7 People To Avoid On Social Media

I love Social Media.  It’s like waking up in the morning and a couple of thousand people climb out of bed with you. Then, before you know it, there’s this gigantic cocktail party going on.  However, as with all social gatherings, there are a few people you kinda want to avoid.  Here’s a quick and dirty guide to the folks you need to stay away from on Social Media.  (FYI — I’ve managed to steer clear of some these folks, but the rest is bitter experience.)

Games R Us — I’ve got nothing against playing video games, but these people are the crack addicts of the Internet.  They’re constantly posting their achievements, sending you points and invitations, and generally cluttering up your cyberspace.  Why?  They want to get you hooked, too — so you’ll send them points and power-up crap and we can all be junkies together.

Puppies, Cats and Babies — Whatever you do, stay away from these people and their photos, their GIFs and their videos.  The cute will overwhelm you, you’ll end up giving all your money to the Save The Children Fund and your house will be overrun by 9 cats, 4 dogs, an African Grey parrot and a colony of hamsters.

I’ve Got My Caps Lock On — These folks are permanently pissed-off.  They post things like:  “Some people just need a high-five, in the face, with a chair!”  Or they’ll rant on (in capital letters) about how the kid at Starbucks™ misspelled their name, or the traffic was horrible, or work is torture and on and on and on.  And don’t get them started on politics!  If you hang with these snarly buggers, you may never smile again.

Share Bear Comedians — These are the people who think they’d be really good at standup (if only they had the chance.)  They post funny memes 10, 12, 16 times a day and an assortment of videos where some unsuspecting somebody gets nailed in the jewels.  Sometimes this stuff is funny, but eventually you realize these folks have nothing to say and they say it all day — every day.  Can you imagine how much time they spend online just finding this stuff?

I Have An Infinite Soul — These are the people who believe they live on a higher plane of consciousness than everybody else and have a burning need to share their awareness.  They’re continually posting platitudes to demonstrate their deep thoughts.  Mostly these are meaningless, self-help homilies.  This is easy — stay away from these pompous assholes.

I’m Going To Ruin Your Day — These are the people who post videos of blind dogs with no legs or kids with tubes in them or lonely old people on park benches or … Sweet Jesus! Just kill me now!  How the hell do you respond to this stuff?  “Gosh, I never realized the world was so full of torment and suffering.  I think I’ll just turn off my computer and cry for an hour or two.”

And finally:

I’m Old And You’re Stuck With Me — These are those sweet old friends and relatives who are still trying to figure out The Google.  Somebody set them up on Social Media and you friended or followed them to be nice.  Now, they think every time you post something, they’re required to make some lame ass comment.  Plus, they’re somebody’s mom’s friend or an Uncle Bill so you can’t get rid of them without feeling like a shit.  The best thing to do is just lol them once in a while and carry on.  (Most of them think lol means Lots of Love, anyway.)

GOOD LUCK!

Spelling Counts!

orlando

Valentine’s Day is over; next stop, St. Paddy’s Day.  So, as winter clings to the Northern Hemisphere like a drunk clinging to a lamp post, and Mother Nature and Old Man Winter fight it out to see who marks the calendar this month, let’s find a cozy place out of the wind and rain, take a page out of Puck’s book and wonder “what fools [we] mortals be!”

Celebrity tattoos are as common as hen poop in a barnyard, so it’s no big deal that Orlando Bloom got a new one the other day.  You remember Orlando Bloom: he’s the “actor” who played Legolas, a Middle Earth elf with an emotional range of .07 on a scale of 1 to 1,000.  Anyway, it seems Mr. Bloom was having a little trouble remembering his son’s name (Flynn) and, rather than constantly bother his entourage about it, he decided to get it permanently inked into his arm.  Problem solved?  Not quite!  First of all, Standard Written English wasn’t cool enough for Bloom, so he had it printed in Morse code, a form of communication that’s been dead since Roy Rogers roamed the Earth.  Unfortunately, something got screwed up in the translation, and they spelled the name wrong.  Okay, a “dot” here, a “dash” there; it was an honest mistake.  But here’s the good part.  Nobody noticed!  Obviously, tattoo artists are not known for their cryptographic skills and there’s no app I know of that spellchecks Morse code, but … here’s the deal!

