It’s Travel Season

travel OMG! It’s travel season! I almost missed it this year ’cause I’m not actually travelling. Why? It’s a long story but the punch line is (like most punch lines) money — or the eternal lack of it. However, here are a few tips so YOU can get the most for YOUR money when travelling.

Before You Go:

1 – Learn “Hi,” “Good-bye,” “Please,” “Thank You,” What Time?” “How Much?” and “Where’s the toilet?” in the language of your destination. You’ll get more information, accurate directions and better service. Or you can just practice pointing and grunting. That works too.

2 – Pack one suitcase — one. Make sure you can lift it over your head. If you can’t, keep taking stuff out of it until you can. If you still can’t — stay home!

3 – Watch YouTube videos of your destination. Ignore everything but the people in the background. These are the locals. Notice they’re not wearing lederhosen or wooden shoes. Nor are they wearing vulgar t-shirts, socks and sandals, half-naked anything, sweatpants or pajamas. Dress appropriately or expect to get laughed at, robbed and definitely charged the ignorant tourist price for everything.

After You Get There:

1 – Lose the gigantic bag (backpack) and all the junk that’s in it. Unless you’re hacking your way through Borneo, you don’t need all that crap. And, BTW, if you have a selfie stick, go out in the alley and beat yourself to death with it.

2 – Shut the hell up! The people around you live there and they usually speak English. They don’t need a running commentary about how awesome or awful their country really is. If you must rattle on like a starling in mating season, at least lower your voice.

3 – The world is not overrun with gypsies, tramps and thieves; however, they are available. If you insist on waving wads of cash around, strolling the darkened alleys of Barcelona at 3 a.m. or leaving your wallet, pants and purse on the beach chair while you have outrageous sex in the bushes, you will get robbed. Use your head!

Change Your Attitude:

1 – Never comparison shop. The way “we do things back home” is irrelevant. You went to a foreign country on purpose; don’t bitch about it. Go with what you’ve got, even if you don’t totally understand it.

2 – Don’t sweat the details. If you’re getting scammed, robbed or beaten up, definitely complain. Otherwise, give it a rest. Ripping into the waiter is not going to change the V.A.T, the sauce or the level of service. (It will, however, increase the jackass population by one.)

3 – The foreign culture you’re so desperately looking for is happening all around you. Quit running at breakneck speed to the museums, art galleries and historical monuments, trying to find it. Relax, and the real culture will come to you.

Now that you’ve got these guidelines, I’m going to tell you the quickest way to turn an ordinary vacation into something completely different.

Find a bar or cafe close to where you’re staying. Go there every day for a beverage, either first thing in the morning or last thing at night. These places are great. They force you to stop, settle down and smell the amaretto. However, more importantly, most tourists don’t do this (they’re too busy doing tourist stuff) so after about the third day, the people working there will take custody of you. You will cease to be just another tourist and become their tourist. They’ll take a personal interest in the good time you’re having in their town. This works best in smaller places, but it happens everywhere. Remember, the local folks can tell you more about where they live than Trip Advisor ever thought of. These are the people who buy clothes, go to local restaurants and take their kids to the puppet shows. They also have friends, aunts and cousins who sing in the local band or make jewelry or might be convinced to take you up-river. Not to brag, but I’ve been invited to an illegal Kachina ritual, had a personalized tour of the cliffs of Cornwall, sung “Hasta Siempre” with a band on stage in Havana, and danced with an hereditary Polynesian princess in a South Seas thunderstorm – all because I like a second cup of coffee in the morning.

Happy Trails!

We Need New Rules

We need some new rules. Let’s face it, folks: we live in childish times. Our opinions are no longer thoughtful and measured but instant and shrill. Our discussions are loud and unruly: our voices are pouty. We whine and complain, and we’re constantly throwing temper tantrums when we don’t get what we want. (Take a peek at Hamburg this week.) In short, we’ve become a bunch of bratty children. So, it’s time we set up a few boundaries. Here are some suggestions: feel free to add to the list.

Like fishing, hunting and driving a car, people must have a license before they’re allowed to use Social Media. They must pass a test that proves they’re actually smarter than a four-year-old before they can have a Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account.

If you’re having a serious political discussion, you cannot refer to President Trump as a “jerk,” an “idiot,” a “moron” or a “dumbass.” It’s been six months of wall-to-wall name calling. We get it. Give it a rest!

