Ben Affleck, You Ignorant Slut!

I’ll freely admit that ever since Argo, Ben Affleck has been off my Christmas card list. Quite frankly, if you’re going to rewrite history, (“lie” is such a harsh word) it’s indecent to make millions doing it. Nor should you stand up before God and everybody and accept an Academy Award for your sins — that’s just straight chutzpah.

To be fair, in the early days, Ben did some good work, notably Dogma and Good Will Hunting. However, take a peek at who’s standing right beside him — Matt Damon. On his own, Affleck is noticeably underwhelming in Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil and a cornucopia of other forgettables. (I’m not going to even mention Gigli; that would be hitting below the belt.) And this guy is a Hollywood mover and shaker? Puh leeze!

So what’s Mr. Affleck been up to lately? Nothing less than strong arming PBS to whitewash his family history. According to Finding Your Roots, Ben’s great-great-great grandfather was a slave owner before the Civil War. Like it or not, a lot of Southerners were. Apparently, Ben didn’t like it. He thought it would be bad for his image to be that closely associated with racism. He also thought it would be a good idea if PBS touched-up his roots before they broadcast the story; a kind of intellectual Photoshop for the Affleck family archives. PBS complied, and the rest is history. Well, not really… it’s kinda History According to Affleck.

It should be noted that Finding Your Roots has found slave owners swimming in other celebrity gene pools with no ill effects. After all, it was more than 150 years ago — styles do change.

But look at the out-and-out arrogance of the guy! He felt it was necessary to take his holier-than-thou attitude back five generations! How much more self-righteous can you get? And the size of his ego? OMG! Minor statistics from a census taken in the 19th century — and, of course, that’s a direct reflection on MMMEEEEE! I think Mr. Affleck has forgotten he’s just a movie star (“actor” is such a talented word.) He believes he’s some sort of handsome Dalai Lama (pure to the last incarnation — himself) who must use his rugged good looks to spread compassion and justice throughout the land. Either that, or he’s let this Batman thing get out of hand.

Ben, there was this guy called Copernicus, and he’s got proof you’re not the centre of the universe. Get over yourself!

Ever Wonder Why?

Unless you’re four years old, Seth Rogen or the Big Lebowski, you don’t have a lot of time to lie around the house and wonder why. Adults, who aren’t permanently affixed to 4/20 self medication, learn to take a few things on faith. After all, “why?” is a pretty open-ended question and much if it, without herbal encouragement, isn’t worth the trouble. For example, I don’t know why there are 8,000 different kinds of pasta, and, honestly, I don’t care. I’m sure somebody knows the difference between linguini, fettuccini and all of other “inis,” out there, but it ain’t me. However, there are times when our inner child does escape on a Friday morning and, over a second cup of coffee just wonders why.

During automobile commercials, when the car speeds up, why are the wheels turning the wrong way? I’m no fan of physics, but that’s impossible.

The Ancient Greeks believed in a pantheon of gods who lived on Mount Olympus. Mount Olympus is only 3,000 metres high. Why didn’t somebody just climb the mountain and look?

When anti-religious people get upset about religious symbols like burkas and crucifixes, why doesn’t anybody ever mention yoga pants? Honestly, we should do something about yoga pants.

And why does this work?

Every year, charities spend thousands and thousands of dollars making television commercials to solicit donations. Why don’t they take the big money they’re spending on film crews, transportation, actors, actresses and TV time and just give it to the people they’re trying to help?

Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

In Lord Of The Rings, instead of walking all over Middle Earth trying to get to Mordor, why didn’t Gandalf just get the eagles to fly Frodo directly to Mount Doom? He throws the Ring into the volcano: Sauron’s history. Mission accomplished!

And finally, if Darwin’s Theory of Evolution is correct and there is natural selection, then why, after 50,000 years of human history, are there still so many stupid people kicking around?

Women VS Girls

I like women. The problem is, they seem to have disappeared. The nom de guerre of 21st Century female might be “badass bitch” but the poster child is — unfortunately — a girl. Look around! The media’s obsession with youth has produced this strange caricature of women that, at best, defies reality and, at worst, is just laughable. These days, the feminine ideal has been distilled down to an uneven blend of Bella Swan and Sailor Moon. After that, it’s a megaleap to Meryl Streep and Maggie Smith. There’s nothing in between.

Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst and Kristen Bell are all well into their 30s, but they remain “girls” in the movies they make. Elizabeth Taylor played Cat on a Hot Tin Roof when she was 26. These “older women” are just too candy-cane sweet to even attempt that. The only one of the current thirtysomethings bunch who might do justice to Maggie is Scarlett Johansson, but she’s too busy being a skin-tight Black Widow in the Marvel™ universe.

Lauren Bacall was 20 when she played Slim in To Have and Have Not, and she didn’t look the least bit out of place next to Humphrey Bogart. Audrey Hepburn was 25 when she played Sabrina. Vivien Leigh was in her 20s when she was Scarlett O’Hara, and Ava Gardner was 24 as Kitty Collins in The Killers. All of these characters were women, not girls.

In contrast, for example, nobody thinks it’s the least bit odd that Amy Adams was in her 30s when she harnessed on the ball gown to play a looking-for-love Disney Princess in Enchanted. BTW, I’m not ragging on Amy Adams — she pulled it off. My point is, why are grown women always expected to act like girls, these days? And they are: even when their characters are long past the age of consent.

I understand times have changed in 60 years. People are different. We see gender roles differently and extended adolescence is an integral part of our society. However, I think it’s pretty strange that we don’t let female actresses act their age until they’re old enough to be somebody’s grandma.

Say what you like about sexism in Hollywood back in the day; at least women were allowed to be grownups!

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