Category: Humor

Hashtag Dumbass!

dumbass

Unfortunately, I’m losing my fear of nuclear holocaust, climate change and a global pandemic because I’m beginning to believe that long before any of these disasters befalls us, our society is going to implode under the weight of its own stupidity.  Let me explain.  I was waiting in a doctor’s office when I happened to read something stupid on Twitter.  No big deal, right?  However, I was bored, so I googled “stupid tweets” and faster than I could say, “OMG! You’re a moron!” I was swamped.  It turns out there are entire websites and YouTube channels (lots of them) devoted to Twitter idiots.  Who knew?  In less than 20 minutes, I gleaned what you see here, and I can’t imagine what I would have come up with if I had put some muscle into the research.  It really begs the question: Are these The Final Days?

Disclaimer: These have been heavily edited because our society a) can’t spell, b) wouldn’t know punctuation if it bit them on the bum and c) is obsessed with obscenities.

How big is the specific ocean?

What’s the capital of Africa?

What is Obama’s last name?  Does anybody even know?

If airplanes can fly, why don’t we just fly them to Mars and shit and quit wasting so much money on rockets?

How do I get YouTube to come and film me?  I do a lot of funny things, but I can’t find out where to message them to come and film me.

The Olsen twins are so awesome, and they’re sisters with the same birthday.  How cool is that?

This guy even got a reply
Is the iFold Tower in France?
It’s not the iFold Tower; it’s the Eyeful Tower, and it’s in Europe – dumbass!

When they filmed Jurassic Park, how did they get so close to the dinosaurs?  I don’t understand.  #confused

I’m pregnant.  Will my baby have all my tattoos?  #worried

I don’t like dolphins anymore.  Squirrels are my favourite reptile now.

I’m going to stay a virgin for my whole life — so I can set a good example for my children.

I ate so many cookies I think I’m going to die of beaties.

What kind of meat is lamb?  Beef or pork?  I’m not supposed to eat pork, so I need to know.

If Trump gets elected, I’m leaving America and moving to California.

We did 30 songs in 3 days – 75% written and 40% freestyle.

Why did that Facebook guy offer 3 billion to buy Snapchat when he could have just downloaded it from the App Store for free?

How does the water in a waterfall get back up to the top?

Why the hell did Benjamin Franklin have to invent lightning /:

Is NASA stupid?  Don’t they realize that every time they launch a shuttle, it puts a hole in the ozone layer which causes …

And as a bonus, a couple of celebrities:

Why are all the buildings in NYC standing straight up?  If earth is round, then some of the buildings would have a slight tilt.
Tila Tequila

Hello, Facebook.  Yes, this is actually Lindsay.  Welcome to my Facebook page.
Lindsay Lohan

And possibly the stupidest man on the planet.  (There were several Tweets to choose from.)

If we exhale more than we inhale, we feed the plants.  This will end world hunger.
Jaden Smith

 

Dear Young People

luis-quiles

Fair is fair!  Last week, I wrote a piece called “Dear Old People” and put the boots to old buggers carrying on and on and on about “the good old days” and how super special they were. Now it’s time to put the shoe on the other foot and explain to this current generation that they’ve got nothing to be smug about (as if they could get any smugger!)  Here are a few things young people need to remember before they start shooting off their mouths about how uber-cool they are.

You didn’t invent sex, and from what I’ve seen recently on TV and in the movies, you’re not even doing it right.

And speaking of movies, when your largest contribution to cinematic history and Western culture is various super people beating the crap out of each other, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You did, however, invent Twitter — the nastiest, meanest, pettiest, most judgemental, disrespectful form of communication in human history — and history will hold you accountable for that.

Angry Face emojis aren’t actually going to change the world.

And instead of just sitting around talking about saving the planet, you might try picking up those paper coffee cups and plastic water bottles you’ve been throwing all over the place.

Quit complaining!  God!  Spending half your life offended and the other half bitching about it has got to be a miserable existence.

When your biggest concern in life is celebrity gossip, you’ve got a serious hole in your soul.

“Brave” — you keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

Zombies aren’t real — and neither are Disney princesses, Jedi knights or the MCU.  Talking about this stuff all the time is like debating what kind of cookies Santa Claus likes best.

A tattoo doesn’t mean you’re unique, spiritual or a badass.  It means that you have disposable income – just like everybody else west of the Vistula.

And BTW:

The entire world, from Baltimore to Borneo, is sick of hearing about your stupid student loan.  You borrowed thousands of dollars to study Post-modern Ventriloquism – what the hell did you expect?

Illustration: Luis Quiles

Dear Old People

cassette-tape

Okay, old people!  STOP IT!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  We all know life was a gigantic hot fudge sundae back in the 70s or the 30s or whenever the hell you thought you were cool, but it’s time to give it a rest.  Every generation thinks they’re the best: take a listen to ancient Boomers yipping about the 60s as if it were an expensive suburb of Nirvana.  (It’s long past time to shoot that myth in the head, BTW.)  I’m not saying we shouldn’t be nostalgic for that magical time when we were young, beautiful, full of hormones and immortal (guilty as charged) but could we just shut up about it for five minutes? Here are a few facts old people need to remember before they start shouting their mouths off.

Nobody cares that you can rewind a cassette tape with a pencil.

Yeah, telephones were attached to the wall.  Big wow!  All that meant is every time you were talking to your friends, your mom, your dad and your dog could hear the entire conversation.

No matter how you spin it, watching a 6-year-old edited movie with a ton of advertising — on a 32 inch television set — is just not as good as watching a first-run HD film on a 60 inch big screen.  Especially when you were busting your bladder, waiting for the commercials so you could go pee without missing something.

Water from the garden hose was just water; it wasn’t 30-year-old Chablis.

The major difference between riding a bike with a helmet and riding a bike without one is – uh – I don’t know – brain damage?

The truth is, it was totally crappy to take a pile of pictures at your grandma’s 90th birthday party and find out — three days later — that half of them were out of focus.

The only reason Pong™ was cool is that’s all we had.

Carrying a camera, a Walkman™, a guide book, binoculars, a map, a pen, paper and a pocketful of coins, for pay phones and parking, when you went on vacation, was a total pain in the ass.  It’s a wonder everybody over 30 doesn’t walk with a limp.

And speaking of maps.  Cruising down the highway at 70 mph while simultaneously trying to find your exit on an uncooperative paper map the size of your dining room table was really kinda stressful.  And refolding the damn thing after you were done was even worse.

But the thing old people need to remember most about “the good old days” is:

It actually wasn’t all that much fun getting choked with cigarette smoke — in bars, restaurants, office buildings, on the streets, at the airport, in the park and (and this is true) in doctors’ offices and maternity wards.