Grown men must not wear short pants if they are more than 5 metres away from a beach, a playground, a picnic spot or their own backyard. (Guys, what don’t you understand about “grown man?”)

Baseball caps must be worn the right way round. Look, ya moron! Wearing them backwards actually defeats the whole purpose of the hat.

Old men on loud motorcycles must seek professional help for their penis anxiety.

A baby stroller is not a weapon. Therefore, it cannot be larger, wider, taller or heavier than the mom pushing it. And dads, the mall is not Charlotte Motor Speedway — and neither is the grocery store. Slow down! Your kids are getting wind-burnt.

You can no longer claim to be “spiritual” just because you have a foreign language tattoo. (The only thing you can claim is you have bad taste and too much disposable income.)

“Like,” “Awesome,” “You know” “Totally” and “Amazing” are banned from polite conversation.

The phrase “plus size” is also banned. It’s just a sneaky way of reminding ordinary women they’re not supermodels.

The words “for” and “about” are no longer interchangeable. “I’m embarrassed for it” and “I’m embarrassed about it” are completely different. The first one isn’t even English.

Vegans must wait at least 5 minutes before announcing their status to strangers. This rule does not apply to vegetarians (who normally don’t get all pissy about their culinary habits, anyway.)

If you’ve been in 3 or more movies, you’re no longer allowed to talk about poverty. You’re riding around in a limousine, for God’s sake! What can you possibly tell anybody about being poor? (This goes double if you play a musical instrument for money.)

Professional athletes can no longer be paid more than the GDP of Malta. They’re kicking a ball, not curing cancer. Let’s get some perspective.

From here on, celebrities have to be famous for a reason. (And a photo-shopped picture of your ass on Instagram doesn’t count!)

And finally

Actors, actresses, singers and musicians who visit poor countries — for whatever reason — are no longer allowed to bring orphan kids home as souvenirs.

Casualties Of The Internet (Part Two)

I love the Internet, but here are a few casualties of our increasing dependence on technology — Part Two.

Memory — Remember Algebra? Neither do I. It’s not important to me. Nor do I remember the atomic number of zinc, how to spell concieve (conceive?) or the names of some of those odd little countries that used to be the Soviet Union. I don’t remember any of that stuff. But the Internet does. It remembers everything. Unfortunately, because of that, I don’t remember my Aunt Vera’s mailing address either, or my sister’s telephone number, or most of my friends’ birthdays — and these things are important to me. My point is, for most of human history, people remembered things. In fact, when stuff was really, really important, they carved it into stone — just in case. However, since the Internet, we don’t remember much of anything — important or not. We let the Internet do it for us and trust that some evil little hacker from Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan or Azerbaijan doesn’t get pissed off, one rainy winter evening, and wipe it all out.

Bricks and Mortar Stores — When I was a kid, the butcher used to call my mother “Mrs. Fyfe.” My sisters used to flirt with the checkout clerks at the grocery store. My dad knew the guys at the lumberyard — by name. And, once, the girl at the bookstore hid the last copy of Welcome To The Monkey House under the counter for me. These were not unusual occurrences. Everybody my age has similar experiences. These days, however, I haven’t been to a bookstore since I discovered Amazon because there aren’t any left in my neighbourhood. (I’m not sure which happened first.) I just bought a Roomba and the first time I saw it was when I opened the box. I shop at a grocery store that’s so large it needs its own GPS and find myself envying people in England who can shop at Tesco from the privacy of their own pajamas. We are the last generation of touch-and-feel retail.

Blood and Bones People — I have nieces and nephews I haven’t seen since they were children, but I recognize their husbands and wives. I’ve seen their homes, know what they eat for dinner, where they go on vacation and what they do for fun. I’ve had conversations (and arguments) with people I don’t even know. Strangers compliment me every day. I play games with people who don’t have names and might very well be figments of a digital imagination. And I have no idea where many of my friends live because I’ve never met them. The truth is, even though we might not want to admit it, in the 21st century, most of us have just as much human contact online as we do face-to-face. The problem is electronic people might LOL but they don’t laugh; they can emoji, but they can’t cry. They don’t spill their wine, ruin your makeup, squeeze your hand, slurp their soup, or kiss you goodbye. And it is this indisputable fact — more than what and how we remember, or where and when we shop — that’s changing our society more radically and rapidly than ever before in human history.

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