Category: Humor

What You Miss When You’re Cyber-blind

cyber-blind

I have a friend who is cyber-blind.  He doesn’t have a computer; he doesn’t have a tablet; he doesn’t have a cell phone.  In fact, he barely has cable TV (and no PVR!)  But he isn’t one of those pompous asses who’s constantly reminding the world that he lives on a higher plane of consciousness because he’s transcended technology.  No, he’s just a regular guy.  And as he tells it, “I missed the beginning of the digital revolution, and now the learning curve is too steep for me to catch up.”  He’s perfectly content, BTW, but the obvious question is: how does he function, on a daily basis, in a world that can’t go to the toilet without tweeting the results?

Here are just a few things my friend is missing:

1,612 Instagram Photos of Food — One of the requirements of an Instagram account is that you must eat at least 9 meals a day.  And I’m certain nobody under 30 knows what hot food tastes like because, by the time they’ve produced the photographic evidence, it’s cold.

16,120 Useless Email Messages — Aside from being cursed at birth, there is no earthly reason why my email account overflows every couple of days and I have to spend at least a half an hour, cleaning up the crap.  Who the hell even uses email anymore?

161,204 YouTube Videos — You start off, in the early evening, clicking on a 3-minute video about how to stuff a Cornish Hen and end up — somewhere south of midnight — watching “Best Of Drunk Girl Fails 2014,” posted by a Ukrainian named Nemski.  Don’t deny it!  You’ve done it, too!

1,612,047 Facebook Homilies — What is it about Facebook that attracts idiot clichés?  Facebook could be one of the greatest forums for intelligent discussion in history, but what do we get?  Cute kitten memes that tell us to “Value your friends, cuz true friendship is purrfect!”

16,120,479 Twitter Trolls — I don’t care how you slice the pie, Twitter is Lord of the Flies with Wifi!  It’s as if Jack the Ripper’s evil twin built a digital playground for all his nasty little friends and then turned them loose on the world.

But the very worst thing in the digital universe is:

161 Passwords — Every time you turn around in cyberspace, you need a new password.  I’m absolutely convinced that Websites demand that these weirdo afflictions have at least 8 characters, 2 prime numbers, 1 capital, 1 lower case, 3 symbols, an emoji, a hieroglyphic, a quadratic equation, a Greek letter, a Cyrillic letter and the first three letters of your great-aunt’s maiden name because they want to see just how obedient we are to our computer overlords!

Winter Olympics 2018

olympicsI love the Winter Olympics!  When you have a ton of young people flying through the air and chasing each other on glare ice — what’s not to like?  Plus you get hockey!  Unfortunately, even though all winter sports are based on the single, simple premise that ice and snow are slippery (Think about that for a moment!) the Winter Games are starting to get cluttered up with too many variations on that theme.  For example, you have two kinds of ski jump, several kinds of skiing and God only knows how many kinds of figure skating.  Folks, there are only so many things you can do with frozen water before it just gets silly!

Let’s take a look:

Curling — The Scots invented golf, the hammer throw and the caber toss. Curling is just the last in a long line of sports that allows you time to have a beer and a cigarette while you’re waiting for your turn to play.

Speed skating — This sport makes sense to me.  I think it evolved when a bunch of Europeans were skating around, puttin’ on the brag.  “Hey, Heinrich! You are like the skilpadde.  Min bestemor can skate faster than you.”  Heinrich got pissed at Olaf for dissing his gromutter, and the race was on.  This worked well for a number of years — until the Dutch decided to play.  Ever since then, it’s been “I don’t know what you bet, but if you’re not wearing orange, you’re not going to win.”  Of course, the most exciting event is the relay — which is basically Roller Derby with knives on your feet.

Biathlon — This one is just weird!  Ski as fast as you can with a high- powered rifle on your back until you come to a target; stop, whip out your weapon and shoot.  Then, pack up, ski off to the next target, and do it again.  This happens several times.  Who the hell thought up this sport —  Nordic assassins?

Skeleton and Luge — I think these two are basically the same sport!  In both events, the participants jump on a sled the size of an iPhone  and fling themselves down a mountain at 80 miles an hour (130 km/h.)  Sounds like fun, huh?  The only difference I can see is Skeleton people go headfirst because they want to look death in the face; whereas the people who favour Luge, lie on their backs because they want it to come as a complete surprise.  However, I do believe the Luge folks should get extra points.  Take a look: those kids are steering that sled with their bum!

Half Pipe — The name says it all.  I’m pretty sure most snowboard events were invented by stoned Lifties on their day off, because no sane, sober person would ever attempt any of that stuff.  Fun Fact: Snowboarders were originally called snurfers and “real” skiers made fun of them.  These days, snowboarding is a multi-million dollar industry.  Who’s laughin’ now, Jean-Claude?

And finally:

Ice Dance — Libido on ice.  I’m certain the real reason Puritans outlawed premarital sex was because they were afraid it would lead teenagers to Ice Dance.