Category: Culture

Facebook Sucks … Kinda/Maybe

OMG, the sky is falling!  Citizens, run for your lives!  SAVE YOURSELVES!

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This moment of panic was brought to you by Mark Zuckerberg and the good folks down at Facebook.  Apparently, those fun-loving scamps in Menlo Park, CA have been slackin’ off in the I’ve-Got-Your-Back department and allowed another company, Cambridge Analytica, to harvest personal data from a bunch of unsuspecting Facebook users.  Actually, “a bunch” is a bit of an understatement; the real numbers are north of 50 million.  Wow!  This is a serious no-no, and I have the feeling “my bad!” isn’t going to cover it.  (Although it looks like Zuckerberg is giving it the good ol’ Harvard try.)

I’ll grant you that this sordid bit of business looks remarkably like some faceless corporate somebody is peeking in the bedroom window, but let’s not get all lynch mob crazy just yet.  There are a few things we have to consider.

One — Unless you’ve been living on one of the moons of Uranus for the last 30 years, you know that the Internet is kinda like Santa Claus:
It sees you when you’re sleeping
It knows when you’re awake
It knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
Cyberspace is not a vacuum, and every computer click that happens there is going somewhere.  Only children and the hopelessly uniformed believe the Internet is a private party.

Two — The people who are suddenly swimming in a sea of indignation over their invaded private parts are the same ones who’ve been posting their lives away on social media.  Honestly, if you’re telling the entire world everything about yourself — from your college Beer Pong championship to what you had for lunch at Olive Garden — you don’t have a lot of room to complain.  There’s such a thing as due diligence.

Three — Right now, Facebook might be the Big Bogeyman (Bogeyperson?) but they’re not the only ones collecting your private information.  Literally everything, in the 21st century, is selling you out to Cyberspace — from your Smart phone and its GPS tracker to that Rewards Card in your wallet that offers up your buying habits every time you swipe it.  At any given moment, some Internet minion somewhere can probably pull up a profile and tell you what size underwear you’re wearing and where and when you bought it.

But finally — So what?  Like it or not, we all know privacy has always been a movable feast.  Anybody who grew up in a small town will tell you that.  Personally, I’m not too pleased my preference in intimate apparel is getting harvested by 1,001 data management companies across the world, but my alternatives are limited.  I can a) sit around and bitch about it or b) pull the plug on my digital world and walk away.

So far, I’m not prepared to do either one.

Stuff We Need To Remember

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I know dis-remember is not a word (hyphenated or otherwise) but it should be.  We all know the stuff we learned growing up is true.  It has to be.  It got us this far.  However, as comfortable adults, we tend to forget those little life lessons and just go with the flow.  These days that means trying to navigate between the 1,001 feel-good flavours of Facebook and that horde of snarling Twitter trolls who are always out for blood.  It’s a dangerous journey — go too far one way and you’ll die of sugar shock; go too far the other and they’ll tear you to ribbons.  So, here are a few things most of us have dis-remembered over the years but that we all need — just to keep an even keel in this world.

Saying You’re Sorry Doesn’t Actually Do Anything — There are tons of people who believe “sorry” is a universal talisman that cures all evil.  It isn’t.  In fact, most times it’s just a quick and dirty way for people to apologize themselves out from underneath any responsibility — after the fact.  Try this simple experiment.  Step on a bug.  Now, say you’re “sorry.”  Who feels better?  You or the bug?

It’s Not Illegal To Say Yes — Here in the 21st century, it’s hard to believe — but pessimism is not the natural order of things.  Sometimes good stuff does happen in our world, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it!  People who are constantly trying to find the dark cloud surrounding the silver lining are not profound; they’re just intellectually lazy.

Everybody Is Judgemental And Anyone Who Says They Aren’t Is Lying — We all judge; that is the natural order of things.  We assess our surroundings — from the woman who looks like Home Depot did her makeup to the guy who walks as if he’s got a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable — and we catalogue the results.  The bottom line is the only creature on this planet who’s never going to judge you is your dog, so if you can’t function without unconditional support, buy a good bra and orthopedic shoes.

There’s Always A Dick Out There Somewhere — On the day you discover you can walk on water, there’s definitely going to be somebody who wants to talk about why you can’t swim!

But I’ve saved the best for last:

The Human Body Has A Best Before Date — Despite what cosmetic companies, fitness companies and a few of our vainer friends tell us, at some point we’re all going to lose our battle with gravity.  Eventually, the good bits of even the hottest body all start their journey back to Mother Earth — with various saggy, baggy results.  Just because our culture is psychotically obsessed with youth, there’s nothing wrong with that.  We all need to remember: the best any of us is ever going to do is surrender slowly.

Winter News — Weird!

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Winter drags on, and for many of us, the light at the end of the tunnel is on a snow plow! (Normally, we don’t get snow in Vancouver, but this year we’ve gotten more than a bit.) However, the world continues to turn (more about that later) and the news isn’t totally bleak.

The American aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson has arrived in Vietnam, specifically Da Nang.  Apparently, this is a goodwill tour with the extra added attraction of staring down the Chinese military presence in the South China Sea. (Kinda cool.)  However, I can’t help thinking there might have been some little old couple out for a stroll, who took one look at that big bugger sailing into the harbour and totally freaked: “RUN, TRANG! THEY’RE BACK!”

Last week, a NASA satellite, doing a routine global warming flyover of the back of beyond Antarctica, picked up a pretty substantial “heat signature.”  Given the way the ice in melting down there, I’m pretty sure more than one technician thought, “Holy crap! We’ve thawed out Godzilla!”  However, on further investigation, it turned out to be nothing more than a gigantic pile of penguin poop.  Of course, where there’s poop, there’s penguins, so the folks at NASA took a closer look and discovered a huge colony (over 1.5 million) of penguins.  Apparently, these Adelie penguins have been living large for years at a place called Danger Island — simply because nobody knew they were there! At a time when Google Maps can read the licence plate on my Toyota, it does my soul good to see a waddle (yeah, that’s the collective) of crafty little penguins, hiding out from our invasive technology.  Good on ya!

But I’ve saved the best for last:

The Flat Earth Society has announced it will hold its first ever international conference in Edmonton, Canada.  Tickets range from $130.00 to $300.0, and there will be a number of keynote speakers.  (I’m thinking a tweedy guy from Shropshire, England; a Bible guy from the American South; a witch and at least one Californian.)  If you can’t attend, you can follow the proceedings online for $28.00 (22 Euros.)  Quite a saving!
Personally, I don’t really care if a bunch of people get together and decide Kansas is a Rubik’s Cube, but it boggles my mind that tons of normal, reasonable people are going on Social Media and arguing with these Flat Earthers.  Folks!  Flat Earth people believe the world is flat. Flat! Despite centuries of evidence to the contrary — from Galileo to Neil Armstrong — they still believe that planet Earth is flat.  Now, what argument could anybody possibly bring to the table that would convince them otherwise?  Answer?  None!  Why?  Because they think the Earth is flat!

Trust me, people! You’d be better off getting on Facebook and arguing with the cat who “plays” the piano.