to be.  Actually, it’s no wonder no one ever accused him of anything.  Personally, I’m not that brave.

The result was he walked away from the scandal unscathed, the women were never heard of again, and now Letterman is retiring with all the accolades of the comic genius he never was.  The thing I don’t understand is why are people kicking each other out of the way to praise the guy when anybody else would have been fired six years ago?

Everyday Orgasms

mouthsIn our neo-Victorian, button-down society, the orgasm has been relegated to a worrisome burden, the subject of bone-dry talk shows and diligent documentaries.  Half the population is searching through the sexual Himalayas, trying desperately to even glimpse this mythical beast, while the other half is pleading with God that they don’t find it too soon.  If we ever want to enjoy sex again without a bunch of know-it-all phobia-ists looking over our shoulder, we need to release the orgasm from its sexual handcuffs.  We can do it!  There is an inner Meg Ryan in all of us, just straining to get out.  Check out the list of situations below and honestly ask yourself if you haven’t, in fact, already experienced an Everyday Orgasm.

— Cold feet — warm socks.

— Somebody else made that fresh pot of coffee.

— You discover Netflix has put up Season 4!

— After two hours of foreplay, the computer magically does as it’s told.

— Your tongue finally gets that raspberry seed out of your teeth.

— Finding the perfect parking spot and there’s money left on the meter!

— Grandma brought cake.

— The first fart after a long and formal evening.

— The person who’s scratching your back is in exactly the right spot.

And finally, after years of extensive research among the majority of my friends, the #1 best everyday orgasm:

— Kicking off your heels and unhooking your bra after the mother of all crappy days at work.

I’m sure I’ve miss a few.  Use the comments to complete the list.

Cannes: Inside Out

CannesEvery May, there is an atmospheric disturbance in Southern France when thousands of movie industry egos gather for the Cannes Film Festival.  (Apparently, you can see Quentin Tarantino’s from space.)  Despite stiff competition from Sundance, Toronto and even a couple of Online efforts, Cannes is still the Big Kahuna of film festivals.  It’s that magical place where Cordon Bleu sophistication meets Barnum & Bailey marketing, and this year is no exception.

In a marketing move worthy of Miley Cyrus, Cate Blanchett is promoting her new movie, Carol, with a combination of sly smiles and salacious answers.  In a Variety interview, Cate casually confessed to having had many “relationships” with women.  The titillation went viral.  What a coincidence of timing!

There’s a secret law in France that ever major motion picture has got to have Gerard Depardieu in it.  The guy is something and when he’s not renouncing his citizenship (again!) or taking a whiz in the corner of an airplane, he can act the pants off anybody — and frequently does.  Take a look at the guy: he’s definitely channelling Marlon Brando.  Either that or he ate him!

It’s very subtle, but the Germans have never been all that welcome at Cannes.  For example, rumour has it that the official Cannes website still doesn’t have a German translation.  Either way, German films have won the Palme d’Or only twice in 70 years, and many Deutschland directors don’t bother screening their movies there.  Personally, I think, despite all the EU/we’re-all-friends-now rhetoric, the French are still pissed about those swastikas on the Eiffel Tour.

Oddly enough, the whole Cannes Film Festival experience is basically a feminist no-fly zone.  Like it or not, Cannes remains an unrepentant phallocracy.  Every once in a while, a woman gets thrown a directorial bone, but, in essence, the girls are there for window dressing and the Red Carpet.  It’s pretty much dresses and diamonds for the ladies while the guys get on with the serious business of film making.  It might be 2015 everywhere else in the world, but for two weeks in May, nobody told the French.

When you collect a bunch of monumental male egos who wrap their women in jewelry, you’re going to attract your fair share of criminals.  Ever since Hitchcock’s To Catch a Thief in 1955, Cannes gets robbed with amazing regularity.  This year, a couple of guys with guns robbed Cartier the day before the festival began — the total haul was about €17 million.  However, for straight audacity, in 2013, a single crook (whom the French actually called The Pink Panther)  made off with €140 million in jewelry from the Carlton hotel.  And, just to complete the Inspector Clouseau storyline, neither the jewelry nor the thief has ever been heard of again.

And finally, as the celebrities gather to eat, drink and watch each others’ movies, they generally leave their worthy causes at home.  At Cannes, there’s never much mention of  the starving multitudes.  One thing about the French: they realize it’s totally déclassé to start yipping about the downtrodden when you’re toting a swag bag with enough crap in it to feed an African village for the rest of the century.