You’re an A-list (high B-list?) movie star.
You’ve got a ton of people around you every day with nothing better to do than suck up to you.
Every single one of them has an iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iWhatever.
Yet, not one of them, from your publicist to your personal assistant, cared enough about you to take 30 seconds and say, “Siri, what’s Flynn in Morse code?”

That, boys and girls, is a cold and lonely life.

Anyway, the ink dried, and there’s Orlando on Instagram, proud as a puppy with a chewed-up slipper.  He’s selfie-d a forearm shiver with what looks like a surgical diagram drawn on it, and the teasing caption reads “new #tattoo can you guess who?”

And here is where we veer off into the land of WTF!

Apparently, Orlando’s Instagram audience includes more than a few people who took the time and trouble to figure out his body art was Morse code (Remember: it’s not a written language.) and then were willing to spend even more time translating it. (I doubt if many people can do Morse code from memory, these days.)  Plus, they know enough about the life and times of Orlando Bloom to realize that this was his son’s name and that the dolt had misspelled it.  Then, they felt morally compelled to publicly point that out to him – a number of times.

At last glance, Orlando and son are doing fine, despite the looming years of therapy.  But honestly, folks!  Our world has a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands.

What You Miss When You’re Cyber-blind

cyber-blind

I have a friend who is cyber-blind.  He doesn’t have a computer; he doesn’t have a tablet; he doesn’t have a cell phone.  In fact, he barely has cable TV (and no PVR!)  But he isn’t one of those pompous asses who’s constantly reminding the world that he lives on a higher plane of consciousness because he’s transcended technology.  No, he’s just a regular guy.  And as he tells it, “I missed the beginning of the digital revolution, and now the learning curve is too steep for me to catch up.”  He’s perfectly content, BTW, but the obvious question is: how does he function, on a daily basis, in a world that can’t go to the toilet without tweeting the results?

Here are just a few things my friend is missing:

1,612 Instagram Photos of Food — One of the requirements of an Instagram account is that you must eat at least 9 meals a day.  And I’m certain nobody under 30 knows what hot food tastes like because, by the time they’ve produced the photographic evidence, it’s cold.

16,120 Useless Email Messages — Aside from being cursed at birth, there is no earthly reason why my email account overflows every couple of days and I have to spend at least a half an hour, cleaning up the crap.  Who the hell even uses email anymore?

161,204 YouTube Videos — You start off, in the early evening, clicking on a 3-minute video about how to stuff a Cornish Hen and end up — somewhere south of midnight — watching “Best Of Drunk Girl Fails 2014,” posted by a Ukrainian named Nemski.  Don’t deny it!  You’ve done it, too!

1,612,047 Facebook Homilies — What is it about Facebook that attracts idiot clichés?  Facebook could be one of the greatest forums for intelligent discussion in history, but what do we get?  Cute kitten memes that tell us to “Value your friends, cuz true friendship is purrfect!”

16,120,479 Twitter Trolls — I don’t care how you slice the pie, Twitter is Lord of the Flies with Wifi!  It’s as if Jack the Ripper’s evil twin built a digital playground for all his nasty little friends and then turned them loose on the world.

But the very worst thing in the digital universe is:

161 Passwords — Every time you turn around in cyberspace, you need a new password.  I’m absolutely convinced that Websites demand that these weirdo afflictions have at least 8 characters, 2 prime numbers, 1 capital, 1 lower case, 3 symbols, an emoji, a hieroglyphic, a quadratic equation, a Greek letter, a Cyrillic letter and the first three letters of your great-aunt’s maiden name because they want to see just how obedient we are to our computer overlords!