Category: Entertainment

Nuns Are Tough!

Monica Almeida NY Times
Monica Almeida NY Times

As our world continues its conversion from God to Celebrity Worship, the nun business isn’t what it used to be.  Contemporary nuns face a couple of serious problems.  First, they are women who keep their clothes on, a group that our society has undervalued for a couple of decades now.  Second, they’re Christians, which leaves them open to relentless, in-your-face ridicule for everything from their habits to their beliefs.  You wanna be a nun these days, sister, you better be tough.

Oddly enough, even as we speak, an epic battle, going on in the San Gabriel Mountains of California, illustrates my point perfectly.  It has become a massive, tangled legal fight which needs more than one google to understand — but here’s the quick and dirty version.

A couple of years ago, the Catholic Church in California decided to sell one of its convents.  They were approached by a Katherine Hudson who offered them $14.5 million for it.  It turns out  Katherine Hudson is actually Katy Perry, and Ms. Perry thought a convent (coincidentally, with a spectacular view of Hollywood and the San Gabriel Mountains) would be a totally cool place to live and “find herself.” (It seems Ms. Perry is quite spiritual: she has “Jesus” tattooed on her wrist.)  Unfortunately, a couple of the Holy Sisters from the convent caught Ms. Perry’s act on YouTube, and being very old nuns, were shocked, somewhat amazed and just about as upset as any nun can get.  They cancelled the sale.  Instead, they decided to sell their convent to Ms. Dana Hollister, a restaurateur.

Here’s where it gets hazy.

Apparently, undaunted by a couple of antique nuns, Ms. Perry and her legal people went back to the Archdiocese and politely asked “WTF?”  (FYI, Katy Perry isn’t afraid of anything: she was once married to Russell Brand.)  At this point, the Catholic big boys — particularly His Grace Jose Gomez, Archbishop of Los Angeles — tried to talk some sense into the two little old ladies.  According to him, nuns have no right to sell anything.  In fact, it doesn’t even matter that the Sisters of the Most Holy and Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary owned the property in the first place because, ultimately, it belongs to the Catholic Church (i.e. the Pope.)  Therefore, it will be he, His Grace Jose Gomez, Archbishop of Los Angeles, as The Pope’s representative, who will decide what’s in everybody’s best interests, thank you very much.  Normally, that would have been an end to it, but Sisters Katherine Rose and Rita (86 and 77, respectively) didn’t back down.  They don’t want anybody’s “teenage dream in skinny jeans” strutting around their convent as if she owned the place.  They told His Grace Jose Gomez, Archbishop of Los Angeles, in no uncertain terms, that he can yip all he wants about The Pope because — come prayer time — they would be talking to his boss.

The archdiocese, caught between a rock and (what the nuns were calling) a hot place, lawyered up.  They’re now suing Dana Hollister on the grounds that she can’t legally buy anything from nuns — although Katherine Hudson (aka Katy Perry) can buy whatever she wants from pumped-up priests.

The story’s not over, but personally, I think for $14.5 million, Katy Perry can find some other place to “find herself.” After all, she made that money telling women to follow their hearts and do what they believe in — no matter what.

Amy Schumer?/Tina Fey?

AmyI just saw the latest GQ cover, and it looks like Amy Schumer is the new Tina Fey — which is odd because Tina hasn’t gone anywhere.  Tina, the old one, was something in her day.  She was brilliant straight out of high school and made her bones on Saturday Night Live, making fun of Sarah Palin and working with Jimmy Fallon.  Fallon, as everybody knows, was replaced by Amy Poehler when he went on to become the new Letterman — which is also odd because, in actual fact, Stephen Colbert is going to be the new Letterman.  You know Stephen from The Colbert Report, but before that he was the new Steve Carell on the old Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  FYI, there’s going to be a new Daily Show when Jon Stewart leaves in August, but that doesn’t matter because John Oliver is already the new Jon Stewart.  Meanwhile, back to Steve Carell. He was Michael Scott on The Office, basically the new David Brent from the original British series.  That version was created by Ricky Gervais who pissed off so many Hollywood egos at The Golden Globe Awards that he was replaced by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  Now, they’re going to be replaced because Amy Schumer is the new Tina Fey and Amy Poehler isn’t the right Amy.

So what have we learned?

Amy Schumer has totally won the Amy war with Poehler, and she’s such a bankable brand right now that she can even suck on Disney’s Lightsaber with impunity.

In order to end up sucking on Disney’s Lightsaber, you don’t necessarily have to practice your craft with Lorne Michaels or Jon Stewart, but given the comedy pedigree of most people in the funny business, it helps.

Everybody in comedy is so connected to everybody else it looks like Duck Dynasty with dick jokes.

And finally, Amy Adams was never considered a worthy Amy adversary even though Michael Scott (Steve Carell) from The Office once called her “the new and improved Pam.”  (Most people have forgotten that episode.)

I’m Never Going To Read “Go Set A Watchman”

atticusI’m never going to read Go Set A Watchman.  I don’t have an intellectual argument to justify why — I’m just not going to do it.  I grew up with To Kill A Mockingbird, and I like Scout and Atticus the way they are.  So I intend to keep them that way.  Actually, there’s going to be enough written about the book that, when it comes up in conversation, I’m just going to lie.  I’ve done it for years about Moby’s Dick, so it’s no big deal.  (Yeah! Right!  Like you’ve never done that?)

You see, my fictional friends are dear to me.  I’ve known most of them for years.  We’ve shared a lot of life together, and we know each other well.  They’ve always been there.  We’ve endured mindless jobs, troubled nights, one endlessly miserable childhood vacation, a couple of failed love affairs and tons of other experiences.  We’ve spent hot summer days, rainy nights, hangovers, illnesses and any number of long, chilly, Sunday afternoons together.  We like each other’s company — together alone — and I’ve slept with them on more than one occasion.  So if I’m not willing to lie for these people, I’m not a very good friend, am I?

At the end of the day, Harper Lee might be a wonderful person, and she has every right to do whatever she wants with the characters she created.  But I don’t know her; we’ve never met.  I know the Finch family, I know Boo, I know Tom and a lot of other people in Maycomb County.  We met when I was a teenager in Miss Owen’s English class, and they had a bigger influence on me than most of the flesh-and-blood people I knew at the time.  Since then, we’ve visited on occasion, and each time they’ve told me a little bit more about themselves, always expanding their story into my accumulating experience.  (All my fictional friends respected my youth that way.)  These days, we’re comfortable, but I know they still have subtleties they haven’t told me about — yet.

So I plan to visit again, now that Atticus is back in the news.  Sometime in the autumn, when the leaves fall and it’s one-quilt cold, I’m going back to Maycomb County and see how everybody’s doing.  It will be a good visit, with coffee and (probably) Oreos, and they will tempt me to read Go Set A Watchman, but I’m not going to do it — my old friends are just too precious to me.